Friday, February 29, 2008


So all the galaxies in space are actually accelerating as they move away from each other.

That is pretty damn weird.

Well, if we ain't totally messed something up.

'Cause there's at least two good reasons I can think of for that happening besides the idea that the building blocks of empty space between the galaxies are multiplying, y'know like that Dark Energy slash Cosmic Constant thingie they're talking about.

Actually now I'm up to four or five other ways of explaining it, thinking of things that behave like that on Earth, or things that seem to behave like that on Earth.

But they're all really, really weird, and they involved curved space and lensing and the nature of the gun or whatever that created the Big Bang (that may still be firing) and crap, and I got the stomach flu, so to hell with that shit.

Y'know, at first all the burping and farting with the stomach flu was kinda funny, and it made me laugh, but after a few days of it now, I've had to start taking each fart and burp more serious or something heh.

Like, now that its all medical and surgicial and scientific and shit the fun is gone baby ahaha.

Saturday Nights Alright

So this flying saucer landed in the back yard and a big ole beam of white light came shining down outta their spaceship and lit the whole place up and a buncha these big headed skinny little aliens stepped out.

And all-a-sudden the crickets started chirping like crazy and trees started rustling and these flies and bugs and snakes and squirrels came out of nowhere and started swarming around and a-biting on them aliens and the aliens started sneezing and then my dog started going crazy and attacking the poor things and tearing 'em up and I hardly had time to finish sayin' "ho-lee sheeit" before they was all dead and gone.

Wasn't even any bones left.

There was nothing I could do it all happened so fast and it was all so crazy looking, and then the spaceship sped away and everything just went back to normal, I think even the plants were grabbing on to their legs and stuff, I never seen nothing like it before.

Was sorta like the whole animal kingdom rose up on its double helix and whupped some alien ass.

Anyways I think its kinda weird and a little scary that we're so into looking for alien life out there, y'know?

'Cause sure seems like we ain't interested in finding happy little green photosynthetic boogers and self-sufficient microbes that are minding their own business and not bothering nobody and stuff, we wanna find ourselves some complex organisms, y'know, things like us, and that means we're actually looking for predators with big ole calorie-consuming brains.

And we sure don't seem to be too worried that they're gonna be able to put up much of a fight when we start pushing 'em around neither.

We're like a bunch of drunken hillbillies in one of them dangerous let-me-attem moods or something heh.

Guess that's just the branch of the family tree we're from talking, y'know, top-of-the-food-chain is prolly hard-wired to be at least a little fearless and stupid, since everything else is sorta vestigial at this point, carnivorous apes will be carnivorous apes and all that.

But then again, we usually think the woods is a peaceful and serene place, like that fool Walden, when actually all the plants and trees and everyting else is just endlessly strangling and poisoning and chewing and burning each other to death over resources silently and in slow motion.

See, this is why Stevie gets all upset with you idjits.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Little Billy Speaks

Y'know how whenever there's a kid that "won't speak" or "can't talk" in the beginning of the movie, they're gonna be talking at the end of the movie?

I mean, how many movies have that shit in there, there's gotta be like a hundred of 'em, I dunno how anybody except some dude that was kept in a little box in the basement of a pyramid for the last ten thousand years wouldn't see that coming and think that was still gonna be a surprise for the audience.

Y'know, I just wanna be there when the writer thinks he oughta put that in his script so I can see the face he makes when he fools himself into thinking that tired old shit is a good idea ahaha.

And the actors always have to act like "oh boy! little billy is talking! what a surprise! yay!"

That's gotta be so hard for them to work themselves up for, y'know, I mean, I just laugh when I see the faces they make when they gotta do that part, 'cause you know they know how pitiful and unsurprising that surprise is heh.

The whole thing is so sad for everybody involved all around really ahaha.

So let's not have any more of that, okay?

I mean, its supposed to be like the Good Ending your wrote for your movie is just so good that it can cure serious psychological problems in kids and shit, and that just totally makes it worse 'cause it isn't a good ending if you do that Little Billy Speaks Thingie, its a bad ending that would actually make Little Billy unmagically lose all hope and start hating the world and turn mute.

And you gotta wonder what all the real life mute kids would say about your stupid crap, y'know, if they weren't all mute and talking in sign language and all that serious stuff that nobody understands and shit heh.

On the other hand, its actually so bad that it might actually cure them of their muteness just so they can scream at the TV about how stupid and horrible your movie is ahaha.

I Think I Am

Hell Radio

I wonder what kind of music they play in hell.

I mean, right away, you'd probably guess that it'd be some greasy Sinatra-like almost-dancing TV evangelist church music played on a cheap casio keyboard with a built-in bosanova beat and a chorus howled out by a bunch of out-of-tune child-abusing church folks, 'cause that shit is torture.

But that'd be way too easy.

'Cause even if they played something good in hell, like say, Ice Ice Baby (haha! that's at least two levels of irony there!), or shit you'd expect, that you could desensitize yourself to ahead of time, like Rammstein, they could just keep playing it over and over and over again for all eternity until it finally started to drive you batshit crazy and made you scream your lungs into bloody rags in an attempt to drown it out for a few seconds (which wouldn't work, of course).

And instead of Vanilla Ice or Cameo, it might be some godawful hogs-ass piece of "arena" country music about broken down pickup trucks and dead pets and cheating achey breaky hearts, they wouldn't even need to repeat that kinda shit one time to get me screaming and ripping out my eyes and chewing off my own hands and stuff heh.

Yah, sure, some people actually like that stuff, or at least they say they do, but I think that just makes it worse for me, to think that some idiot in hell is actually clapping along to it and letting it harmlessly pass through his body (or whatever they got in hell insteada bodies ahaha).

Its kinda funny that no matter what kinda music you pick its gonna be torture for somebody and pleasure to somebody else, so that even the guy that gets to pick the music is gonna get some torture, y'know, 'cause I think they add a couple thousand years on to your sentence every time you make anybody suffer heh.

Yah the disc jockey is prolly sweating his ass off up there and the crowd is prolly shouting out the most harmless stuff they can think of, y'know, shit that nobody totally hates, like "play the Chicken Dance! Play something by the Village People! Anything by Little Richard! The Themesong from the Jeffersons! Put on the Spanish Radio station goddammit!" to try to help him out and shit ahaha.

'Cause you prolly get a couple thousand years of eternal suffering deducted from your sentence if you can help out the DJ, yah?

That's why we should think about this shit ahead of time, and sorta start to "power-game" the level grind in hell ahaha.

Well, actually, if you knew you were gonna get points for it, and that was the only reason you were doing it, then they prolly wouldn't give you any, 'cause that'd just be another self-serving act, on your part, really, so you gotta learn how to make yourself care about the DJ and the suffering he's causing everybody else somehow before you get sent down there too or you'll just get busted even worse, y'know.

So you better get to work on that, good thing there's still time to practice yer "caring about your brother-man" poker face shit ahaha.

And even if the music is good for you at first, by the ten millionth time you hear it, it ain't so good anymore.

I mean, even something like the Safety Dance would start to wear thin down there eventually.

That's whay I wonder what they play down there.

We've only been thinking about it for a couple seconds, but they've had a lot of time to come up with something perfect, y'know?

Its prolly that Billy Joel Piano Man song, I've heard that song so many times and its so goddam long its already Hell On Earth anytime it plays up here heh.

Or that the Day the Music Died song, omfg that's another one of those goddam things that belongs in some Stephen King story where somebody is chained to a rusted-out piece of farm equipment and getting bitten to death slowly by ants and horseflies and ghosts with black watery eyes and maggots crawling out of the bullet-holes in their faces or something ahaha.

And I wonder, if they picked something horrible to start with, and just kept playing it over and over, would I eventually start to notice little things I actually enjoyed about it, and start to like it, and sing along with it and snap my fingers to it?

And wouldn't that actually be even more horrible than the other way around, y'know, where instead of taking a song you liked and making you hate it by playing it over and over again, they took a song you hated and made you like it by playing it over and over again?

'Cause that'd be more like reaching inside you and twisting your wires around and ruining you.

Yah, that's what I think they'd do, get you snapping your fingers and smiling and bopping around to something you totally hate heh.

Well, whatever, no matter what they do its bound to beat that zombie-ass brain-melting eyes-rolling-to-the-back-of-your-head harp shit they play in heaven ahaha.

Monday, February 25, 2008

4th Best In Series

Trip the Light Fantastic

Y'know, the chick that has to dance with Fred Astaire and all them fancy pants famous dancer guys from the old day movies has to do the same moves and shit as him IN HIGH HEELS.

I'm not an expert or anything but that seems like it'd make everything an order of magnitude higher on the difficulty scale I mean shit man c'mon seriously why the hell are we even applauding for the guy in the regular shoes I shouldn't even know that fucker's name heh.

Corpse Looter

I had this dream that I was a young and dirty cowboy kid that was wandering around Cowboy Land and I got in one of those things where you gotta have a shoot-out with a guy at high noon in the middle of the street.

And I killed the guy in front of everybody, no prob, y'know, but then I ran over to his body and went through all his pockets and shit and checked out his gun and compared it to mine and it was way the hell better than mine so I took it and I took all his bullets too.

Y'know, just like you do in a MMO when you kill something.

Or just like you think people should do in the movies, after they karate chop some gunman and forget to grab his weapon like six hundred times.

But then when I looked up (in my dream) I noticed all the people in town staring at me like I was some kinda ghoul, y'know, to rob a guy after a gunfight, I guess it was like totally against Gunman Etiquette, or something.

But I was poor, man, and my gun was all rusty and crappy looking and untrustworthy, so I was like, fuck all you people, I need this lewt, baby!

Shit man they're lucky I didn't take his clothes 'cause they were way better than my shitty farmer clothes too heh.

But y'know what with the way they were all lookin' at me and shit I decided against it ahaha.


Alright lessee.

Been playing a lot of LOTRO lately, the update was about as awesome as an update could possibly be, everybody can "look" like whatever they want and wear whatever gear is the best for stats underneath, you can charge at an enemy while firing your crossbow (not such a big deal for my hunter as it is fun for my guardian even though he always misses when he does that 'cause there's a penalty for firing while yer running and my guard is a clutz to start with heh), all sorts of fun little perks for my champ and burglar (well, more for my burglar, I still play my champ the same and cant really find a use for the new stuff yet), easier factional rep stuff, easier legendary trait stuff, less group crap and more soloable stuff, guard repair bills are lower, all your characters can port to your house, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, the patch notes were like ten pages of stuff and I can't really think of a single thing I didn't like about it.

Still need more character slots, but at least helping new folks lets you get factional rep now, so there a little something to pay the big guys for helping out the little guys with quests, which is pretty smart.

Anyways the Lord of the Rings Online stuff is fun as hell and that's pretty much all I been doing that's interesting lately, didn't remember to take any pictures of Ex-B's hobbit in his pirate hat and eyepatch or my loremaster dual wielding a sword and staff with his polar bear or anything cool like that but whatever y'know I'm not a goddam gaming magazine heh.

Really can't complain though, y'know, 'cept about the character slots, and that's not really a complaint, that's more like begging for more, really, when ya think about it, y'know, 'cause people who hate your game don't need more character slots to hate it with ahaha.