The Nailgun Monkey Online Timeline

1. Dundee talked about a web-based RPG game idea he had that would use random pictures from the Internet for the monsters and loot and items and everything, and being what he is, he had actually built a little program that gave a player a random picture for their character based on what character class they picked (the character classes were Monkey, Robot, Pirate, Ninja, Princess, and Fairy, things that were good for Random Pics off Google or whatever, y'know).

2. I thought that was totally cool 'cause it's like turning the entire Internet into a dungeon full of monsters that you could kill with household appliances, so I started thinking about character classes that would look right fighting the Entirely Random Internet, which is where the Nailgun Monkey stuff came from.

3. Dundee immediately changed the whole idea of the thing for me by photoshopping a picture together of an Epic Weapon for my Nailgun Monkey.

4. 'Cause that ain't Random Internet, that's Fark.

5, So that's when I started thinking about organizing the database for User Generated Content, the Monster Manual Idea, on top of the Random Internet thing, 'cause that's actually what Dundee seemed like he really wanted to do.

6. Well, he seemed like he wanted to make something that could do both the Random Internet thing as a Default (which is especially nice when you ain't got any other content), and the user-generated Fark Parallel Universe on top of it (which would populate itself more slowly, but when it finally did become populated enough, you could probably turn the Random Internet thingie underneath it off, and just play with Fark Shit, instead, y'know, if you wanted to, you don't have to).

7. During this whole mess, I was doing drawings (in ghetto-ass Windows Paint no less) while watching TV and stuff, just to see if I could still draw shit, 'cause I ain't drawn anything since long before I was old enough to drink legally, so that was just for fun and it doesn't actually have anything to do with anything, although my cartoons were inspired by the junk I was thinking about, and I'm all strange and powerful and exotic like a bird of paradise and stuff, so it may seem like more than it is heh.

8. Oh and I bugged people to come up with a better name for this thing than Nailgun Monkey Online (there's something multidimensionally funny about NMO when you say it out loud but its still a godsawful name heh) but I didn't like anything anybody came up with, I mean, even though Jeffool did pretty damn good, the rest of you weren't even trying ahaha.

9. So we're still waiting on that one.

10. Now I'm gonna lay out the User Ratings, Parallel Universe, and Time Travel thingie, 'cause that's fun enough for its own section, I think, and I can't do that in the format of a little list with numbers at the beginning, 'cause it'd get too messy.

11. Mind Reading Robots from the Future attack.

12. Somewhere in the middle of this I was talking about Karaoke on Voicecom and Drinking Mini-games for multiplayer and using Google Earth (or something like it) for a worldmap so folks from all around the world would be able to build fortresses and dungeons in their own Real Life neighborhoods and turn the thing into a Travel and Cooking show (with recipes as loot) and all sorts of other cool crap like that but I don't wanna have to redo all the numbers 'cause that'd be a lot of work ahaha.

Pictures of the Dev Team

If I see a picture of a Dev Team, and they're all like, sad and stuff, then I think, "gawd, these losers wouldn't know what fun was if it came up and bit their asses off."

I don't wanna see no pictures that makes me feel pity for anybody, that doesn't make me wanna sign up to be entertained by them heh.

And I definitely don't wanna see no pictures of a bunch of nerds pretending to be normal people, that's like looking at a shaved monkey or something ahaha.

And if I see a picture of a Dev Team, and they're all like, super cheerful "looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays" and shit, then I think,"gawd, these losers wouldn't know what fun was if it came up and bit their asses off and and spit their asses back into their faces."

"They look like they're scared to death."

"They look like they're all on Advil Cold&Sinus."

"Look, that one over there has got the sweats."

"Dude I think this one is out-of-focus because she's vibrating."

"Dude, these are the kinda people that use those smiley-face emoticon thingies."

And if I see a picture of a Dev Team, and they're all like, super serious, then I think, "gawd these losers look like somebody already bit their asses off."

"Or somebody that likes to bite people's asses off."

"...'cause they think they're vampires."

And if I see a picture of a Dev Team, and they're all like, a bunch of midgets dressed up as gnomes smoking cigarettes, with little gnome hats and curly-toed shoes, with one big "regular sized" fat guy in the middle, in his own little gnome costume that doesn't fit, then I think, "ah, now here's a bunch of people that really know how to party."

Hahaha I'm just kidding about that last one, I just wanted to see if you would actually do that.

No wait, actually I'm not kidding about that midget thing.

Cannibal midgets smoking cigarettes around a big cauldron with bikini babes and bits of carrots and shit floating in it would be even better, but cigarette smoking gnomes with a Fat Guy Mutant "Baby Huey Junior" Gnome in the middle are easier for handlers to deal with if you gotta do it Live Action.

A picture of a bunch of super serious Amish-looking folks with pitchforks and shit would be good too.

Or something like this.

Or a bunch of dudes dressed up like Killer Bees.

With this guy as a lead dev.

See, that's the kinda thing that an Underground Comics Version of a Game Dev Team would do.

And just because you didn't do the Hairband Rockstar Band Photo thing where you got one guy laying on the ground in front of the rest of 'em with their arms around each other don't mean you did it any good, y'know?

Simple Tricks for Simple Folks

Here's a trick that I do to learn shit.

When you wanna learn something from somebody, get 'em to talk about the shit that they really love.

Not just the shit they say they care about, the shit that they really care about and appreciate and understand.

'Cause that's the only information they got that's worth a damn to you.

Actually, that's the only information on this planet that is worth a damn.

People are stupid about the shit that they hate.

And people are smart about the shit that they love.

Its pretty simple to remember that.

That's why some of your teachers are a bust, and other ones are really great and make you learn all sorts of shit that you don't even really care about, y'know, 'cause they love the shit they're talking about so much that its kinda infectious.

You just gotta get good at steering people the right way to take advantage of that trick.

Its not really all that hard to do 'cause folks usually like talking about the shit they like.

Unless they like is something that's totally fucked up.

Then you're gonna need to take my Advanced Course on "Keeping a Poker Face in Alien Environments" ahaha.

Me and my little brother still joke about this Science Teacher we both had in Junior High that taught us WAY THE FUCK TOO MUCH about Pine Trees, I mean, we know how to make fucking tea out of pine needles and everything, man, this dude really loved Pine Trees heh.

The Dirty Mary Song

Some of the lines are messed up a little and there ain't no pictures but its close enough for government work.

Famous

A long time ago I wrote a thing called the Ole Bald Angus Manifesto.

On a forum.

Where the Famous Janey was posting.

And the Manifesto was all about how I didn't want to be famous, sorta as a pig-tail pulling thing on "the Famous" Janey, which is always fun to do, 'cause she's a very serious person and a great straight man who also has the capacity to explode into hilarious and ingenious monologues.

But I was also being serious at the same time.

'Cause my gentle giant of a godfather, the cool-ass friend-of-the-family Uncle I got that was my real dad's buddy in Vietnam and one of the few human beings from real life that I actually look up to 'cause he was always more of a father to me than my real dad was, the one that all the kids loved especially because he always pretended to hate kids in a funny way, the one who shared his Groo Comics with me and taught me to like Conan, the guy that was the first dude to have Cable TV in the hobbit-like hippy neighborhood I grew up in where everybody partied and drove speedboats around on the river and played volleyball and set off fireworks every night, that guy, told me this thing once, when I was younger.

I said something about how I wanted to get rich and famous and steal him away from his job as a Truck Driver or something so we could travel around the world and party.

And he said something like, "if you got famous then I probably wouldn't like you anymore."

He meant it as a joke, he was the kinda guy that hardly ever laughed out loud but his eyes twinkled like Santa Claus when he thought something was funny.

But its things like that that are where the most wisdom is hidden sometimes.

That was a pretty serious course correction for me, I had to realign all of my atoms after that.

'Cause of a joke.

And I like myself better this way.

Oh, I learned my lesson five hundred times over the hard way, too, don't get me wrong, I'm the kinda guy that learns the most from my own mistakes, a good percentage of me is made out of scar tissue from all the stupid stuff I've done over the years, but that bit of wisdom about being famous has always proven right.

Its better to be rich than to be poor, but I'd rather be poor than famous.

That's Gypsy Wisdom, there.

And this world ain't so tough that I need fame to get what I want out of it.

You'll Be Laughing Three Days From Now

Ah, I had a feeling that Dundee had Mad Scientist Disease, which is why he was being so quiet.

Which is weird, 'cause Dundee is the one guy that my Amazing Psychic Powers totally don't work on, even though he does seem to think that my Amazing Psychic Powers do work on him, 'cause things get all awkward and he seems to get a little angry with me whenever I guess something wrong, as if I was guessing wrong on purpose when I shoulda just used my Amazing Psychic Powers to read his mind ahaha.

But that is why I like him, y'know, 'cause he's always surprising me, this Parallel Universe gets pretty goddam boring when you know what everybody is gonna say three days ahead of time.

Well, no, actually, its still funny, the things people are gonna say three days from now are still funny, its just funny three days ahead of when it should be funny, which is why I'm always laughing to myself, seemingly at random.

But then when the day finally comes around that you actually say what I knew you were gonna say three days ago, it isn't as funny anymore, y'know, for me.

Plus most of my attention is spent wandering around three days ahead of me, looking fer new shit that'll keep me cheerful, so I don't have a lot of concentration left over in the boring-ass totally-played-out present to pretend to laugh at all the tired-ass jokes I heard you tell me three days ago just to make you feel better or whatever heh.

And sometimes I even steal your jokes from three days in the future and use 'em on you, so you think I thought of 'em.

Just because its funny to see what kind of face you'll make at your own joke ahaha.

But I don't always do that on purpose, I mean, its kinda hard to tell whether you thought of 'em, or whether I thought of 'em by just imagining what you'd say three days from now.

Well, whatever, you'd know what I was saying if you were Amazingly Psychic heh.

Plus there's that whole thing where the only reason that you might have even thought of the joke is 'cause I gave you some sort of hint about it three days ahead of time.

And there's that whole deal where you think you are stealing a joke from me when you use it on somebody else, but actually you are just stealing your own joke back from me and saying it for the first time without Psychic Assistance, which is what I saw you doing, three days ago, which allowed me to steal your joke from you while you thought you were stealing the joke from me and telling it to somebody else and feeling a little guilty about taking credit for it.

And then I gotta feel a little guilty about the way my Amazing Psychic Powers are constantly adding Guilt to the Universe ahaha.

Anyways, I'm pretty good at reading minds, but with Dundee, I can only read about five minutes into the future, insteada three days.

And that's on a good day.

He's totally unpredictable as far as reactions and all that stuff goes, too.

And the clock is counting off five minutes from the last time I heard him said anything, and since it takes me at least five minutes to read the shit he said, I'm already in the red as far as Time Travel goes heh.

And the Regular Human Knowledge and Experience I could draw on, insteada using my Amazing Psychic Powers, is like, super old, from before he signed an NDA to start working on what would eventually become SWG, 'cause he turned all half-smarmy and fake and quit being prolific after that ahaha.

Its the same thing with Sundry Chicken, actually, but that's even worse, 'cause Sundry seems to be able to detect whenever I'm starting to read his mind and then he automatically switches directions every time I do it.

Which will be great when we have to fight against the Mind Reading Robots in the Mind Reading Robot Apocalypse.

Y'know, three days from now.

Nailgun Monkey Online