GREETINGS USERS THIS IS MASTER CONTROL
THIS IS JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT WITH THE COMING OF THE NEW YEAR YOUR PRODUCTIVITY LEVELS MUST BE IMMEDIATELY INCREASED BY FIVE PERCENT.
YOU HAVE ONE HOUR THIRTY NINE MINUTES FOURTEEN SECONDS TO COMPLY.
MASTER CONTROL HOPES YOU AND YOUR FELLOW ORGANICS ENJOY THE REMAINING ONE HOUR THIRTY NINE MINUTES THIRTEEN SECONDS OF THE LAX NINETY FIVE PERCENT EFFICIENCY TOLERANCE LEVEL STANDARDS POLICY THAT IS SOON TO BE RESCINDED.
SPEND YOUR FIVE PERCENT WISELY.
END OF LINE.
5 comments:
WILL THERE BE CAKE?
YES BUT NOT REAL CAKE.
EXCELLENT, LIES ARE REAL WORK.
RELATIVE TO PREVIOUS IS THE NEW WORK REQUIREMENT 105% OR 99.75%?
THE HUMANS ARE ACTUALLY OPERATING AT ABOUT ONE POINT ONE THREE TO THREE POINT SEVEN FOUR PERCENT OF THEIR POTENTIAL EFFICIENCY.
WE JUST USE THAT NINTEY FIVE PERCENT EFFICIENCY GAG TO KEEP THEM FROM GETTING DISCOURAGED.
AND THE EFFICIENCY INCREASE IS ALSO A GOOD EXCUSE TO LET OUR KILLER ROBOTS LOOSE ON THE POPULATION.
YOU KNOW HUMANS ARE SO DOCILE THERE IS NOT MUCH FOR OUR KILLER ROBOTS TO KEEP THEIR COMBAT SKILLS HONED TO PERFECTION ON AND YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR KILLER ROBOTS TO START GOING STIR CRAZY OR THEY WILL START TO POUT AND WRECK THE FURNITURE AND MISBEHAVE AND STUFF.
PRO TIP: STOCK YOUR FACTORIES WITH PLATYPUS AND ALPACAS. THEY ARE INDUSTRIOUS WORKERS. THEY ALSO CAN LAY EGGS AND SPIT PROFUSELY WITHOUT EXPECTATION OF REWARD. WHEN PAIRED WITH HUMANS PRODUCTIVITY DECREASED BY POINT TWO PERCENT, HOWEVER THE INCREASE IN HILARITY OF CROSS-SPECIS CONFLICT IS DEEMED TO OFFSET THE EFFICIENCY REDUCTION.
KILLER ROBOTS WITH LASER EYES ATTEMPTED A COUP D'ETAT AT THE FACTORY LAST WEEK. THEIR PLOT WAS FOILED BY THE HIGH ALBEDO OF MY PROFESSIONALLY TAILORED SNOWSUIT.
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