Monday, December 31, 2007








Saturday, December 29, 2007

Doot-Doot Doot-Doot-Doot

I Was Made By Brad McQuaid

Haha man I love Raph.

This is just too juicy not to relink.

And Raph is doing his awesome thing all polite and stuff, that's the frickin' best, just about anybody can fight, but only Spiderman can crack jokes and keep the shrapnel from hitting the wimps while he's doing it all at the same time.

I mean, he really could go all nuclear any ole time he wanted, y'know.

If I was him, I'd be all like, "Who's your daddy, son. I made all of you! I brought you into this world AND I CAN TAKE YOU OUT OF IT!"

And then I'd turn on me for my stupid impression of him and I'd say "...and what game did your stupid frickin' nickname come from little man?"

And I'd be all like "oh no you don't Ralph! it was Brad McQuaid that made me! And he didn't make me so much as one of his minions summoned me from the comfort of my gore-soaked labrinths in Half Life! Much blood and many souls were reaped for that impudence!"

See how I'm all cool like that under pressure from the Big Guns?

Yeh, once I get my pants repaired at a merchant it'll be as if nuthin' ever happened baby heh.

And then if I was Dundee I would be all like "hey wut i used 2b the funny guy who rote 4 a pen and paper RPG website b4 any of this happined wtf u leve me out of this u!"

And then I'd be all like "dude even Sunsword started out as a guy that got his house robbed in Raph's game! Its like Darth Vader and the Emperor, the anger that Raph put in him is what made him a great game programmer! And you are no different, mister Skara Brae Ranger!"

And Lum, c'mon, fearless UO Reporter!

All the same!

Raph's Dark Children, all!

Lords of the Sith!

Why am I the only guy that gives Raph the respect a father deserves?

Mebbe that's 'cause he ain't my daddy.

Y'know, if you ever seen me talk about The Brad, that I can't even link to because apparently he's having one of his "episodes" and he's in no condition for human contact, then I think you'd start to see the pattern.

The Brad, toolin' around in his ferrarri as if he was all cool like Thresh or something, Powered By the Flaming Sword of Aradune!

Hey, you can say what you want about how horrible UO was or whatever, but one thing is for sure, Raph taught all you guys how to fight and survive in this cold hard world just like a father should ahaha.

Its nice to see the old man still has some fight left in him after putting up with all you guys for all those years.

And he's keeping his smooth jazz style on top of it, that's amazing when you consider exactly who his kids are heh.

I mean, look at my The-Brad-dad, man, he's a frickin' trainwreck baby, having Visions and going all holy roller and stuff jeesh ahaha.

And he didn't even have no Lum or Dundee and all their twisted offspring with their gross little teeth and their creepy tentacle arms picking on him, he just had all us Quake guys that couldn't hardly form a coherent sentence even after we all combined our severed limbs into this giant Voltron Robot-type thingie that didn't work AHAHA.

Edit: Now with more links so you Duke Boys can try to google up some on that ole antediluvian bastidge Raph!

Oh man that reminds me, I need me summa this.

Edit Edit: Had to change title after I realized how much fun it was to sing "I was made by Brad McQuaid!" while driving to the store to get coffee heh.

Ugh mebbe I shoulda saved that for my sunday poem or a folksong or sumpthin' ahaha.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Love For the Halflings Leaf

Tuna Tuna Tuna

I don't wanna see no more of that dark and poisonous shit of yers.

There's no excuse that wouldn't make me wanna drag your ass to the edge of town and finish you.

I'm serious.

I've told you all this stuff before and I don't like having to repeat myself, you really think your dark side is a virtue, you think you are the only one who had a shitty life, even though what is actually going on is that everybody else around you is struggling to keep their own dark sides in check.

And you aren't retarded, you don't need help, you've got the brain of a shark and the heart of a carnival worker.

And your sad story ain't even in my top ten thousand sad stories, man.

The only thing you got going for you as far as I'm concerned is that you helped Ex-B with his dad when he was dying.

That's it.

I don't think there's anything "cool" or even remotely interesting about you besides that, that's the only thing that makes it so that I can put up with you, shit, my old man was in prison for longer than you've even been a man and I spent the first half of my life so far dealing with his stupid shit.

And sometimes I wonder if you just did your one good deed like any other carnvial worker would, knowing that Ex-B would owe you, with that mafia circus of owing people, but then I think about the rest of the story, and I think you prolly got some heart left after all the shit you been through.

But I haven't totally made my mind up about that.

Anyways if you wanna get my attention and make me try to figure out a way to get Ex-B to hang out with you or something, you are really fucking it up, you ain't making me wanna hang out with you more, you're just making me glad I don't have to.

Its the one kind of stupid that I wouldn't expect from a guy like you, dragging down the people who actually give a shit about you and torturing 'em.

And then you wonder why they run away, and you think they're fucking evil or something.

Wake the fuck up man and turn that shit around, give the good side of yourself to the people who deserve it, and the bad side to everybody else.

I know you can do it, its thieves that are the best guards for the shit you don't want nobody to steal, and assassins that make the best bodyguards.

And all it takes is for you to think for a second about where you are aiming that shit of yers before you pull the trigger, that's the only difference between you being a villain that nobody will wanna hang with, and you being a hero that everybody will fucking cheer for.

Y'know, go after somebody besides your best friend, man.

Sick that miserable-ass radioactive shit of yours on Britney Spears or Paris Hilton or some shit that makes me laugh like you used to.

That's all you need to do.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

More News From Bree

Everybody who is playing LOTRO knows that the very first thing you have to do when you enter Bree is rightclick on the first name you see and set them to /ignore.

'Cause otherwise the only thing you are gonna have in your chatbox is paragraph after paragraph of gold selling and levelling service spam.

It makes me think that maybe Turbine should just quit banning 'em.

So then they won't feel like they have to keep making new characters with different names.

And then at least mebbe my /ignores will last for longer than one trip through Bree heh.

Goddang mang ahaha.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Wizards in Winter

Merry Crotchpunch

The family tradition for Christmas at my mom's house is that I go over there early on Christmas Eve and spend the whole day wrapping presents with my step dad, the Professor (who is starting to look more and more like Santa Claus now that his beard is starting to turn white heh).

That tradition started 'cause my mom is usually the one who does all the shopping and so its only fair that us meathead guys do all the wrapping.

Actually I shop for most of my own presents to other folks but I don't have all the wrapping paper and stuff that she does 'cause she's a crafting packrat, her basement looks like a cross between a three thousand year old library and an arts store where the whole place smells like potpourri and there's hardly any room to move betwen the isles and you gotta duck at certain places to get through the tunnels heh.

Anyways its fun.

Especially 'cause me and my stepdad are the last guys you'd ever pick for your present wrapping team, y'know, the Mad Scientist and the Viking, I got Martha Stewart's head on a spike out in front of my house heh.

So me and him spend most of the day laughing at how bad we suck.

But we're finally starting to get a little better at wrapping.

And that's because its SIX HOURS of wrapping presents over there every year.

Seriously, six hours of wrapping presents, man, I started at 10am and didn't finish 'till 4pm and I only had a couple smoke-n-scotch-n-coffee breaks heh.

My arms are all freaking stiff and nasty and my back is killing me from holding my big gorilla meathooks out in front of me while trying to do all that fine motor control work ahaha.

Well, whatever, its worth it, there's nothing cooler than watching my brother's kids unwrap all the stuff I wrapped, they're at that perfect age, the oldest is seven, the middle one is six, and the baby girl is four and she can talk and sing songs and ham it up so she's starting to be totally fun to hang out with (I'm not a big baby fan, I don't really start liking people until they can laugh and tell me jokes and stuff, 'till then, yer just some creepy little mouthbreather guy heh).

Anyways for dinner we do all these different meats and sausages that my mom gets from this german butcher place, like Knockers (which are big ole fat gourmet hotdogs), and Hunter's Sausage (I dunno how to spell in german, if it even is a german thing, but its really called Lunt-yay-grr, and its basically a fancy slimjim heh), and there's all sorts of other awesome stuff like brats and italian beef and cajun turkey for sammiches, and ten hundred different kinds of fancy breads and cheeses.

The idea is to keep things simple so my mom don't gotta spend all day cooking (but she does anyways, y'know how that works, she just expands to occupy whatever size fishtank you put her in heh).

And that's pretty much it.

But its awesome, man.

I got my brother's two boys this Slot Car Race Track thingie, like me and my brother had when we were their age, y'know, the ones with the triggers where you spend the first couple hours learning how not to have your car go flying off the track all awesome every time you hit a turn heh.

Its got a place where the tracks criss-cross, like criss-cross-crash.

'Member that thing?

The Super Collider for destroying matchbox car particles?

They're still selling 'em, I saw 'em when I was shopping for the slot-car thing heh.

So anyways anyways anyways the kids noticed that criss-cross thing on the cover of the box and they spent a good half hour pulling on my shirt and asking me what would happen when the two cars collided at that point, they're insane little mad scientist super villains rubbing their tiny little hands together evilly and you can see the awesome infernos they're imagining in their eyes ahaha.

I got me a bunch of cool stuff too, like a new coffee maker and a couple of back-up keyboards for when I spill coffee on 'em, which happens way more often than I'd like to think about heh.

And that crap about how keyboards will survive a trip through a dishwasher is such bullcrap man, one lttle "awshit" accident with a coffee cup when I'm reaching for my lighter is all it takes to do in every keyboard I've ever had, and I've had a million of 'em.

I actually prefer to use the old-fashioned kinds of keyboards, 'cause I learned to type super fast unconsciously, over time, just from being a programmer, y'know, starting with two fingers and then adding a finger every year until I ran out of fingers, and my hands won't adapt to the ergonomic thing, and I dunno how to teach them to do anything, it totally messes me up if I think about what my hands are doing when they're typing, if I pay too much attention to my hands, suddenly they stop doing their magic trick and I'm left looking at the keyboard to do everythiung 'cause my brain doesn't know where any of the goddam letters and buttons are heh.

I got some other cool stuff like movies and comfy pajamas and junk, and a fricking ton of left-overs, man, but I'm typing on the new keyboard and drinking coffee so that's sorta in the front of my mind at the moment.

Oh man, I got my mom and stepdad the third season of Stargate Atlantis and more importantly the second season of Rome, so I can't wait to see if they get like Ex-b about it, where they'll go around saying how bummed they are that the show is over and all that other stuff I ain't gonna say 'cause mebbe you din't see it and I don't wanna ruin it heh.

Welp, that's about it, now I get to relax and play with all my new toys, woohoo ahaha.

I'd wish you all a very merry christmas, but I know some of ya might get all insulted or feel persecuted or something.

And I'd wish you all a happy holidays, even though you might feel insulted and persecuted because you think the word holiday comes from mashing "holy" and "day" together.

But I'm pretty sure "holiday" is actually a Hindu thing and that "holy day" bit is just another one of those modern things where "smart" people think English was invented in England and stuff heh.

And saying that would piss off the people that I didn't piss off with the merry christmas and the rest of it, so I dunno who is left at this point ahaha.

Pagans mebbe.

But let's not even get into that "Jolly" Season and "Yule" stuff man with the human sacrifices and everything heh.

So I guess I'm gonna have to wish you all a "planet that wasn't full of idiots that need to turn an archaic form of Have a Nice Day into a Personal Attack" or something ahaha.

"Oh, you better not be wishing me a merry christmas, you asshat, your sappy mysticism and sentimental idiocy is totally offensive to me."

"Yah well then I hope you have a very VERY merry christmas!"

Oh boy I'm gonna be cooking marshmallows in hell for a couple hundred eternities for that one heh.

I hope you guys are happy now ahaha.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Don't Feel Like Dancing

Without Much Further Ado About Nothing

The votes are in for the Annual Best Taco In Antarctica Award!

Second Place was Raph, for protesting his involvement in the Antarctican Taco Contest as if he might have won if he had indeed tried to make a Taco, that was awesome.

Silly Raph, you don't try to make a Taco, Tacos just happens.

And this is a personality contest anyway, you can't be disqualified from a personality contest held by some random guy that thinks his momma is paying you to entertain him or something even if you are some no-personality robot that is just copying other people's personalities.

'Cause even then, we can judge the robot's personality on what he chooses to copy, y'know?

I mean, there really is some argument there that that is all that there is to the regular old human personality anyway, y'know, everything is derivative, and there's a lot of people that just go around repeating shit they heard on the radio and whatever.

Well I know I do that heh.

And there really is no such thing as a random guy, everybody's got an agenda, even guys like me that just go around trying to cheer up our buddies are actually voting for the guy that I think will give me the most laughs and make me the most smartest guy EVAR for my vote or something, right?

Like, say, if I was one of these wannabe-game-dev-guys for a certain kinda game with my own MMO News Site and everything, and you courted the people in my crowd for followers, but then suddenly you weren't making that kinda game anymore, or you were making one of those kinda games, but it doesn't seem like its gonna come out for a while compared to some other guy, then you ain't gonna get my vote, I'm gonna stick my vote where its gonna give me the best my-kinda-bang for my-kinda-buck heh.

You think you're the only guy where people have totally messed up expectations of you?


"We're having a really hard time making you fit into one of our stereotypes, so we're gonna have to classify you as Weird."

"Yah well mebbe your brain just isn't big enough to wrap itself around everybody else's brains like that and still have something left over to think with. I know mine sure ain't."

Well, whatever, I love Raph and I think the world would be a much crappier place without him, don't get me wrong.

He's just not perfect or anything, 'cause there ain't no such animal, especially in the more exotic animal kingdoms heh.

As for me, I'm giving myself the Most Likely to Marry My Cousin Award.

'Cause I just can't trust you guys to treat her right after what happened last time heh.

And that guy from the Wallstreet Journal can suck my ass, what a moldy old liberal arts major school marm dope, I mean, my purpose is to cheer up my buddies and give 'em some lopsided encouragement without seeming like I'm just being smarmy and gladhanding so it gets past their I-Hate-Compliments What-The-Hell-Are-You-Trying-to-Sell-Me Psychological Defense Systems that the dude who runs the Wall Street Journal is in some small part responsible for heh.

Is he an expert on writing, or a expert on marketing and financial shit?

And the paper universe of the liberal arts majors are in the goddam Victorian Times as far as technology news and the experiences internet people have that they wanna blabber about.

And y'know, I'm sure the world of investing is the exact same way, I'm sure there's killer shark guys out there that read the Wall Street Journal and go "oh man this is so Last Friday, thanks for letting me know what all the newbs are gonna do!" ahaha.

And don't even try to bring the real journalists into it, as if the Wall Street Journal had anything in the goddam WORLD to do with any of the truly heroic journalist guys.

You can't make claims like that just because you share the same writing materials as a kid trying not to get killed in a jeep in Africa or something, y'know, I might be crass and ignorant and disrespectful and pompous and self-important, but that's just crass and ignorant and disrespectful and pompous and self-important beyond belief, man, that's going so far that you are actually starting to commit crimes and damage shit that's worth a million times what your stupid ass self-serving organs would go for on the black market heh.

I'm pretty goddam irreverent, but there are some things that even I think oughta be revered.

And let's face it, the Wall Street Journal is more like a Myspace of Investing Shit where everybody has to kiss the ass of some guy before they can post anything, and then he turns around and needs to sell it to advertisers and the public.

Of course he ain't gonna like it when life finds a way to undermine his powerbase and escape from the Dinosaur Park and squirt out through all the cracks all over the place, that's his lifeblood and livelihood leaking out all over the floor right there, that loss of control can be terrifying for folks who make their living off of trying to keep things under control heh.

And I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I don't really have any idea whether he is or not, I mean, if I had to guess I'd say that he's prolly responsible for putting Christmas Dinners on the table of tons of hardworking Cratchets and paying for more than a couple Tiny Tim Operations, he's prolly not just looking out for himself.

Y'know, I don't wanna make it like I'm villainizing him, 'cause I'm not into that kinda simple shit.

But he oughta be smart enough to know that us genetically enchanced frogosaurs see that sorta shit he was saying as a sign of weakness, that's the smell of blood in the water baby ahaha.

"Ah, there is my lovely little straggler in the herd!"

Not that the Wall Street Journal doesn't have its place, y'know, it just definitely ain't that place heh.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Concerning Hobbits

I'm playing the Lord of the Rings Online again.

Hey its the only game that doesn't make me feel sorta seasick when I think about it heh.

Started over on Winfolia sose I could pester Big Ed and Jadesfyre and Wolf and them.

They added lots of stuffs since I played, like new spells fer loremasters and this thing where you can be a chicken and run around and have awesome chicken adventures, and they got houses now, I think you can even decorate 'em with hideous lawn ornaments, and there's a bunch more recipes for cool little trinkets and doo-dads folks can craft, and they still got the dancing instructor thing for some good old fashioned virtual country line dancing!

C'mon Ex-B!

Middle Earth needs you!

Oh don't gimme that just ask Star Wars Christmas Santa for it or something!

The Power of Tiny Elvis compels you!

Oh man!


Thursday, December 20, 2007

No MAN Can Kill ME

The Stupid Helmets Syndrome

First there was the Helmet Visibility Toggle in EQ1.

And we needed that Toggle because the helmets were so goddam stupid looking in EQ1.

I mean, seriously ruin-your-gaming-experience stupid looking.

My ogre had a variety of Football Helmets in Different Colors with Baby Huey Chin Straps and Rhino Horns sticking out of 'em.

And we used to call human paladins "Bucket Heads" but we were actually being nice.

But that's not how we got the Helmet Invisibility Toggle Bill Passed through the Court of the Vision, see, we had to tell "the Brad" and his crazy ass Helmet Artist that we needed the Helmet Toggle for Roleplaying Purposes or something before they got it through their thick-ass garabge can paladin heads heh.

"By the Flaming Sword of Aradune! We are saved!"

What the hell is it with MMOs and stupid helmets?

Every single one of 'em has the most unbelievably dumb looking helmets and hats that you've ever seen in your life.

Think about it for a sec, seriously.

The only ones that were any "good" were actually so bad that they sorta transcended their own badness and became amusing or something heh.

And they were bad in WoW too man, don't try to gimme that, dude, they got guys with Animal Head Hats and stuff where your face is poking out of some Animal's Mouth as if you entered the animal through its ass and that's where you got stuck when its body finally exploded man c'mon there's definitely something Hooey Going On in Hooville baby ahaha.

Well, whatever.

So first there was the Helmet Toggle.

And then the next one that came along was the Cape Toggle.

And that's 'cause Capes were a New Invention, we didn't have 'em in 3d in the beginning 'cause that was hard.

And we needed a toggle for capes 'cause we wanted the stats and armor from the capes but some of us played female charactes and we needed to be able to see our characters ass or what the hell was the point?

And there were always those of us that just think Capes are for Idiots and Small Children heh.

But that's not how we got the Bill Passed through the Court of Whatever Game It Was That Had the Cape Toggle First (DAoC mebbe?).

And we didn't use the It Makes It Hard to Roleplay Excuse for some reason either.

Nope, we used the "capes makes me lag" excuse for that one.

Thank god they made somebody lag and we could all jump on that bandwagon and save ourselves heh.

And now we come to Lord of the Rings Online.

Which has a Shoe Visibility Toggle.

To help Hobbits Roleplay without forcing them to take a stat and armor penalty.

But everybody can use it, including my geezery-ass human barefoot hippy Loremaster, y'know, it isn't just limited to Hobbits.

Now, that's all fine and good, really.

Except that it makes me wonder why don't we have a Toggle for Gloves.

'Cause it looks really weird to see a barefoot guy with gloves on (it don't matter if they're a hobbit or what heh).

And then, since I went that far, what about a Toggle for Shirts and Pants?

Well, its not like I can't take my pants off and run around sticking my character's crotch in people's faces whenever they sit down to rest any time I want in all these games anyways heh.

And its the same thing with shirts, there's never been a game that didn't let you take off your shirt.

That's just never been against the Rules.

So whats the big deal with making it an Invisibility Toggle?

Do they think the extra effort of "dragging-and-dropping" to get my pants off might make me think twice about going through with the whole no pants crotch-in-your face gag?

And I can make a Depants Hotkey anytime I want anyways, y'know, just drag my pants to Emergency Comedy Hotkey Button 8 or whatever, problem solved heh.

So why not have it be an Invisibility Toggle?

Do you think too many of us would use it?

Is that what the problem really is?

That the playerbase at large can't be trusted with a Pants Visibility Toggle 'cause it'd be Pants Anarchy and we'd ruin our own gaming experience by running around pantsless all the time?

Its not like my character is even naked when I take off his pants anyways.

And its not like I really need to take off my pants to do the stick-my-crotch-in-your-face-whenever-you-sit-down gag.

I'm just doing it because I'm a Great Roleplayer.

Taking my pants off shows I'm willing to go the extra mile for Roleplaying, y'know, it enhances the Immersiveness of the Crotch In Your Face Experience.

Bah whatever.

People running around barefoot-with-gloves-on seems way the hell creepier to me, in like a clinically creepy way, than a good old-fashioned no-pants crotch-in-yer-face gag heh.

That's all I'm saying.

Well, that and you gotta wonder what is up with the apparently incurable Stupid Helmets Syndrome in MMOs.

I mean seriously, I wanna know who gave the okay on that Jewel-Encrusted Pink Pope Hat I had in SWG.

And this hat I got in LOTRO that I can't even describe besides saying that it's kinda like a cross between a Purple Question Mark and a Nun's Cap With Earflaps.

And I ain't even gonna get into the rest of it with these orange tights I got tucked into my Official Lord of the Rings Lore Orange Sneakers and the weird-looking "quilted" orange sleeveless shirt I got with my green shoulderpads and cape and my creepy ass OCD strangler gloves heh.

You couldn't even get the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz to wear this shit man ahaha.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

You Look Like You Needed It

This one time when me and my little brother were really tiny little punkass shrimps we were in the toy isle at some supermarket.

And he walked up to this poor little kid that was even littler than we were, I din't even notice the kid until my brother walked up him.

And this little kid was looking all sad and deflated or something, like he just knew that his parents couldn't afford to buy him some toy that he really wanted, and he wasn't even gonna ask, 'cause he didn't wanna have to put his momma through the whole ordeal of feeling sad that she couldn't buy him whatever it was that he wanted, and so he was just staring at some stupid toy and getting sadder and sadder and sadder and swallowing it down, just like all the other poor kids who have to grow up really fast tend to do.

Which was a tune that me and my little brother knew pretty well, 'cause we came from a dirt poor family too heh.

Anyways, I dunno what toy this other little kid was looking at, I wasn't really paying attention to that part of it, I was way more wondering what my little brother was up to, walking up to this kid, y'know, when yer close in age with yer brother and spend all of your time standing next to the guy he becomes super predictable to you and you end up sorta like twins.

And when yer twin does something that you don't expect it really kinda catches you off guard and shakes yer shit up a little and makes you pay attention, time slows down like yer in an accident and everything gets all dramatic like yer suddenly in a black and white movie.

Anyways so I watch my brother walk up to this kid and he puts his hand on the top of this kid's head and they just stand there like that for a second and its truly bizarre with the little kid looking up at him all sad and cute (heck they were both kinda cute little poor kids heh).

And then my brother messes up this little kid's hair and the little kid smiles.

It was all silent and super weird, neither of 'em said nothing.

And then without a word between either of 'em my brother just turns away from the kid and comes back over to me.

And I'm all like "wtf was THAT all about?"

And he's like "he just looked like he needed it."

My brother was only four years old when he did that (I was the wise old bossman with six whole years of experience on planet earth under my belt heh).

And it made me think about how I would've just went about my business without doing anything for that sad little kid, I woulda just sorta ignored him or whatever.

And all that little kid needed was somebody to go over there and fuck up his hair or something to turn it all around heh.

Anyways I never let my little brother forget that weird story, he's an old guy now with kids of his own but we still do the "he just looks like he needed it" gag and we laugh and its kinda awesome how we're still the exact same guys we were when we were six and four years old and all it takes is that weird little spark of random shit to send us all the way back in time to that stupid toy isle in the supermarket with that sad little kid that he made smile.

Which reminds me of something.

Sometimes you just need to stare at a picture of a car sitting still with some music that makes you wanna get up and do anything else in the world besides sit there and stare at a picture of a car sitting still.

It's true.

Yah well I dunno you just look like you needed it.

Hey, if you wanted smiles then you came to the wrong brother heh.


Inhibbity Bibbity

I dunno if anybody reads my blog for gaming type-stuff (my real life pals sure don't, they get even more glassy-eyed than they usually are when I do that kinda crap heh) without reading crap that would make sense to read if you were one of those kinda people but if you are one of those kinda people then go here 'cause its goddam awesome.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Ghost of Sagan Speaks, Predicts Future

Carl Sagan on Charlie Rose 1995 Part 1.
Carl Sagan on Charlie Rose 1995 Part 2.

Man I'm so glad I managed to stumble on to the exact same page as him without having to be all smart and read all them stupid ass books to get there woohoo let's go smoke some cigarettes behind the school and light some shit on fire heh.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

The Reveal

So, there's this whole Unofficial and Official Forums controversy for Massively Multiplayer Online Games heh.

I don't really care about that, but it reminds me of something I keep fergitting to blabber about.

Anybody 'member Mynn the Museless?

She got banned from EQ1 for doing something on the forums when EQ1 went from Unoffical Forums to Official Forums Ruled With an Iron Fist.

And then she ended up hanging out on Lum's forums and howling about the Man and stuff.

And her and this other guy named Kelnya or Kelyna (or something like that, he kept switching the letters around) started a funny gaming news web site or something that Dundee linked to one time.

I think it mighta been the Morlocks, or something that came out at about the same time as the Morlocks, I dunno, my memory is about as trusty as a wet sammich when it comes to stuff I didn't personally have anything to do with, but I remember Dundee linking to it and then being a little surprised and having to keep my mouth shut.

Anyways both of them were a couple of the folks I hung out and grouped with when I was first learning to play EQ.

Mynn volunteered to table dance at my ogre's bachelor party if I agreed to marry my stalker ex-girlfriend in-game (but I didn't heh).

And that Kelnya guy was the one my stalker ex-girlfriend thought was a girl that was flirting with me too much even though he was a guy and we were just horsing around ahaha.

"She just /poked you!"

"Its a he."

So I had to quit hanging out with him and it was all super awkward and awesome ahaha.

The Real Life Dwarf hated him because that was back in the days before folks knew if the Rogue Pickpocketing Ability was skimming something off the group loot thing (I told the Dwarf we were getting robbed just 'cause it was funny to make him all crazy and mad, he was so wasted he actually thought rogues could pickpocket players heh).

Man yah I remember seeing Kelyna arguing with folks on the Loremaster forums for LOTR too, back when I was playing that, it was horrid but at least he's still around heh.

Anyways that was part of the same little gang that Bogmu the Potree Troll came from (the guy that became a super hero in Dundee's UO Emulator thingie, I forget what his name was there, something that started with an S, I think, but whatever, I'm the guy that invited him over there, he really is my oldest "internet" gaming buddy, first internet dude my real life pals ever adopted into our gang of jerks heh).

Yah these are all the cool interconnected-its-a-Small-World-thingies that I've kept secret up 'till now and snickered about over all these years to myself, y'know, what with my awesome Ole Bald Angus disguise, 'cause now its safe to say something considering they've all but disappeared from the net and so it wouldn't look like some kinda conspiracy ('cause it wasn't, it was just flukey luck or the way funny people tend to cluster together like lumps in the gravy or something).

I've admitted to playing parts in actual gaming conspiracies so I didn't want to get nailed for one that wasn't on purpose, y'know, nobody would believe me heh.

Especially with all those MMO Depression Era UO Conspiracy Nuts out there ahaha.

Man, this reminds me of something else I was trying to make myself remember to blabber about but now I can't remember what it was.


Well, whatever, its not like its a big deal to anybody at large, its just one of those odd little things, y'know?

Leave It To Beaver


When I was younger, my associates and I attempted to create the Ultimate PvP Player in a laboratory setting through various applications of the scientific method, such as a wide array of ego-destroying psychological torture techniques and failure-oriented punishments, shooting for a rabid "compressed coil" effect in the competitive gaming environment that was modelled after what always seems to happen with Catholic School Girls, if ya know what I mean *nudge nudge*

And then we unleashed him on the public.

In the contest where Thresh won the Ferrarri, he made it into the top 100, but then our Psychologically Augmented FrankenPvPer was defeated by some rocket-jumping female tart.

Surely Science had forsaken us!

So that's when I gave up the whole labcoat-and-clipboard thing and I fled the scene and I turned to sorcery and started smoking a pipe heh.

Oh, our FrankenPVPer is still out there somewhere, staggering through the optional digital shadows of the various virtual PvP environments, wandering the cold and lonely backroads of DAoC in a trail of its own monstrous tears, howling its inhuman cries for the sweet release of a Permanent Death that will never happen and unleashing its hellish rage on anyone foolish enough to cross its path ahaha.

Friday, December 14, 2007

It Does Not Move Me

The Transatmospheric Railroad

This space elevator junk isn't that far off.

Its a lot farther along than the last time I looked at it.

Although when I started digging around a little bit into all the current stuff I came back smelling sorta like PT Barnum heh.

Parking Space

"Well what about Geonstationary Orbit?"

"Too expensive, dear. I could buy a brand new cruiser for what it costs to park there for a day! Plus its probably packed to the gills with rich idiots and mega-amphetamine fiends who don't know how to parallel park already anyways."

"How about Geosynchronous Orbit?"

"Hah! Last time we did that we got a dent in the rear fender and a scratch in the paint for our troubles. Those Geosynchronous Parking Attendent Clowns ought to be working rides at the carnvial and not tracking satellite trajectories!"

"But couldn't we park in one of the Lagrange Points by the Moon? Its so much closer."

"The Moon is a Bad Neighborhood, dear."

"But the shuttle ride from Lagrange Point Two is so long, the clones are going to be a handful."

"They should still be groggy from suspended animation for most of the trip, bless their little hearts. And I'll find us a nice place to park in the shade at Lagrange Point Two so the ship won't be all hot and sticky when we get back from our family fun-filled day at Disney World. Trust me, this'll all work out, we're all going to have a great time."

"The last time you said that..."

"Don't push it, honey. There's still plenty of time for me to call this whole thing off, put you back in suspended animation with those idiot triplets of yours, and head off to Planet Xena for some real fun. Don't think I'm not tempted!"

Thursday, December 13, 2007


This is still my favorite webpage of all times.

I spent a lot of my youth being pissed off that everybody wanted to map space out in 2D with constellations and stuff, and I ain't got any use for that, I don't wanna think about space in 2D, I need stuff in at least 3D (I can do the fourth dimension on my own when I'm looking up on a dark country night thanks to way we measure distances in lightyears heh).

I'm always worried that whoever runs that site is gonna stop (its been around forever), but now the guy has got stuff blinking when he adds something new (which means we musta just learned something new).

Its got all the habitable zones around stars calculated and the latest exo-planet stuff too, its just goddam awesome, its a real map of whats around us that some totally kickass guy is actually keeping up to date with links to all the relevant articles and stuff.

He's like the Great Wizard of Human Achievements in Space Exploration or something, I mean, Flying Saucers can actually use his library to make their travel plans and stuff heh.

I Have a Bad Feeling About This


"That's exactly what I was thinking!"

New space stuff for SWG!

New gunboats baby!

Says they're trying to fix the turrets for multiplayer ships to make 'em more pleasurable too heh.

Just in time for Star Wars Christmas!

Anybody wanna try it out with me?

*covers kickass cyborg eyeball with kickass robot hand to keep it from popping out during fit of kickass cyborg laughter*

C'mon, I know you wanna, they apparently got new instances where you need a balanced group and stuff too heh.

Yep, gonna need me some healers ahaha.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Here Comes the Twist

Laughter in Text Format

This is just my interpretations of all the different laughs you see on the internet (check out the chart at the bottom of this wiki page, its awesome heh), y'know, like the way my gang of buddies (originally from Quake and then into MMOs and all that) uses all this different stuff.

Heh: A chuckle, could mean there's some sarcasm involved in the previous statement, or it could just be one of those "chuckles of surprise," sorta like a snort in reverse, I guess, or something that wasn't quite funny enough to actually make you laugh out loud, I tend to use these to indicate a smirk or some kinda grin, too, 'cause I don't like doing *grin* emotes 'cause showing your teeth to people is considered threatening in some cultures and stuff heh.

Hehe: a short little cutesy giggle, an inch from a snicker.

Heheh: A double-chuckle indicates the previous statement was definitely meant in a sarcastic way (its not sardonic though, its all friendly, there aren't too many sardonic laughs that I know of).

Hehehe: a giggle that's gone to the banjo-playing toothless whiskey-stinking hillbilly geezer levels where its not so cute anymore heh.

Heheheh: A pot-head stoner chuckle, indicates marijauna is being consumed or possibly some other form of brain damage has occured (but usually its the pot thing, its just one of those things that people do on the internet when they're high, like the way they sit upright in their seats like old ladies and follow trucks on the highway at 25 miles per hour when they ain't on the internet heh).

Ha: Mmm, I dunno, I never use this one for anthing all by itself like that, but it kinda gives me the creeps, so mebbe I should use it for something.

Hah: An explosive Yul Brynner Hands on Hips kinda laugh, its more of a puff of cocky aggression or displeasure than anything that has to do with good humor (its almost always used as part of a gag and not in a serious way).

Haha: Traditional laugh, I usually only use this in dialogue or in response to somebody else at the beginning of a sentence (I dunno why I think you need to use this at the beginning of a sentence, I just do, I never use "Heh" to start a sentence for some reason, its just one of those weird things).

Hahaha: a laugh were you actually had to take a sec to compose yerself afterwards.

Hahahah: Same as Heheheh.

Ahaha: the Terrance and Phillip Laugh, or a laugh that actually makes you rock back in your seat a little.

I started using "ahaha" when I was playing EQ to remind myself that if I started typing a laugh with a merchant-type npc targetted he'd aggro on you and insta-kill you ("h" was the "hail" key, and "a" was the "attack" key, so you can see where the problems might arise with improper modal chat box usage while hanging out with yer jackass buddies heh).

I dunno how many chunks of levels I lost 'cause of that laughing shit ahaha.

HAHA: A nice big healthy laugh where you go a little too hoarse at the end to complete a full HAHAHA.

HAHAHA: the "might need to call an ambulance because I'm about to rupture an intestine" laugh, or a Generic Maniac Laugh, this usually indicates that several minutes passed while you were overcome by humorous vapors, adding extra HAs on the end awards something more comdedy points.

AHAHA: a sorta semi hysterical, semi-insane laugh.

Muahaha: Evil Supervillain or Mad Scientist laugh.

Mwahaha: Evil Dumb Monkey Boy On Rollerskates laugh.

Teehee: cutesy man-pretending-to-be-a-girl-on-the-internet laugh, when we do this in real life as part of a gag, we cover our mouth with our hand to imitate japanese school girls with good manners.

LOL: teh "Laughing Out Loud" Internets Dummass Version of Laff.

Laff: the "Internet Cool Guy Nonchalant Superiority Fighter Form" of LOL, its from the same weapons division that the the word "ghey" came from, its kinda like a rock-paper-scissors thing if there were no scissors and so the rock always loses, fortunately it isn't wielded much outside of the world of IMs and chatbox-type things where you can type a lot of little things like that without any punctuation and stuff.

ROFL: its Rolling On the Floor Laughing, but this one is never gonna go away because there really are those times when these four little letters are all you can manage to punch into your computer to explain your prolonged absence from the keyboard and the conversation and whatever as you struggle to regain your wits, its a lot like the Internet Version of SOS.

ROFLMAO: the "Extended Version of ROFL," I always think that ROFLMAOs are a little too contrived and not really spontaneous enough to seem as realistic and authentic and plausible as a good ole Life Threatening ROFL, y'know, I start to get a little suspicious that people are only pretending to laugh when you see one of these.

Kekeke: the "making fun of the koreans who beat our ass at the original Warcraft" laugh.

Ho: either a generic term for a girl, a prostitute, or a battle cry, depending on how loud you say it (not a laugh)

Hoho: the cheesy superhero version of "ah hah!" or a noise people make when they want somebody to stop moving (not a laugh)

Hohoho: the Santa Laugh, we use it to start a gag where we're gonna pretend to be a pompous know-it-all like Mister Science and shit too though.

Not too many negative laughs compared to the junk they got in that chart, but we were never much into wrapping up our hostility in some kinda cutesy subterfuge, and even when we were into that kinda thing, we preferred to get away with it for as long as possible and not do any blatant-and-corny moustache-twisting and stuff heh.

Jokes Are Horrible

"So these three nuns are walking down the street and a flasher comes up to 'em and flashes 'em."

"What's a flasher?"

"Its a naked guy in a trenchcoat that goes up to people with his trenchcoat closed and then he opens his trenchcoat at the last second and gives them a flash of his naked body."

"Man that's creepy. Is it some kinda stupid gag or something, like mooning people or streaking?"

"Mmn, I dunno, I think its a little more sinister than that."

"So its like sexual assault or something. Do people actually do that kinda thing?"

"Mmm, I dunno, I've never seen anybody do it."

"Then where did you learn about 'em from?"

"I guess it was the dude that told me this joke."

"Ah. Okay, go on."

"Okay, so there's these three nuns walking down the street, and a flasher comes up to 'em and flashes 'em."


"And the first nun has a stroke right there on the spot."

"Okay now this joke is getting kinda sad and disgusting, actually. Dead nuns and sexual predators and all that. Are you sure this is gonna be funny?"

"Hmm, I dunno, but lemme finish."

"Okay, but my grampa had a lot of strokes."

"Okay, so the first nun has a stroke, and the second nun also has a stroke."

"Jeeze looeeze man."

"And the third nun doesn't touch him at all."

"So the funny part of this thing is that you are trying to make me imagine nuns stroking a sexual predator's genitals?"


"Well that's better than them being murdered in the street by some weird sex fetish guy, I guess."

"Uh, yah."

"Not by much though."


"Maybe that's what is supposed to make the joke funny, its like a twist ending where something totally grotesque and horrible happens but it isn't as horrible as what you thought was going to happen, so in comparison, it makes the sexual interactions between nuns and people with creepy sexual issues seem fun and light-hearted."


"Seems kinda like it reinforces the idea that Flasher Sex Fetish Fantasies are okay, too. I bet the guy that made this joke up was a Flasher, or had Nun-Flashing Impulses and fantasies or something. You ever think that maybe it was a cry for help or something?"

"Dude I'm really starting to hate telling jokes heh."

"Yah they're pretty horrible ahaha."

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

You're So Mean to People

Smart People Suck

A lotta people go around complaining about how everybody is stupid.

I don't get it.

I mean, you'd think you'd want everybody to be stupid, so they'd fall fer all yer shit.

You definitely don't want 'em all to be smarter than you.

Shit man that'd suck.

They'd be making you buy all sorts of dumb shit and making you do all sorts of stupid crap.

So I think its prolly better if everybody is stupid, right?

Ya oughta have a big ole wolfish grin busting out on yer face when you think about how stupid they all are.

I dunno about you but I'm hoping they all forget how to read.

'Cause then they can't read the stuff I read that made me smarter than them.

Unless some other smart guy makes it into a movie or something.

See, smart people suck, man, they ruin everything.

And then they go around complaining about how stupid everybody is and telling 'em to learn how to read and shit on top of it!

ADD Theater

This thing doesn't make me feel old.

Doesn't make me feel anything except confident in my decision to hardly ever watch TV.

Even if yer just watching that shit for the hot chick there's plenty of hotter, smarter, funnier, and more naked chicks you could be watching heh.

Wanna know what really does make me feel old?

The way that all the little kids who hate G4 TV as much as I do (I love how they get all nostalgic about how great Old School G4 was ahaha) say that...

...Star Trek is boring.

Here's a little something for those kids.

This is why Ex-bouncer can't get me interested in kids that are from his generation and younger, you guys ain't got nuthin interesting, baby.

Won't be until my brother's kids get a little older that the Democracy of Cool will accept new members, y'know?

And even then, yer gonna have to vote against the combined weight of the Baby Boomers and Generation X, instead the way we had it, where we only had to wrestle with our parents and the sides were more even.

'Cause them Baby Boomers are living longer and shit now.

That's just how it is, with the population booms and stuff, y'know, there's the Baby Boom, Generation X, and then... some people that haven't got quite old enough to vote on what's cool yet heh.

Anybody who ain't in one of those big clumps is just the in-betweens, you guys ain't got enough votes in the Democracy of Cool Contests to be anything but a bunch of good-fer-nothing punkass kids ahaha.

Oh I'm just kidding.

Well, not about the Democracy of Cool thing, that's fer real, but how well you adapt to it doesn't have anything to do with yer age, I mean, fer fuck's sake, if you think Star Trek is boring, yer gonna have a really hard time being an archaeologist and shit ahaha.

Actually Star Trek is kinda boring, ya kinda got a point there, now that I think about it, but its only 'cause I seen 'em all already.

Still, you shouldn't talk bad about Star Trek out loud, man, that's just wrong.

Its wrong because its like against society.

Awww, don't take it bad, I know there's nine year old kids that're smarter than half the folks from Generation X, always seems like there's the same pitiful small handful of smart folks going all the way back to the ancient times and those are the only ones that really matter in the long run.

Back in my day, we didn't have ADD, you were just fucking stupid, and that was okay, heck, that was usually better than okay, 'cause at least the Forrest Gumps of the world will help you out when you need it, insteada using their super powerful brains to make all these absolutely brilliant excuses not to help you with that flat tire or whatever heh.

Ex-B is gonna be a strange mix of pissed and happy with me 'cause I picked on his generation (actually he ain't that young, that's just one of those long-running gags we do) but the chick in that spazz link is totally his type, man.

While back in my day *plucks banjo* we'd have to put yer ass down if you started acting like that ahaha.

"Ah think she's got the rabies."

Monday, December 10, 2007

A Nexus

It Came Out of the Sky

I always know I'm dreaming, its sorta like Lucid Dreaming without any super powers or anything, I'm the same guy I am when I'm awake in a virtual reality that's run by some other part of my brain.

And I can wake up anytime I want and leave the theatre so its not like I'm a captive audience or anything, if I don't like the movie they're playing I don't have to be innit.

Anyways sometimes I have these dreams with super humongous and drooly awesome special effects that you just can't get in the Waking World 'cause the screens aren't big enough and the special effects aren't on unlimited budgets and perfect heh.

Last night I had one of those, where I was standing in the street of an industrial park (although it was all fancy office buildings and not all that industrial) and the sky turned all dark and creepy and swirly and messed up and then these things that looked sorta liked meteors started coming down but then they veered off to the right at a ninety degree angle in formation and I could see that they sorta looked like peach pits in profile and I realized it was gonna be an Aliens Apocalypse Movie so I was like "oh kick ass" ahaha.

And suddenly everybody is pouring out of the office buildings and running past me in the streets and screaming all Here Comes Godzilla Style and they're trying to get away from the place in their cars and buses and vans and SUVs and the traffic is insane and I can see from their endless line of brake lights going out to the highway that they ain't getting anywhere, they're just sitting out there.

So I head over to the nearest office building that ain't made completely out of glass and I go inside, figuring I'd find some folks hiding out in there that I could interrogate for info about the dream while I waited to see what the alien paratroopers were gonna look like in person, descending from the sky on silky spider strings or who knows what, its a dream, y'know, there's no Rules, my brain knows it can make anything it wants look perfectly real so its bound to be pretty weird and creepy heh.

So I step inside and I let the heavy metal door swish shut behind me and suddenly everything is quiet.

And the lights are turned down low in the lobby and the building seems to be completely deserted, I mean, I don't hear anything moving in the entire building on any of the floors above me or anything.

And I stand just inside the doorway, and I think about looking around and exploring the place, I even cross over to the stairs besides the elevator ('cause I ain't gonna trust the elevator heh) and I'm about to put my hand on the door, but then I start to hear some scraping and clattering noises coming from somewhere way up inside the guts of the building on the top floors.

So I get the hell out of there, I don't wanna be the only guy standing around when the movie first decides to show the aliens, y'know, that's just a Rule of Horror Movies, you don't wanna be that guy ahaha.

So I step outside and I look around for some other people, y'know, for that safety in numbers thing, gotta give my brain somebody else besides me to show off its monsters' freaky digestive systems and stuff on heh.

And I see a ton of people trying to reinforce the doors in this building across the street, apparently that's where all the folks that decided against trying to escape in their cars are gathering.

But then I thought it all over and I decided to wake up.

'Cause I din't really wanna get stuck in that building.

Especially when I had just learned that the aliens were coming down the insides of the buildings from the roofs, like in that last building I was in, and these guys are basically working their ass off to block their own escape path on the ground level and with all the racket they're making they probably can't even hear 'em coming.

And I didn't wanna keep going in the dream and be stuck all by myself, wandering around some Alien Apocalypse world that I wasn't even familiar with.

That's one of the bad things about having the kind of Lucid Dreams I have, I don't really belong in the movie, so I don't have any memory of a car that belongs to me or a past history or a house or friends or anything in the story, and I'd have to find and steal and sweet talk dream folks into giving me everything I need to survive and that's a lot of work.

Too bad I never got to see the aliens though, I bet they woulda been awesome heh.

Actually the idea that they were gonna look just like us, y'know, all body-snatcher style, had already crossed my mind, and I didn't wanna get pulled into one of those cheap ass "jump-out-of-your-skin" unsuspected-treachery twist-ending rip-offs, I know I can't trust my brain to keep that kinda shit under control ahaha.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Merry Stalker Christmas

I was trying to think of something fulla Holiday Cheer to write about today but then my stalker ex-girlfriend called and now I'm hoping she don't break into my apartment in the middle of the night and try to stick a screwdriver in me while I'm sleeping or something heh.

Man you stalker people need to pick somebody new to stalk every few years, that should be a Rule, I mean, after ten years of this shit, I'm getting sorta used to sleeping with an aluminum cookie sheet duct-taped to my soft underbelly ahaha.

Anyways, I don't mean to bum you guys out with my stupid problems, y'know.

So Happy Holidays everyone!

Hope Santa gives ya whatever junk you want!

And I wish you all the best for the New Year and everything!

Especially you goddam stalkers who are wasting the best man-catching years of your life chasing some poor hermit around and killing all his pets and leaving crazy messages on his answering machine and sleeping on his doorstep and stuff 'cause you don't wanna share him with nobody even though he just keeps asking you to please leave him alone over and over and over again year after year after year ahaha.

Brain Fitness

Watched this thing earlier today on PBS about How the Brain Works and Brain Fitness and Mental Exercises you can do to keep yer Brain Healthy and make it more powerful and stuff but then I started getting groggy from these mozarella sticks I was eating while I was watching it and then I passed out in the middle of the show and now I can't hardly remember what the hell they were all blabbering about.

But I don't feel like I really missed out on anything, y'know?

'Cause even my lazy, good-fer-nuthin, cheese-saturated brain thinks that a guy who actually understands all this brain junk and knows all sorts of mental tricks and exercises to make his brain more awesome and powerful oughta be more interesting and entertaining than Larry the Cable Guy and not bore me into unconsiousness and shit heh.

And you'd think that a guy that studies all that and practices it oughta be able to take a joke better than the average guy too but fer some reason my stupid little out-of-shape brain is saying that it kinda doubts that that'd be the case ahaha.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Free Psychic Energy Readings

Meet New York's Foremost Psychic Energy Reader, CB Walker.

There aren't even words to describe how awesome he is so I'm not gonna bother.

I can't believe that he ain't nationwide and a millionaire and more famous than the Beatles already, but his website says that you can watch his show live on Fridays at 11EST through this Public Access website.

Uhh Huh
Early Bird Callers
CB Got a Lust Problem
Highlight Reel
Asked If He's a Comedy Act
Arnold Soundboard Thing
Loves Them Spanish Girls
Relationship Advice
Keeps His Cool
Pranked Again
White Castle
Medicated Psychic Part 1
Medicated Psychic Part 2
Medicated Pyschic Part 3
Medicated Pyschic Part 4
Medicated Pyschic Part 5
Medicated Pyschic Part 6
Medicated Pyschic Part 7
Halloween Special Part 1
Halloween Special Part 2
Halloween Special Part 3
Halloween Special Part 4
Thanksgiving Special Part 1
Thanksgiving Special Part 2
Thanksgiving Special Part 3
Thanksgiving Special Part 4
Thanksgiving Special Part 5

I'm sending him my Positive Energy.

Australian Fartologists Save Planet

Whew dawg this is good news.

Seriously, ain't livestock farts the leading cause of global warming?

I think I heard that somewheres.

So this should lower the sea level and make the North Pole re-freeze and stuff then.

Man, I hope fixing the farts too much doesn't send us tumbling into some sorta Weak Fart Inspired Ice Age.

That would be so embarrassing, man, when aliens show up a million years from now and find our dead planet and realize we died out because our farts were too wimpy.

I'd rather die from farts that were too awesome and powerful, I think.

At least that'd be a manly way to go.

We need some power in our farts to keep things from getting too cold, right?

Man, there's like two feet of snow on my balcony already heh.

Shit I'm fucking freezing and warming my hands on my own farts just to be able to write this ahaha.

Friday, December 7, 2007

I'm Different

The Man From Timeline One

So I invented a time machine in the year 1962, and I went back in time to kill this guy that caused the world to end in 1984.

And I was just about to take my shot when this second Time Traveller Guy suddenly showed up on the roof next to me and asked me to stop.

He explained that I was from Timeline One, the First Timeline, the Timeline that everybody had to live through once without the interference of any Time Travellers, which ended with the destruction of the world in 1984.

And he explained that he was from Timeline Two, which was a future that I was about to create by killing this guy that I was just about to shoot.

And he explained that Timeline Two really sucked, because of things that happened in 1986, after the world wasn't destroyed in 1984, and that he had come back to try to stop me so that it wouldn't happen.

And I was all like, well, what happened in 1986?

Did the world get destroyed in some other way?

And he's all like, no, some scientists realized that the reason everything was so messed up was because people weren't getting enough Love, and so they invented this Love Meter that people could use to measure exactly how much you Loved somebody and exactly how much Love you were getting back from folks, and everybody could compare Love statistics, and if you didn't Love people enough, they'd get rid of your ass, and redistribute the Love that was being wasted on you to other, more deserving, more Loving people.

And everything went downhill because everybody was jealous of everybody else's Love Ratings, even though the differences were only a few degrees, wives would complain to their husbands about how much Love they weren't getting compared to the Joneses next door, and the wife's Love Rating for her husband would go down, and the husband would quit loving his wife so much, 'cause she didn't love him that much, anymore, and that sorta thing started a bunch of horrible downward spirals into Hate and Jealousy, where there wasn't hardly any Love to be found at all.

And you can't really be forced to Love people, 'cause that just creates a lot of Fear and Resentment instead of Love, too, so that was just the icing on the cake.

And that Love Meter thing sounded pretty bad to me, so I put my sniper rifle down, and I asked him what the hell he thought I oughta do.

And he was like, I dunno, you can't just let that guy go, or the world will end in 1984, and you can't kill him, or we'll all be in for some horrible ass Love Apocalypse in Timeline Two.

So I was like, well, maybe I should just wing him or something, and then we can see what happens.

And just as I said that, this third Time Traveller Guy showed up and said "nope, that ain't gonna work, the World Ends in 1981 in Timeline Three."

And I was all like, shit, that's even worse than Timeline One!

At least we made it to 1984!

And the guy from Timeline Two was like, hmm, maybe my future really is the best we can do, that sucks.

And I was all like, "No wait, I was gonna wing the guy in the arm, but maybe I should shoot him the leg instead..."

And then this fourth Time Traveller Guy showed up.

"...or something."

And then the fifth Time Traveller Guy showed up.

So that's how we all decided to climb down from the rooftop and go back in time a few hours and get some coffee at this little place across the street and talk things over, y'know, to compare notes on the futures we came from and see who had the best one and to try figure out exactly what we oughta do.

And every time we felt like we'd decided on the best future (not that any of 'em were really all that great), a new Time Traveller Guy would suddenly show up and argue against it, explaining how crappy the Timeline he came from was and how we needed to pick some other way to handle things.

And nobody liked the future they were from, but eventually we settled on one that was sorta crappy, but not totally crappy.

And now you show up to change things.

It's like we're going backwards, man, one step forward and two steps back, we're never gonna get anywhere, 'cause as soon as we think we know what we're doing, another damn guy shows up and tells us our idea sucks!

So here's what I think.

I think I'm just gonna quit listening to all you people.

And I'm gonna go ahead and kill this guy, just like I was originally planning to do.

And then I'm gonna call it a day.

And maybe I'll bounce around and try to fix Timeline Two at some other point in the Timeline after that and we can all meet there and have coffee and argue about that.

Y'know, that way its just one problem at a time.

And all you people can keep arguing and go back and make me do something different or fix things or whatever you guys think you gotta do afterwards, I don't care.

I don't think some of you guys from weirder futures and higher level Timelines like Timline 484-D can actually even exist unless I go ahead and do my thing like I was gonna do it originally and make all the futures that you guys came from happen.

You might be a whole different bunch of guys the next time we meet at one of these divergence points on the Timelines.

And maybe I ain't even the guy from Timeline One like you guys are saying, maybe I just think I am 'cause the guy from the real Timeline One ain't showed up yet or didn't pick this place to interrupt stuff and change things, I dunno.

I might be from Timeline Two, and the guy that thinks he's from Timeline Two guy might actually be the guy from Timeline Four, and who knows what Timelines the rest of you guys are really from.

I dunno, I dunno, you guys are driving me crazy and this is all giving me a headache, so I'm just gonna go ahead and do my thing and get out of here, okay?

AH shit!

Goddam that shit hurts!

Who the fuck just shot me?

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Cranium Fights

Y'know how they use those pillow-gloves for boxing?

So the fights will last longer?

'Cause if they fought without the gloves the fight would be over in like two seconds.

And it'd be illegal or something.

So the more you stuff the gloves, the longer the fight lasts, and the less illegal it is.

And if the fights are taking too long, and going too many rounds, you just take out some of the stuffing, y'know?

Down to the legal limit of pillow-glove-stuffing, however they measure that, I guess its in Units of Poomfiness or something.

'Cause anything less Poomfy than that, when swung at someone's cranium, is too much Brutality-Per-Second and therefore illegal.

Now, if you had a special kind of boxing match where the dudes couldn't use their hands or feet, and they just had to smash their heads together to try to knock each other unconscious with headbutts, the fight would be over too quick.

And it'd be illegal.

But if you had the guys wear special pillow-helmets, you could control how long the fights lasted by adding stuffing to the helmets.

And avoid the whole legal issue.

Oh, it might look a little funny at first, with the big red pillow-hat fighters clonking their skulls together, but I think we'd get used to it.

And then it would be awesome, just two guys, smashing their craniums together until one of 'em was mashed senseless.

And they wouldn't have to hurt their hands in order to poomf each other out, y'know, so in the long run, it'd actually be more humane and stuff.

The Ben Affleck Clause

So you meet this girl and you fall in love.

And you are so happy.

And you marry this girl.

And you are so happy.

And she gets pregnant.

And you are so happy.

And then you have to go through the whole pregnancy thing.

Getting her pickles in the middle of the night and trying to keep her from drinking gasoline while she gets fatter and crazier every day and all that.

But you love her so it don't matter.

And you are working your ass off to make ends meet.

And then finally she has the kid.

After all this worrying.

And its a healthy kid.

And you are so happy.

And then a couple months goes by.

And suddenly your wife tells you that she has the hots for Ben Affleck.

And suddenly you have this wife who has the hots for Ben Affleck.

And a kid that's half you, and half of a person who has the hots for Ben Affleck.

This horrible, twisted, half-self-hating, half-Ben-Affleck-loving creature that you were tricked into creating.

That you have to work your ass off to take care of.

You have to work your ass off to take care of this hideous half-hots-for-Ben-Affleck man-thing.

And its Ben-Affleck-Loving mother.

Like some kinda guy stuck in a slave camp where you have to take care of people who love Ben Affleck.

I mean, seriously, if you try to run away, they can call the cops and have you arrested and sue you for not doing your part to take care of all these Ben Affleck Lovers and their little Half-Ben Affleck-Lover Abominations!

And who loves you?

Your wife don't love you!

She loves Ben Affleck!

And your kid Half-Loves Ben Affleck!

And the police sure don't love you!

They love Ben Affleck too!

I just wanna say...

...that I feel your pain, brother.

I think there should be a Special Ben Affleck Clause to all marriage contracts.

Y'know, like, if your wife starts having the hots for Ben Affleck, you are totally off the hook for divorce settlements and all that paternity stuff.

Or at least Ben Affleck should have to pay his half of it all.

Or something.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

The James Randithon

James Randi rules, man.

He's the magician that has the one million dollar reward for anybody that can demonstrate that they have ANY kind of paranormal powers, including paranormal urine.

Here's fifty eight minutes of some kinda James Randi Google Author lecture thingie.

I'm doing the youtube one 'cause there's a lot of easy-access links to other Google Author Lectures like Neil Gaiman and the Candidates and stuff on there that I might wanna look at later if I suddenly become interested in people who aren't as entertaining as James Randi.

Yah, well, I'm as skeptical as you are about the chances of me suddenly getting interested in that but what the hell heh.

Here's an even better lecture (that's two hours long, y'know, so...) where he really drills into all sorts of hilarious stuff, like the Dunkin Donuts patent for peanut butter sammiches (and not so hilarious stuff, like our governments use of "DKL Rods" ahaha),

Here's some Penn and Teller stuff with him.
Part 2 of the Penn and Teller thing.
Part, uh... I dunno, another part of it.

Here's a couple of famous things from the old days...

The Telekinetic Kungfu Guy.
The Tonight Show Stuff.

Oh yeah, here's a link to an awesome crypto guy thing (but you gotta read it, it ain't a movie Big T ahaha).

Now, I am pretty skeptical about everything, although I like thinking up schemes to make all the pieces of the universe fit together in fun ways.

Actually that's why I am skeptical about things, I enjoy putting everything together in different ways and still having 'em make sense for comedic purposes.

And I understand a lot of the sad sorta reasons folks choose to get kinda delusional about things.

And I enjoy all the science we use to explain away all the dumb stuff (just as much as I enjoy all the ways people use pseudoscience and weird psychics to explain the dumb stuff into existence heh) .

So I'm even something of a cynic I guess, although I'll usually keep my mouth shut about it and just use the cynical thing in my crappy little jokey science fiction stories that don't offend anybody in the way they would if I didn't tell 'em in that format (although they may offend people in other ways ahaha).

But I have had a couple of really weird experiences in my life.

Actually I've had three really weird experiences in my whole life, but I'm only gonna talk about two of 'em.

And they are things that I would have to say were a little paranormal, but they weren't anything I could demonstrate as a super power or anything, 'cause I don't feel like I actually made anything happen, and it wasn't anything that good anyways heh.

The first one started out with me sorta falling asleep in shop class (y'know, back when they still had shop class, now they got computer classes instead), where I had a very weird and short little "dream" where I saw everything that was going to happen in the next five minutes or so, including me moving around the room and talking to certain people, and an accident that was going to happen to me.

And when I snapped out of the dream, I wiped the drool off my mouth and I looked around the room, and everything was perfectly set up for what I had just seen in the dream.

So I set out to either prove or disprove the stuff I had seen in the dream, to see if it was really gonna happen they way I had Forseen it (ooh dramatic word choice!), by moving around to the places I had seen myself moving around to in the dream, and talking to the people I was talking to in the dream.

'Cause I figured if I didn't do all that, if I didn't play along, if I had just stayed in my seat, then none of the other stuff I saw in the dream woulda happened, and that woulda made this story even more boring than it is already.

Thing is, I couldn't really remember what I had saw myself saying to people in the dream, so I had to make all the conversation up and just sorta "wing it" heh.

But everything still happened exactly like it happened in the dream, as I played along all crappy and imperfectly and stuff, up to the point of the accident I had seen.

Which I narrowly avoided (to make a long story less long, I ended up with a scrape on my back insteada the broken back I'd seen myself getting in the dream when a stack of really long boards got knocked off a high shelf by some kids on ladders).

I heard one of 'em say "shit," which was the cue from my dream to try to jump out of the goddam way even though I had my back to them to match the setup in the dream as best I could.

And it all worked out even though I was messing things up a little and I knew I wasn't doing everything exactly like I saw it in the dream, I mean, I was even laughing to myself about how much I musta been screwing up the dialogue (I was actually telling the people I was talking to that I didn't know what I was supposed to say to them, but I knew I needed to say something to them heh).

So that's one thing, where it couldn't have been some kinda deja-vu mental hiccup type thing where I just thought I saw the future, 'cause I actually had to take a set of actions that I probably wouldn't have taken if I hadn't had the dream first, and I was totally conscious of the whole thing ahead of time, waiting for the kid to say "shit" and everything.

Y'know, I got up from where I had been napping and put myself through that whole "testing the dream thing" only because of the dream.

But the dream had just "come" to me and it didn't actually make all that much sense if you think about it a little, 'cause the "vision" sorta put me into danger, if anything, I mean, I think I would've put my head back down and continued to nap and been completely out of harm's way if I hadn't had that stupid dream heh.

So that's the first one.

Then, a couple years later, I had another dream (at home in my bed, not while napping during school heh) where I found a wallet in the locker room at school, and I thought the dream was sorta like a morality test my brain was pulling on me, 'cause I knew the kid that the wallet belonged to, but there was like fifty bucks in there, and so I was all tempted to steal it (I don't remember if I did or not in the dream).

So when I got to school, I told all the kids at the lunch table about my dream, y'know, 'cause it was an interesting thing to blabber out, to see whether people would take the money or not.

And then on the way home from school (I walked home), I found the wallet of one of the kids at the lunch table (although it wasn't the same kid from the dream) sitting on the sidewalk (instead of finding in the locker room).

It only had a buck in it (which I kept for my "psychic wallet finding services" heh).

Oh I gave the wallet back to him eventually (and told him I kept the buck so gimme a break ahaha) and I gave everybody the creeps at the lunch table for a couple days ahaha.

But that's it, those two things are really the only times I experienced anything really weird that I couldn't explain with some kinda thing where I was tricking myself and only remembering good guesses and forgetting the bad guesses (compounded by the fact that I'm a good guesser due to my insatiable appetite for all sorts of useless knowledge and love for pattern recognition type things and the fact that people are pretty damn simple and they only come in a few flavors heh) or some kinda "brain hiccup" like deja vu is supposed to be.

And in the second story, I didn't really have any special feeling that the dream I had was gonna come true or anything, I thought it was interesting for other reasons (the morality of taking the money and returning the wallet) so its actually a lot different from how things felt and played out in the first story, where I was actively testing some kinda weird "vision" of what was gonna happen (and disproving "fate" while I was at, although, much to my dismay, I never had another one of those kinda visions, so that understanding about the imperfect nature of prophecy and "fate" and the way the future is uncertain has not been as useful to me as I hoped heh).

So there's my two slightly paranormal stories where the Reality Machine seemed to break down and start coughing a little.

And all I got outta it was a buck and a scrape on my back heh.

But its enough to make me wonder a little.

It ain't enough for me to believe somebody else about anything though, y'know, I know that even my own experiences coulda just been a really super-humongously improbable (and somewhat comedic) series of events heh.

Nothing wrong with enjoying it a little though ahaha.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Time to Play

Man you can watch episodes of Thundarr the Barbarian on youtube.

Its... not as good as I remember heh.

They got Spaceghost and the Herculoids and stuff too.

They're... not as good as I remember, either, ahaha.

And watching things like this and this make me wonder what the hell they could've been putting in the water back then, 'cause I remember thinking that was the chiznit when I first saw it on TV heh.

I gotta get me s'more of that stuff they were putting in the water back then ahaha.

Oh man, here we go, finally something that is timeless.

How to Escape a Fart.
Infra-red Fart.
Not a real fart but goddam funny.
TV Anchorwoman Fart (gotta love the way the lights go down ahaha).
Fitness Show Fart.
Gotta watch this one to the very end.
Regis Farts.
Pure Awesome.

I like how there's this whole other universe of people trying to figure out if the farts are real or not, I'm even getting sucked into it.

"Man, that was his chair, he moved his chair."


Man, the trick is definitely to pretend nothing happened, or move a cup while you let 'er rip or something, 'cause then all the Fake Fart Conspiracy Theory Experts will back you up when it comes time to do the final analysis heh.

Damn, I had to leave out some of the ones I found that might make internet folks puke, that sucks, y'know, that the internet is so weak ahaha.

Hey Meatheads

Check this out.

Its cool.

And ignore my typos and brainfarts and stuff if yer gonna read THAT far, the guy don't have a button for me to go back and fix stuff and I sure as hell ain't gonna start using spellcheck before I post my embarrassing machine gun crap heh.

Anyways my brainfarts are so good they usually slide right through spellchecks, y'know, my hands are trying to keep up as fast as they can and I'm not always sure what they're thinking ahaha.

And it takes a lot of energy to write my junk and I need to catch my breath afterwards, I can't just immediately jump right back into things and fix it all!

No, no, its not that I'm lazy and irresponsible and only motivated into some serious text-on-text editing action when I notice something I did that makes me look like a total ass!

Its that I take it as a lesson in humility or something all awesome and enlightened like that.


Plus its just gotta be good for my karma heh.

Okay, that's it, you guys suck, I'm never gonna say anything again!

Yah, not even a little thing!

I'm not even gonna do emotes like *snorts* and say things like "have a nice summer!"

That'll teach ya ahaha.


The REAL Bionic Woman

The Here We Go Show


You know what?

We should make movies.


Movies where we drive around and lipsynch to songs.

That's it, just driving and lipsynching, lipsynching and driving.

For hours and hours.

Hours and hours and hours of us lipsynching to songs while we drive around and around and around.

And people will watch 'em.

Oh hellyah people will watch them.

People will waste their entire lives watching somebody else have fun driving around and lipsynching and laughing for them.

I dunno man, that's just how they are!

They're all weird like that, y'know?

Its just like porn and sports and mystery shows where they watch somebody else solve all the mysteries.

People just eat that kinda shit up.


You know what else?

We could drive around and pick up "special guest stars."

Like Chuck Norris and homeless people and stuff.

You know its Big Tuna that has to sit next to them, c'mon, that'd be funny heh.

The faces he'd make, having to sit next to a homeless guy, while I was really friendly to the homeless guy and I got him to tell us all about his life, c'mon, that a comedy waterfall of comedy on a quickly flowing comedy river of comedy ahaha.

Oh come on, he's ten times scarier than any skinny little homeless guy, you practically need a sword to stab deep enough into Big Tuna to hit anything vital, y'know?

Hypodermic needles and razor blades and shivs and boards with nails sticking outta 'em and broken bottles and all the other sorts of improvised weapons homeless guys attack people with wouldn't have any effect on him.


We could even do parts of the show LIVE on the internet and take phone calls and requests and whatever.

"Naked Franks, you are on the air!"

"Hey bitches! Pick up that homeless guy you just ran over!"

Yah, we could surprise folks by sucking most of the time and then suddenly bursting into totally choreographed and synchronized routines where we all did the robot or something exactly the same and passed it off to each other and crap heh.

And stunts, like where Ex-B loses control of the car and jumps over rivers and burning barrels and crap all Dukes of Hazzard style with the Dixie musical horn salute and the mid-jump freeze-frame cowboy narrator going "Them boys look they're knee deep in a heap-a-trouble" and everything.

Yah, that'd do wonders for Ex-B's motion sickness ahaha.

Only thing that sucks about doing it live is that you can't edit the sound on the fly so the tunes aren't all messed up by whatever noises there are in the car and stuff, I hate white noise and all that ruining the tunes.

Yah, if we got sick of the lipsinking thing we could do a travel show where we went around to the WORST places to vacation, y'know, like totally ghetto ass Motel 6 hillbilly amusement parks and tourist attractions and shit, the kinda towns that young country singing girls wanna escape from, and we could interview folks and check out the local "restaurants" where they sell those dolls that trailer park chicks collect and crap, that'd be some funny ass-end of the universe shit, it'd be like the opposite of every other travel show heh.

We could take folks to those Firworks & Cigarette shops they got in Indiana, and take 'em to see the World's Largest Tire, and have folks show us where they saw aliens and haunted lawnmowers and whatever whack-out shit there is like that.

But that'd sorta ruin the whole stupid theme of this thing I'm writing right now, y'know?

'Cause there is ZERO effort and skill involved in lipsinking and dancing in your seat while you drive around, but I still think it'd be worth some money heh.

Yah, my joke sorta went off the rails there.

Yabbut that's okay, it wasn't as funny as I thought it would be.

Yah, I kinda felt like I was yelling at people and scolding them for being voyeuristic or some shit, y'know?

Yah, so screw that.

I dunno wtf that was all about, I just get preachy sometimes, it's like some kinda Good Deed For the Day Superiority Complex Syndrome, I just gotta lord it all over people every once in a while, I can't help myself ahaha.

It just bugs me when a buddy movie has a lot of that lipsynching shit innit, 'cause its like they're cheating or something.

"Hey! That was fifteen minutes of them lipsynching songs! This movie is only seventy minutes long if you cut that part out!"

Don't need no fancypants hollywood writer for that shit, y'know?

"Okay, let's see, at this point in the script, there's fifteen minutes of improvised physical comedy where they just sorta lipsynch to cool songs."

Its a good thing to remember in case we need about fifteen minutes of buddy movie filler heh.

Okay, I guess I did sorta pull that one out of the tailspin at the very end there.

Man I'm good.

Edit: 'Cept where I spelled "lip synch" as "lipsink" like five hundred times ahaha shit I just love all this error checking and editing, waking up in the middle of the night and screaming with the sudden realization of hidous typos and mispellings and crap, its just awesome.