Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Wolfman

Yah, vampires are just so cheesy, man, they're like the weekend warrior accountants of the Monster World.

Yah, they're like, into all that freaky psycho shit, y'know, like city people or something.

Plus they're all gross and dead and stuff.

Yah, so, werewolves are just way better, man.

Well, first off, we're all cheerful and stuff, y'know, we're allowed to drink beer and smoke cigarettes and fart all we want and shit, and everybody just laughs.

'Cause of that whole comedy thing where everybody blames the dog for farts?

Yah, so that's a definite plus.

Yah, and we love life, we're always sticking our heads out the car window and trying to smell the roses and shit, and we get all excited when somebody cooks steak on the barbecue, and we just love to be petted, we sorta help people appreciate the simple shit that they woulda taken fer granted or something.

So folks like us.

Yah, those fucking people that dress up in animal costumes like us a little too much heh.

Oh sure, there's that whole thing where we might go apeshit and tear some people up if we get pissed off, but that only happens if we're getting close to starvation or somebody's torturing us by pretending to the throw the frisbee over and over again or something, y'know, man, that frisbee thing really pisses me off, those smug trick-frisbee bastards deserve to die.

Yah, regular people go apeshit for the same stuff, it ain't like its just us werewolves.

Other than that, we're all about loyalty and working in packs and stuff, we're social animals, it ain't like they show on TV.

Yah, we ain't all savage monsters that go around tearing people apart with our claws, man, werewolves don't even have claws, I dunno where people got that claw shit from, we use our teeth fer everything, y'know, like opening bags of potato chips and stuff.

Well, yah, my toenails are kinda sharp and gnarly and shit but they're not really for fighting with heh.

Yah, well, no, I mean, actually, I dunno about all that silver bullet stuff, never been shot with a silver bullet, I don't think.

Wracked my nuts on a dirtbike jump once, though, holy shit, man, I thought I was gonna die for a week.

Yah, so silver bullets are probably overkill, I don't think a wolfman got any kind of crazy magical indestructable powers like that, I mean, where the hell did that shit come from?

Yah, no, I ain't immortal or anything either, I'm getting a gut from drinking all this beer, look at this shit.

I have no idea where you guys got all that shit from, I mean, I can see how you guys came up with all that full moon bullshit, 'cause of the way wolves howl at the moon, but that immortal-silver-bullet stuff doesn't make any sense to me.

Hmm, I dunno what would happen if a werewolf bit a regular wolf, that's a good question, man, like mebbe he'd turn into a were-human or something, shit, I dunno how you think up shit like that.

Oh jeeze, yer such a nerd, man!

Well, I still love ya, and that ain't just the beer talking, y'know, I'll hump yer nerdy little leg anytime, bro, you just say the word.

Oh relax, I'm just kidding.

Sorta heh.

Dude, go easy with the sweat glands, yer burning my eyes with that panicky pheromone shit.

Yah, I wouldn't hurt ya, I'm a good boy.

Well, I won't hurt ya unless you try to make a run for it, y'know, 'cause then you might trigger some predatory instinct or something, so don't do that.

And don't stare at me like that, either, jeeze man, quick glances are okay, but that sustained eye contact shit ain't.

Yah, I dunno, its some damn animal instinct thing, makes the short hairs on the back of my neck go crazy.

Yah, no, werewolves don't sweat, actually, we just pant with our tongues hanging out to keep cool.

Yah, its kinda gross, and I gotta fight back the impulse to lick the shit out of people I like, too, but there's some subtle benefits to the whole werewolf tongue thing, trust me, that's why our breath stinks but we're all so damn happy looking all the time.

So, y'know, there are some serious perks to think about.

Yah, ain't no vampire that can pull that trick, man, I mean, that's prolly why they're all so mopey and miserable and uptight and shit.

And then on top of it, they gotta live forever without being able to do that.

Yah, I dunno how those poor suckers manage, seriously.

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