Thursday, February 28, 2008

Hell Radio

I wonder what kind of music they play in hell.

I mean, right away, you'd probably guess that it'd be some greasy Sinatra-like almost-dancing TV evangelist church music played on a cheap casio keyboard with a built-in bosanova beat and a chorus howled out by a bunch of out-of-tune child-abusing church folks, 'cause that shit is torture.

But that'd be way too easy.

'Cause even if they played something good in hell, like say, Ice Ice Baby (haha! that's at least two levels of irony there!), or shit you'd expect, that you could desensitize yourself to ahead of time, like Rammstein, they could just keep playing it over and over and over again for all eternity until it finally started to drive you batshit crazy and made you scream your lungs into bloody rags in an attempt to drown it out for a few seconds (which wouldn't work, of course).

And instead of Vanilla Ice or Cameo, it might be some godawful hogs-ass piece of "arena" country music about broken down pickup trucks and dead pets and cheating achey breaky hearts, they wouldn't even need to repeat that kinda shit one time to get me screaming and ripping out my eyes and chewing off my own hands and stuff heh.

Yah, sure, some people actually like that stuff, or at least they say they do, but I think that just makes it worse for me, to think that some idiot in hell is actually clapping along to it and letting it harmlessly pass through his body (or whatever they got in hell insteada bodies ahaha).

Its kinda funny that no matter what kinda music you pick its gonna be torture for somebody and pleasure to somebody else, so that even the guy that gets to pick the music is gonna get some torture, y'know, 'cause I think they add a couple thousand years on to your sentence every time you make anybody suffer heh.

Yah the disc jockey is prolly sweating his ass off up there and the crowd is prolly shouting out the most harmless stuff they can think of, y'know, shit that nobody totally hates, like "play the Chicken Dance! Play something by the Village People! Anything by Little Richard! The Themesong from the Jeffersons! Put on the Spanish Radio station goddammit!" to try to help him out and shit ahaha.

'Cause you prolly get a couple thousand years of eternal suffering deducted from your sentence if you can help out the DJ, yah?

That's why we should think about this shit ahead of time, and sorta start to "power-game" the level grind in hell ahaha.

Well, actually, if you knew you were gonna get points for it, and that was the only reason you were doing it, then they prolly wouldn't give you any, 'cause that'd just be another self-serving act, on your part, really, so you gotta learn how to make yourself care about the DJ and the suffering he's causing everybody else somehow before you get sent down there too or you'll just get busted even worse, y'know.

So you better get to work on that, good thing there's still time to practice yer "caring about your brother-man" poker face shit ahaha.

And even if the music is good for you at first, by the ten millionth time you hear it, it ain't so good anymore.

I mean, even something like the Safety Dance would start to wear thin down there eventually.

That's whay I wonder what they play down there.

We've only been thinking about it for a couple seconds, but they've had a lot of time to come up with something perfect, y'know?

Its prolly that Billy Joel Piano Man song, I've heard that song so many times and its so goddam long its already Hell On Earth anytime it plays up here heh.

Or that the Day the Music Died song, omfg that's another one of those goddam things that belongs in some Stephen King story where somebody is chained to a rusted-out piece of farm equipment and getting bitten to death slowly by ants and horseflies and ghosts with black watery eyes and maggots crawling out of the bullet-holes in their faces or something ahaha.

And I wonder, if they picked something horrible to start with, and just kept playing it over and over, would I eventually start to notice little things I actually enjoyed about it, and start to like it, and sing along with it and snap my fingers to it?

And wouldn't that actually be even more horrible than the other way around, y'know, where instead of taking a song you liked and making you hate it by playing it over and over again, they took a song you hated and made you like it by playing it over and over again?

'Cause that'd be more like reaching inside you and twisting your wires around and ruining you.

Yah, that's what I think they'd do, get you snapping your fingers and smiling and bopping around to something you totally hate heh.

Well, whatever, no matter what they do its bound to beat that zombie-ass brain-melting eyes-rolling-to-the-back-of-your-head harp shit they play in heaven ahaha.

1 comment:

Sundry Chicken said...

Hell could make you be in the band you hate most. Like you'd be the construction worker guy in the Village People, Markey Mark, one of the Backstreet Boys or some such. You'd perform 24/7 for minions, legions and hordes of the damned. You'd rock. Like a hurricane, baby.

Karma sounds better, maybe you'd have to join the band for the next life... but then your gig would be up and you could move on instead of being forced to play on and on for eternity in the largest, most attended and wildest show of all. Course in hell maybe you and Celine Dion could perform a duet of Running with the Devil while David Lee Roth screams from the front row. How cool would that be.