Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Witty Title Number Blah Blah Blah

He couldn't handle compliments.

That was the first thing anybody ever told me about him.

That he wasn't any good with compliments.

I was saying something like, "hey wtf! why does this guy hate me so much?"

And then some good-hearted person felt bad for me and they said "oh don't worry, he's always like that, he just doesn't know how to handle compliments."

So then I said something like "so what are we supposed to do if we like something he did? Call him an asshole?"

And then I laughed at my own joke 'cause I always laugh at my own jokes even if its a really shitty old joke I mean hell man I ain't never been picky ahaha.

And then he saw me laughing and he laughed too.

Later on I saw other new people going through the same thing as me.

They'd say "hey wtf! why does this guy hate me so much?"

And then I'd get to say "oh don't worry, he's always like that, he doesn't know how to handle compliments."

And then some of 'em even did the "wtf should I call 'em an asshole?" joke.

And some of 'em even laughed at their own shit afterwards.

And then he'd laugh too.

And then I'd laugh 'cause there's some weird kinda multidimensional humor to the way the pattern keeps repeating, y'know?

Its not exactly ironic, and its not deja vu, I dunno wtf it is, but its funny.

I mean, at first you're all like, "ah, he ain't gonna laugh this time, 'cause he's heard this one before."

But that's what makes it funny to him, y'know?

That he keeps hearing this same joke over and over again.

That's why he laughs.

And that's why I laugh, 'cause he was laughing at how he keeps hearing the same joke over and over again, and that's funny.

It never occurs to anybody else to laugh because I always laugh 'cause he was laughing at how he keeps hearing the same joke over and over again, 'cause that's just way too complicated and multidimensional for humans and stuff.

Plus you need an extra guy for that.

And nobody laughs because its funny that it don't matter how funny the original asshole joke was, nobody is that smart.

But it is kinda funny to explain all this stuff to you heh.

Well, whatever, I'm easy.

Yah, nobody is ever gonna tell you "oh don't worry, he's always like that, he doesn't know how to handle compliments" about me.

'Cause we ain't all like that guy that wasn't any good with compliments, I'm totally fine with compliments, if you think I hate yer shit, then I probably do totally hate your shit, and for a good reason, too heh.

That would actually make it even funnier if you asked, "hey wtf! why do he hate me so much?" and then somebody lied and said that I wasn't good at handling compliments, even though I actually was pretty good at handling compliments and I really did hate your ass just fine ahaha.

But nobody on top of nobody is that good man, so don't worry AHAHA.

Anyways what I meant to say was thank you.

Thank you for making me laugh.

Even though I been mostly laughing at my own jokes the whole time.

Well, I prolly woulda never thought of the jokes that made me laugh if it wasn't for you.

Just kidding, I prolly woulda thought of all those jokes whether you were there or not.

Actually I always kinda hated you for no good reason, even when you were giving me compliments.

Hmm, maybe I actually ain't any good with compliments.

That would certainly explain a few things.

Oh Canada

You know what else the U.S. could do for money?

Get Canada to pay us to make them look cooler at parties.

We could be like, Canada's rent-a-friend Hot Chick.

BFF! looools!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Vote For Rent

I'm hoping John McCain's campaign numbers really start to slide in a huge way.

'Cause that would drive up the value of supporting him.

That's where the big money is, his wife, y'know, she's got more money than all the rest of 'em combined.

But she ain't gonna pay us jack shit for our votes unless he really needs us.

Yah, see, this whole "close race" thingie is totally ruining the economy, man!

User User

Dude, I think we can make a feature-length film for like, a couple hundred bucks.

If we all lived in one of the many abandoned mansions that are currently littering the landscape and made big batches of Ramen Pride Noodles to feed the volunteer cast and crew.

With campfire marshmallows for dessert awhellyah.

Hell, we could make a reality show about a bunch of people trying to make a feature length film with a couple hundred bucks for a couple hundred bucks.

And a documentary about a contest for positions in a reality show about making the feature length film awhellyah baby that's like three-to-five birds with one couple hundred bucks right there, if any one of those things actually work we'd be sitting on a goldmine!

All you need is a bunch of random character-based bullshit to get people into it, like, you need a nerd, you need a psychic, you need a jock and a cheerleader and a doctor and an indian and a construction worker, blah blah blah, make 'em all weepy, easy peasy.

Yah, its sorta like a cross between going camping and a cooking show and Survivor and Lost.

Yah, where you get the people on the Reality Show to do all the work as if that was part of the Reality Show.

Hey man, if it turns out to be shit, you can just say "I meant to do that" and call it a comedy.

And if it turns out good, its like, high quality drama or whatever.

Dude, I'm totally in to this User-made Content stuff.


The first thing most people do when they first get on the internet is vent all of their fury at the universe.

Not everybody does that, some folks seem to keep a cool and sorta-professional Disney-quality exterior no matter what, but most of 'em do that.

And then most of them give up and disappear.

Meanwhile the rest of us are like, well, thanks for venting all your acid and bile on us, I dunno what folks expect to get back from that ahaha.

Anyways, after you been blabbering on the internet for about a million years, you start to evolve a bit.

How exactly you evolve sorta depends on why you were blabbering about stuff in the first place, so I'm not familiar with all the different kinds of guys, I only understand my own selfish thing, where you're trying to cheer your buddies up and make 'em blow milk out of their noses and shit while you rub your brain against the grindstone to keep it sharp.

And so when it gets tough to think of something that would cheer my buddies up, when I'm feeling bummed out myself, that's when I'm the most proud of what I do, that's when I give myself the highest points for difficulty, the hardest times to do it are when I feel like I oughta be doing it the most.

And that's like the exact opposite of the folks who first show up and use the internet to vent the junk that's bugging 'em and whatever heh.

Of course, this is just my own small corner of the shit, I got all sorts of complex little rules that govern how I do things, and there's a million other ways to do it, and a million other things you could do with it.

And I'm mistaken by strangers for a lot of things I ain't, y'know, like, I'm not a public entertainment system and whatever-else ya might think just 'cause I got talked into putting most of my shit in one place on the internet so that it wouldn't be so hard to chase me around.

And I'm not really against strangers joining up with my team of buddies, I'm pretty big on the need for new blood, compared to the crustier and more jaded folks, but the junk I put out there is designed to naturally select what I want to get back out of the mess, so I don't usually gotta deal with folks I wouldn't like, I'm always meeting cool folks with tons of personality that know about all sorts of shit insteada loud-ass know-nothing robots like me ahaha.

Yah there's only room for one loud-ass know-nothing robot like me in my universe, buddy AHAHA.

But enough about me.

What the hell was I talking about?

Oh yah, I'm right in the middle of doing some kinda super-manipulative thingie where I try persuade folks to write some shit that'll cheer me up make me laugh heh.

Pfft, this isn't gonna work, you guys suck ahaha.

The Mad Scientist Party

Its stupid that there's only two political parties when even the Planet of the Apes had three.

Oh sure, they combined scientists and hippies, and separated the might-makes-right and religious folks into two separate groups, and that's a damned dirty hippy-ape trick to get the scientist-apes on their side, 'cause hippy-apes are the "artistic and persuasive" apes who make ape-movies.

Everybody wants the scientist-apes on their side 'cause they want weapons to use against the apes they disagree with.

But then everybody hates the scientists-apes.

Oh sure, all the fashionable and artistic hippy-apes are like, dude, scientist-apes are nerds, they collect comic books, they're ruining the planet, Paula Abdul is drunk, Ben and Jerry should use breastmilk, crystals have healing powers, do these flared jeans make my butt look fat?

And then religious apes hate us and cast their spells on us and stuff.

And the might-makes-right apes can't be bothered to learn anything from smart little scientific weakling apes but they need kickass futuristic helicopters and lasers and stuff to kill us with.

And then everybody is all like, no you scientist-apes can't have your political party 'cause it would only mess up whether the hippy-apes or the religious apes win.

Kinda hilarious for the math-hating apes to dictate the math of the situation to us ahaha.

Anyways I propose that we create a new party.

Yah, the Mad Scientist Party.

Only thing that sucks is that its gets kinda annoying to have your research interrupted all the time when the public demands to blabber with you.

I've been trying to do it for a while now and every time I turn my back to continue my research the villagers go right back to being depressed and crazy and demanding I do something about it and stuff its soooo annoying.

Its especially bad if I have to appear in person instead of communicating through holographic projection 'cause I live in a top secret underground research base near the planet's core, y'know, for the free geothermal energy, and its takes forever to teleport to the surface.

Yah so maybe we should just find a new planet.

Dude, I wonder if somebody even smarter than us already thought of that, y'know, like, its theoretically possible that somebody left all the moron-apes of our planet behind them a long time ago, and all the morons that got left behind were too moronic to make a record of it.

Yah, and then they just watch the morons do their little junk like a bunch of hamsters in a hamster cage, it'd be pretty easy to baby-sit all the little aluminum-foil space programs and laugh while making sure that the morons don't intercept any of your signals.

Our planet might actually be some sort of Prison Planet for the mentally inferior and unstable or something!

That would certainly explain of a few things.

Hmm, I'll need to check some of my instruments, try to figure out what I did wrong, why I got put here.

Yah, that'll be an embarrassing day, when we finally meet the "aliens" and learn that we've all been sentenced to Life on a Cosmic Short Bus!

Well, I don't care if they're smarter than us, I just want to be able to say "See! I told you so!" when it happens muahahaha *rubs hands together evilly*

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Pattern

You know, I been thinking lately about how things from the past keep repeating themselves.

No, I'm not talking about the Great Depression and the first failure of trickle down economics and the rise of isolationism and the world-wide economic crash and the rise of fascism and the start of World War II with militant countries testing the waters to see what they can get away with and FDR showing up with his New Deal, goddam you guys are depressing.

And wtf are you trying to say that a black dude is like a guy in a wheelchair?


Yah hell no I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about Blazing Saddles, man.

Dude the shit that happened in Blazing Saddles is almost exactly like what's happening right now, its totally freaky how there's soooooo many similarities, its like they were psychic or something.

Ahaha yah whatever man that movie was awesome.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Gunga Galunga

Anger comes from misunderstanding.

Hostility comes from your lack of appreciation.

Let's try to get that through our fat heads before you people really piss me off ahaha nyuk nyuk nyuk.

The Mysterious Island

Instead of looking for a job, you should be starting your own company.

And then you should hire me.

Ahaha no seriously man I'm not good at anything except leeching off people but I am honest and stuff and oh man I hate it when somebody else comes along and starts to leech off the guy I'm leeching off of y'know so I can protect you from that ahaha.

Yah you should make a company, and then we can get a boat and go around the ocean visiting all those weird-ass rich guys that own their own islands and stuff until we find a good one.

If we bring a camera along we can make a reality TV show out of it, Weird-Ass Rich Guys That Own Their Own Island's Got Talent or something.

Well, whatever, its something to think about.

Serious Political Opinion

People probably wonder what I am politically.

I'm not anything.

I'm pretty liberal if we're talking about sex and shit like that.

But I support the right for folks to be different, so I'm not against conservatives, 'cause that's just one of the ways you can be different, imho.

A republican is just a kind of democrat to a guy like me.

I'm not against anything that rewards folks for innovation and stuff but I don't think that we need to reward people for preying on each other to do that, so take what you will from that.

I think the most important thing about America is the way that we're made up of the greatest adventurers from all over the world, that there's some place on this planet that folks can run to when they're being persecuted, some place that appreciates and welcomes 'em based on the fact that we're all exactly the same kinda strange adventurers as them, a place that appreciates anything anybody is willing to bring to the table and share as far as the wisdom and beauty and comedy of their culture and traditions and ancestors goes.

'Cause that's why I got Egg Rolls and Tamales to eat insteada Haggis, thank the gods.

And that's how we got Isaac Asimov (thank you Soviet Union), and Enrico Fermi (thank you Mussolini), Groucho Marx, all 47 flavors of beautiful women, and everything else.

That's how I got the wisdom of teachers from all over the world (including the Native Americans, who came across the Ice Bridge a zillion years ago).

And that's how we got Amish Hobbits and plastic dudes from the 80s living together in peace and harmony.

Hell, even Bon Jovi is still allowed to be popular in some places *stares at Rockford*

And I wouldn't want to go back to the places my genetics crawled away from and live in some town where every dude looked like me, that'd totally freak me out, man, I dunno how those people can do that, I'd go crazy, that's like something out of a scary movie man ahaha.

And I understand that you need to let folks keep some dignity, even though I ain't any good at it heh.

And some of the dudes in the countries we came from are all wise and stuff, too wise to be adventurers like us, the adventurer lifestyle ain't for everybody.

Oh and I'm not a big fan of monarchies that you don't get to vote for.

That's about all I got for serious political opinion, really.

So am I still free to go?

Or have you guys changed that.

Eat the Rich

The rich people need our help.

Oh sure, you're unemployed, the house you are paying for is worth half of what you still owe on it, your town is flooded with toxic waste, you can't leave because gas is so expensive, food prices are soaring and malnutrition is rampant, all the money you put toward your retirement got spent by somebody on coke and hookers, you don't have any health care, your educational system sucks, your kids are under constant surveillance, you're at war with ten or more countries that you probably couldn't even find on a map, there's terrorists everywhere, and the earth is melting.

But even with all that, we haven't been heartless and selfish toward the rich, we've provided the rich with all sorts of loopholes over the years, we've provided them with the time and materials to hire lobbyists and bribe officials with extravagant parties and gifts, and we don't even think to ask 'em for as little as a thank you.

But the loopholes we provided for them aren't enough, and our political system has failed, the politicians they hired turned out to be idiots, and now there's nothing left in your retirement fund to steal!

You don't understand the seriousness of the problem, rich people don't know how to take care of themselves, y'know, you may be comfortable living an post-apocalyptic wasteland where civilization is a thing of the past and rats are good eating, 'cause you're all resourceful and adventurous and stuff.

But these people need to solve all of their problems with money, and they're completely unequipped to deal with the vulgar details of day to day living that you peasants find so enjoyable.

So for only three hundred and fifty dollars a day, slightly less than it costs to fill up your tank with gas, you could adopt a rich person.

And let your show of heartfelt support give these poor unfortunate souls who are medically incapable of considering anything but their own self-interests the chance they need to get back on their feet and go dormant while you figure everything out and fix everything so we can all start cannibalizing your future again together.

Don't let their parents be the last to do it, that'd be like, totally unfair.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Parallel Universe 42's Got Talent

Man I just watched the debate and there's these two dudes standing there making lists of all the countries that they're going to attack as president and its like they picked every single country EXCEPT France wtf obviously neither of these guys wants my vote!

I'm not even from this stupid-ass parallel universe y'know in my parallel universe President Mondale united the entire world around our mutual hatred for France and then we figured out Time Travel and now Afghanistan's Got Talent is a popular TV show so I dunno wtf is gonna happen over here but seriously you guys need to start thinking this shit through a little better!

It'd be a shame and like totally bad for my career as a Time Lord if the only parallel universe where Conan was elected to public office self-destructed before we got a chance to see what kinda crazy-ass shit you freaks did next!

That's Life

I don't think France has ever made me laugh.

Well, not on purpose, anyways, heh heh heh.

And I think Indiana could probably take France in a fight.

But I'm not totally anti-uh-francotronic or whatever it is you are when you don't like France.

I know all about "Lafayette! We are here!"

And I knew a bunch of other shit about France that I can't remember, too.

And I went out with a totally cute French chick once.

So I know everything there is to know about that, I explored the French Culture extensively *nudge nudge wink wink* knowwhutImean heh.

I even took two years of French in high school, but as fate would have it, I sat next to a hot spanish chick, so I learned more Spanish than French ahaha.

Well, whatever, I don't mean to pick on France all the time, its not like I really hate the place or anything, even though their food is gross and I can't really think of anything else I like about the place besides their women AHAHA.

Yah I hate art so you ain't gonna get me on any of that shit that Jim Morrison fell for ahaha.

Oh I'm just kidding, only place I really hate is Canada, but I can't even hate them 'cause they invented Insulin, the bastards.

Seriously, who else can we make fun of, if we can't make fun of France?

Its like they're the last guy out in musical chairs or something, the process of elimination burns everybody else up for one reason or another, y'know, s'like, there's a ton of places that ain't psychologically healthy enough to handle a bunch of stupid-ass jokes, so that rules them out, and all the places that can take a joke have great senses of humor and that sorta ruins the whole fun of picking on 'em!

Yah, France, France is awesome, man, what's that one song they got, Psycho Killer, yah, see, now that shit is awesome, Psycho Killer! Qu'est-ce que c'est! fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fahaha *does the robot*

Fawlty Wiring

I am so jealous of the Monty Python guys.

A comedy team funded by Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd.

Like, those are your bosses, that's who you have to please, that's who you are supposed to be entertaining when they get off duty, holy shit.

And you get to work with all these other dudes who are totally hilarious.

Y'know, like, could it get any better?

And its not like Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd were the least creative bands that ever lived or anything, either, y'know, you're getting up there into that Jim Henson level of creativity, man, without the Ewoks Ruined the Trilogy crap where you gotta do stuff for kids heh.

Of course, now that we can download everything off the internet and there's no money in music, the only musicians who are making any money are the ones that are grinding out garbage for all the computer-illiterate folks who still have to go to the stores to buy things, and those guys are a bunch of bland pap-producing idiots, so us intellectual know-it-all folks have sorta totally screwed ourselves in the ass there man ahaha.

Y'know, its like, who wants to be the comedy team produced by Britney Spears?

Wtf kinda sad-ass Bob Saget shit would be involved in making folks like that laugh?

Its like our intelligence and cunning has somehow turned around on us and thrown us under the Ewoks Were Awesome Bus or something.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Oogly Woogly Hypno-Eyes

Y'know, when chicks try to protect themselves from my witchcraft, I know they're just playing hard to get.

Dude, could this chick get any hotter?

Clankety Clank

Dee dee dum dee dee dee dum dee...

Dee dum dee dee dee dum dee...

...if I only had a brain. I'd...

Dum dee dee dum dee dee...

Dee dum dee dee dee dum dee dee...

...if I only had a braaain.

Got My Eyes On YOU, Pal

There's this thing lately with people telling us that the "world is watching us as Americans to see what we'll do" or something.

I don't like it.

Dude, nobody is watching me.

And there's definitely nobody watching all the crazy hillbillies in the woods, that's why we're afraid to go in there.

And even if there was somebody watching me, they oughta be watching those crazy hillbillies in the woods so that we won't have to be afraid to go in there no more.

Dude, I bet the rest of the world is just trying to goad us into watching them back with that "we're watching you" stuff.

Well, you know how they're always getting all mad at us for not paying any attention to them and being ignorant of where they are located on maps and shit!

Watching them, watching us, watching them, yah man, that'd be a huge waste of time, that's why the rest of world ain't doing anything worth watching, they're too busy watching everybody else, if we fell fer that, then nobody would be doing anything worth watching, it'd be like a French Apocalypse of Nothing Happening or something, what with everybody sitting there, sipping coffee, watching each other watch each other!

Plus watching people is just snoopy and creepy and disrespectful.

That's why I'm proud to maintain my ignorance in all these matters, I consider it my patriotic and sacred duty as an American to conform to the highest standards of excellence in ignorance, I'm not willing to sink to everybody's elses dishonorable level, snooping on each other and invading each other's privacy and treating everybody like shit and rumor mongering and filling the world with jealousy and hate, no matter what it may cost me in Geography-related points on Gameshows, somebody has to maintain some integrity around here and quit cannibalizing the less fortunate in a never-ending illustration of our personal superiority while we smoke cigarettes and try to get laid!

Or whatever, y'know, what do I care, really ahaha.

Shanty Momma

Hey, if we're gonna end up living in cardboard box shanty towns, then we're gonna come together as Americans and make sure that our cardboard box shanty towns are the best cardboard box shanty towns that the world has ever seen!

We can like, attach our cardboard boxes together and make huge-ass cardboard box mazes and mansions with tennis courts and exercise rooms and treehouses with working elevators and shit, it'll be awesome, we'll be the envy of the Better Cardboard Boxes & Gardens community baby.

We should make a fake documentary about failing to make a documentary about some guys who failed to make a successful Greeting Card For Pets company, where the whole thing takes place next to a rack of "greeting cards for pets" at a tourist shop on a tropical island or something.

Y'know, where they're all like, "Missing You" and "Wish You Were Here" cards for all the guilty rich people on vacation to send back to the pets they have locked away in kennels and shit, rich people don't actually care about their pets, but some of 'em do care about how they seem to care about their pets, its just that the poor people at the Greetings Card For Pets company over-estimated their vanity and under-estimated their stingyness, that's like, the whole statement of the movie, its this existential tension thingie where you watch one rich tourist after another make faces and noises as they decide not to buy "Wish You Were Here" postcards for their pets.

I'd rather make a fake documentary about failing to make a documentary about some guys who failed to make a successful Travel Show on PBS but that sounded too expensive, y'know.

Unless the reason they failed to make a successful Travel Show was that it was too expensive to actually travel to the places they were supposed to do the shows about, that'd be kinda funny if they never got to go anywhere and they got caught (by a competing Travel Show Star) for trying to trick everybody into thinking that they actually went to the places they were talking about ahaha awhellyah man I am a veritable goldmine of shit like this.

See, no matter what happens, the folks who live in my cardboard box shanty town are never gonna have to worry about what we're going to do for some entertainment.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Bush Rider

Dude this economy thingie must be pretty serious if George W is willing to risk pissing off the last of his supporters by interrupting Knight Rider to blabber about it.

Ah he's going on at 8pm after Knight Rider is over boy that dude is one sly fox huh nothing to worry about there man he prolly just wants to be the first to talk about how cool Knight Rider was ahaha.

Hey, I got an idea for a new gameshow:

"Are You Smarter Than Somebody Who Married a Millionaire"

It'd work, trust me, its got everything it needs built into it already ahaha.

Yah its one of those "bittersweet victory" thingies even if you win, those are worth extra points y'know heh.

Hey, I told you asshats to marry a millionaire but you hopeless-ass romantics were all like "oh no dude I think I'd rather be poor" so I don't wanna hear none of yer shit dude I should be living large in your poolhouse as your "spiritual advisor" or something already ahaha.

Big Brotherocracy

This is pretty goddam funny.

I think it would get more people involved in the democratic process if we switched the whole thing around so that we were allowed to vote for who we hated the most and get rid of them.

Hate has way less accessibility issues than love does, y'know?

Like, on our touch-tone phones, we could just press 1 to get rid of this guy, or press 2 to get rid of that guy, y'know, it could be all instantaneous and futuristic and stuff like that.

And then the guy we voted off the show would be notified on his phone with a foghorn sound effect or something heh.

Have it all happening in real-time with camera phones everywhere, y'know, government should be reality-tv style, totally, none of this crap where folks have all this time to dick around and have folks write 'em speeches and shit, we need to pick up some speed here, baby, think a little quicker on our toes, I don't wanna hear all these stupid excuses for everything, things need to start getting done.

Democracy oughta be all smooth and responsive and super adaptive and shit like that.

Dude, now that is the way to do it, one slip up and blam, the People Have Spoken, you are outta there, pack yer shit, flintstone.


Yah well we'd have to come up with some kinda secondary system for putting people up on the Block and shit, I still got some kinks to work out and junk ahaha.

The Smoking Monkey Show

When I said we should do a TV show, I didn't mean a good one.

I don't wanna get trapped doing anything like the Mentalist, where we got characters that are supposed to be all super smart and stuff, duking it out in a battle of wits every episode, that kinda shit is way the hell too hard to write.

Yah, you can go ahead and try to pull shit like that off week after week after week, we'll see how long you last heh.

Yah, naw, I meant that we should do something with totally low standards and properly managed expectations and shit, y'know, like Knight Rider or something, something where folks would be surprised and happy any time we accidentally did something that was halfway decent.

Just thinking about all the parents that are gonna be stuck watching that Knight Rider show makes me laugh man ahaha.

But we could do something good for those people.

Maybe not something as good as Knight Rider, y'know, 'cause that's a lot of work, actually, you need a fancy looking car with like, working lights and stuff for that, and you gotta do jumps and stunts and stuff, there's way the hell too much effort and money and danger involved in something like that.

Naw, see, I was thinking more along the lines of one of those shows where they got a talking monkey or something.

Yah, naw, see, we don't need a monkey that can actually talk, we could just have the whole show be one of those voice-over narration type dealies, from the perspective of the monkey, like they did everything on the Wonder Years, y'know?

So we can save ourselves some money there, we could just get ourselves a nice cheap non-talking monkey fer something like that.

Yah, I dunno how much monkeys cost but they can't be that expensive, a non-talking monkey has gotta be cheaper than a talking car, its prolly only a couple hundred bucks or something.

See, that'd be perfect, and all the parents would be stuck watching our talking monkey show, too, y'know, 'cause you can't watch shit about serial killers, if yer a parent, and kids love that talking monkey shit hahaha suckers.

Dude c'mon seriously the added bonus of getting to torture all the parents stuck watching our talking monkey show with their kids really puts this one over the top heh.

And we can make the monkey do all sorts of bad shit, too, like smoking cigarettes and crap, so that the parents have to be mean to their kids and not let 'em watch the show 'cause the monkey might teach 'em to smoke ahaha awhellyah y'know now that's the kinda awkard and awesome shit that makes life worth waking up for in the morning ahaha.

Meanwhile all the cool kids at school with cool parents that let 'em watch the Smoking Monkey Show will get all the chicks, and the ones that aren't allowed to watch it will end up as social misfits and rejects and they won't be able to find anybody to go to Prom with let alone reproduce with and thus the Smoking Monkey Show Fans will eventually take over the world.

Heck, the controversy alone is all the publicity we need, y'know with the way the journalists on the news are all insane-o with the health consciousness stuff, trying to keep everybody frightened so they'll keep watching the news for answers, they're gonna look like extremist dietary whackos going after our cute little Smoking Monkey, what with their barbie doll plastic surgery faces all twisted up into unnatural and rubbery looking masks of corporate pharmaceutical-fueled outrage ahaha.

Hell yah man, we could probably even get some fundage from Big Tobacco, too, y'know, like the talking car commercial show gets money from whoever makes the car.

Dude, a smoking monkey is a million times more loveable and American than a smoking camel, I mean, c'mon, wtf, don't camels spit and shit?

And Tobacco is a plant, man, so its all "green" and automatically environmentally conscious and stuff, just like the peaceful nature-loving Monkey ahaha.

"The Smoking Monkey is against Global Warming!"

Yah man, see, this idea just keeps getting better and better.

The Good News

Teachers, frustrated with how stupid their students are, unanimously voted for a shift in the grading system today, where a score of 1% will now be considered a "D," and anything over a score of 50% or more will now be considered "unanimous."

All the other letters are in the middle of them two things, they didn't get rid of any.

"This is a huge win for teachers," said this hot teacher chick, "now we won't have to waste so much time with that crap."

"And this will make the students be smarter," said this other guy, "and that's what teaching is all about."

"Now the teachers won't have to teach us so hard," said another person who was shorter than the other guy.

As for the rest of the community, they seemed to be under the mistaken impression that I was auditioning them for that America's Got Talent thing on TV, you know, with the English Judge guy, it seems kinda weird that we use an English Judge guy to judge American Talent like that, don't it?

Its like they're looking for English talent or something, really.

See, that's probably why people are having such a hard time winning the thing!

Which reminds me, isn't it kinda dumb to call the news "news" just because its new?

I thought this stuff was supposed to be all smart and serious and spelled right and junk.

Calling it "news" just seems kinda cheesy, to me, if you really think about it, its like the "s" on the end is supposed to make it sound cute or something.

Well, whatever, some of them really could sing pretty good, and there was a couple of ones that might actually make it.

We'll be keeping our fingers crossed over here, Bob.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

What Is Good In Life

You people need some cheering up.

So I want you to imagine some hobbits.

Spending their entire day doing something related to the food they were eventually gonna get to eat, y'know, churning butter, taking care of animals, growing spices, perfecting recipes, making silverware, building booze barrels, baking bread, whatever.

That's all nice and everything, right?

And after a hard day of that shit, and a nice huge feast, they hang out on the porch in the fresh night air with a cool breeze moving through the trees and they eat desserts and smoke pipes and crack jokes and tell stories for a bit and they watch all the lights down there in town twinkle along with the reflections of the stars and everything on the lake or whatever.

Totally cool and smooth.

But they suck in bed, what with the weird little rubbery noises they make, and the way they're all inhibited and twisted, totally unable to express themselves and get comfortable and shit, its nothing but sheer sexual frustration there, the biting and hair pulling is actually the good stuff, there ain't no hobbits that know how to kick off their shoes and let their hair down and sink into each other with kisses, they seize up and freak out when they grab on to each other, their whole process of reproduction is all awkward and terrifying and unsatisfying and traumatizing to everybody involved, that's why Bilbo lived alone and never talked about it and shit man ahaha.

So don't be all jealous of the hobbits, man.

That's like being jealous of homeless people 'cause they get to go camping all the time.

Yah, Eating is only one of the Big Three.

Yah no, Shitting isn't one of 'em, Shitting sorta goes with Eating, I think.

Well, I'm not an expert or anything, y'know, so maybe you're right.

The Art of Plagiarism

Its interesting, the way artists steal stuff from each other.

Like, books steal stuff from real life.

And comic books steal stuff from books.

And movies steal stuff from comic books.

And television steals stuff from movies.

In these cases, the stolen goods are traveling from a less-well-known source, something edgier and more underground with a cult following of people who are willing to put a lot of effort into getting at the highest quality entertainment, to a more widely accepted format that's easier to get at with a lower barrier to entry.

And even if the stolen goods weren't all watered down on purpose, in preparation for their delivery to the masses, or cut with something cheaper, so you could spread a tiny bit of goodness over a longer period of time, they'd still lose some of their potency, just due to the process of copying 'em, 'cause nobody understands what they're copying as well as the dude who made the original copy that they're all copying off of, and so there's always little bits and pieces that don't get copied.

Which is why, given the choice, you'd probably want to make your copies from the most intense and original sources, and not the most bland and over-boiled sources, just to increase the odds of capturing more of the colors and flavors and textures involved.

But that's not how games do it.

Nope, see, I think games actually have a tendency to do things the other way around, 'cause they got self-esteem issues and they want to steal acceptance by the masses more than they want to be thought of as "artistic" and "edgy" and "original" and all that heh.

Yah, y'know, you might be tempted to steal from a bland and widely accepted format, if your medium was having problems with acceptance, if your medium was considered "nerdy" or whatever.

Which is the exact opposite of the problem with TV, where its thought of as "stupid," and it needs to steal stuff that makes it seem more original and edgy and artistic ahaha.

Of course, books also steal stuff from comic books, and comic books steal stuff from movies, and there's all sorts of cross-pollination stuff like that, I'm generalizing here.

And you can also play semantics, and say that we're not really stealing things, that we're just being influenced by things, that these things are our "influences," there's a whole art to that shit.

And we can make an art out of stealing things, where we sorta admit that we're stealing things, we can say that we're doing a nod or a hat tip to something we like, or bringing some edgy cool and underground thing to the masses, as if we were doing them a favor, we're Prometheus Bringing Fire, we're the well-paid herald of Galactus or something.

Or we can just try to not get caught at it heh.

And then fall back on the Prometheus stuff if we do get caught or something ahaha.

But everybody is actually stealing things, imitation is the highest form of flattery and all that.

And every once in a while we do think up something new and original, while we're stealing stuff, 'cause the stuff we're stealing has a tendency to inspire new ideas and new twists and stuff.

I'm not one of those guys that go around moping about how everything has been done before, I mean, just because something is tough to do doesn't mean its impossible and that we should all just give up or whatever, all the cool things are tough to do, and I'm all totally into doing new stuff that nobody has done before, even if I'm not the kinda guy to worry about holding my nose when I need to steal shit 'cause I can't think of nothing new to do heh.

You gotta explore the map out to the edges to get to the new stuff, y'know?

Hell, you gotta explore the map out to the edges to even know what the new stuff is.

Anyways, there ain't nothing wrong with thinking of story-telling as being a DJ, where you spin records, or in this case stories, there's an art and a skill and a craft and a bunch of knowledge and appreciations and understandings that go into spinning 'em good, even if you ain't responsible for any of the songs that you are twisting together.

Its probably better to think of it that way than to think of it in any other way, actually, 'cause it tends to get less and less honest the more you move away from that heh.

And you can also get so good at mixing crap together that you can start making new songs out of bits and pieces of old songs, too, y'know, at that point, the line between doing that and sitting in a rocking chair and plucking out your favorite chords on an old guitar is starting to get pretty blurry.

And there's another rule I have, probably the most important rule of all, and that's to not ignore a thing just because "its been done before."

Everything is a tool, and you don't ignore all the things a tool might be able to do, just because some other dude used them once.

You don't need new tools, all the time, to make new things, we'd still be living in caves if we all thought shit like that ahaha.

And you don't wanna ignore the tools that bad guys use, either, just because a bad guy used it to do bad things, 'cause there's no such thing as Bad Guy Tools, its all in how you use it, as soon as a Good Guy picks up a Bad Guy Tool it tends to turn into a Good Guy Tool.

That's why I'm okay with drinking, y'know, it shouldn't be "against the rules" for the Good Guys to seek a little lubrication when they need it, after a long hard day of doing Good Deeds and all that shit ahaha.

Anyways, all of these things can be done well, or done poorly, that's how you know that there's an art to 'em.

And there's even all sorts of arts involved in stealing things.

But you ain't never gonna figure 'em out unless you start with being honest with yourself about how dishonest you are.

Y'know, yer just gonna end up being some crazy dude in the land of make believe heh.

I'm not an expert or anything, but I'm pretty sure that Artistic Integrity doesn't start with a river in egypt ahaha.

Well, whatever, we really should get together and make our own TV show.

Yah man, apparently we can just copy shit scene by scene from movies like the Fly and whatever nowadays and we don't even have to do the usual reach-around hat-tip thingie where we do a little name-dropping and point folks in the direction of the thing we stole it from ahaha.

Yah, I dunno, I'm guessing that its 'cause most of the TV audience right now is too young to see R rated movies, so we can just steal willy-nilly from Rated R shit and pretend we came up with all that junk!

Could it get any goddam easier?

See, we should be striking while that iron is still hot baby ahaha.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Emmy Fever

I am neither proud of nor disturbed by the fact that I don't even know what the Emmies are.

I could guess, without looking in the wikipedia (the fact that I can't be bothered to even look it up in the wikipedia oughta tell you all you need to know, you ultra-hip folks can stop reading right now AHAHA), that they're for TV shit, insteada movie shit, 'cause I'm pretty sure (although not totally sure) that the Oscars are for movie shit.

But then there's the Academy Awards and the People's Choice Awards and I have no idea who the Academy is or who The People are but I am sure that nobody has ever asked me to vote for any of this shit so I apparently don't belong to whatever clubs I need to belong to in order to care about the opinions involved in the outcomes of those contests.

I've never watched an award show for anything, now that I think about it, I mean, you name it, I ain't watched it, so my lack of interest in the opinions of invisible people that I don't know anything about isn't limited to movies and television heh.

Oh, this movie won an Oscar, oh that actor won a Egor and an Ernie, y'know, it's all the same to me, that's great, good on you, there, buddy.

I do like those awards for the worst research of the year, the Ignobles or whatever, now that shit is a riot, but I just read about that stuff, y'know, I don't need to see anybody with weird hairdos struttin' up and down a runway with their boobs hanging out (although it certainly wouldn't hurt, now that I think about it heh).

Then again, I dunno who gets to vote on the Ignobles either, who the hell even knows what all the mad scientists are doing, man, I really oughta join that club, I could be hanging out at underwater supervillain research bases and stuff, checking out the latest info on which toads are the tastiest to lick, holy shit man, that'd be sweet ahaha.

A Three Hour Tour

I heard Heroes is running from 7 to 10 pm central.

That's three hours of Heroes Goodness, man.

That's a lot of Heroes Goodness, actually, I mean, seriously, damn, three hours, man, hmm, that's a lot of Heroes to take in, y'know, in one sitting.

I think Boston Legal is starting up today, too.

Yah, its on at 9pm.

Man, there's an interesting who-would-win, Hulk Vs. the Thing type of fight, y'know, Boston Legal fans vs. Heroes fans, gonna take me a bit to get my aching head around that one ahaha.

I'm a fan of both shows, so its a contest between my Inner Boston Legal Fan Versus my internal Heroes-fan-who-has-already-been-stuck-eating-Heroes-for-two-hours-and-I-dunno-if-I-can-stand-three-hours-of-broadcast-television-in-a-day sorta Clash of the Titans thing going on there, which complicates things a bit.

And Fringe is tomorrow, y'know, the show where they give you sixty seconds to pee.

Sixty seconds is not enough time to pee and wash your hands afterwards, y'know.

Well, I'm just saying.

Yah you Fringe Fans ain't fooling me man, I ain't sharing my popcorn with any of you fuckers ahaha.

Spread Around S'more of This Rare Talent

Man, I need to hook up with somebody making movies or something.

Screw this game crap, its too much work for everybody involved, its too much work to make the shit, its too much work to play the shit, and it don't pay enough.

Not when we could be having fun eating donuts on location and being creative while making something that was an hour and a half of fun to watch and eat donuts to and be done with it.

Something that was composed of short, cheetah-like bursts of energy, captured on film, something we could prepare ourselves for and execute over and over again, insteada some long-ass overly drawn-out endurance-test-of-a-thing where only the most exhausted shit manages to make it through the spanking machine and leave faint impressions on the tape.

Something that would matter more in the long run anyways by virtue of its sheer accessibility alone.

A television show would probably be better than making movies, movies are kinda bad for some of the same reasons games are bad, its the timing of the it, the pacing involved in the making and enjoyment of it, time is really the red-headed step child of dimensions, we're not real good at looking at it and understanding it yet, y'know, compared to length, width, and height, we're just barely starting to get our heads around the way things move through time, we like to look at stuff as snapshots, frozen in time, 'cause we get confused when all the parts start to move again, and it gets hard to measure things, and we get lost.

Movies are bad 'cause you got too much time to make 'em, and you don't gotta make as many of 'em, same as games.

But whatever, somebody's gotta be making a TV show that we could hook up with, and I don't mean something that's already famous, I don't wanna work on Battlestar Galactica or Stargate or any of that shit, I want something that we're free to give personality to, something we can bring to life any way we want without getting yelled at ahaha.

Oh, its probably just as bad as everything else, where some idiot execs from somewhere tell you that you oughta change the ending of the season finale and whatever, but there's a million ways to get around that kinda shit.

Yah, the only thing really bad about TV is the censorship stuff, when you automatically sorta tone yourself down and self-edit, but that can actually be a good thing sometimes, too, y'know, I could give examples, like the way the dude from Hill Street Blues mellowed out Lynch on Twin Peaks, and the result was better than the sum of the parts, there's an art to toning things down in places, its the big difference between Hitchcock and Tarantino, really, ain't it?

Y'know, those are the calm little avenues of shadowy accessibility for folks with more delicate sensibilities and your points of contrast amidst the hot and glaring splashes of technicolor zombie blood spatter sizzling on the pavement and the daisy duke hitchhiker climbing-into-the-VW-bus ass-shots in the orangey-orange sunshine.

Dude, somebody should get Tarantino to produce a TV show, and then hire me to help them eat the donuts and act as an advisor or something.

Yah, we can sell it to Showtime or some shit, pfft, those dudes will buy anything, juss lookit that Medieval piece of soft-porn shit they got and all the marketing behind it, I mean, seriously, could a show be a bigger waste of time and more boring than that?

I feel bad for the marketing geniuses that are wasting their lives and talent trying to prop pieces of crap like that up.

Y'know, how many times have you said to yourself, "man, the goddam commercials are better than this show, I wish the guys who were making these commercials would do a show!" ahaha.

I think the furniture is the most interesting thing on the Tudors, its like Antiques Road Show With Tits or something heh.

Oh whatever.

Seriously though, somebody get on that shit and hook us up!

Y'know, its like, wtf, I could write a season of Lost every day, there's all this "rare talent" that's just going to waste ahaha.

"Dude, I think you mighta painted yourself into a corner there, y'know, with the polar bear sequence."

"Pfft don't worry about it, I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually."

"Well, whatever, as long as this whole thing don't turn out to be some kinda stupid-ass dream, where the guy wakes up at the end and goes..."


Shit man, I could write a full season of a show about a bunch of guys making a show like Lost in a day ahaha.

And heck, Sundry could probably wrote two seasons worth of that kinda shit in a day AHAHA.

Yah man, we should all band together and create some kinda Creative Consulting Company.

All we really need is somebody specialized in creating Creative Consulting Companies, some kinda creative creative consulting company creative consultant guy from a creative consulting company creation consultation company or something.

Yah, I dunno how to do that shit, "I'm just a cheerleader" ahaha.

Flying Man

"Your character is supposed to be going through a rough patch, where he's filled with sorrow over the loss of his brother and turned to drinking, that's why we need you to grow a beard or something."


"Hmm, he still doesn't look like a drunk going through a rough patch."

"Yah, naw, he looks like a News Anchor celebrating Abraham Lincoln Day with a Fake Beard or something."

"Man, this is bad."

"There's like, no way to make this dude look kinda scuzzy and rough around the edges, he's just too 80s or something."

"Yah, its just gonna end up being confusing for the audience."

"Mebbe we oughta write this part out."

Hay Fever Hero Rundown

First off, you got your Hiro Nakamura.

He's really the heart of the show, I mean, as far as I'm concerned, we could just skip the rest of it and stick with Hiro the whole time and I'd be perfectly happy, he's an old fashioned superhero, cheerful and optimistic about people and all that (and he's got his officespace sidekick Ando to carry any pessimism that needs carrying), but its cleverly done and totally believable and everything.

That whole samurai thing from last season was kickass.

Where it turns out that his dad Sulu raised his kid on stories of this hero from ancient times that turns out to be the very kid that he's telling the stories to who went back in time and made sure that all the stories he heard turned out right?

Goddam that was good, seriously.

Then you got Noah Bennett, Claire's dad, who is a totally kickass character, which is why they keep threatening to kill him off, to keep us watching.

He's sorta like the Revenge of Clark Kent and Batman and the Husband from Bewitched or something, 'cause he ain't got any super powers, y'know, he's just got training and smarts, but he's also got this "is he a good guy or a bad guy" thing running along on the side.

Bad guys that turn into good guys is always a good one.

Like his buddy, the Haitian, who started out as a totally scary dude that never said a word, with the totally freaky power to make you forget shit or even turn you into a vegetable.

And then, when he finally speaks, he turns out to be this sweet-hearted and gentle religious dude who is anything but selfish, he's like all tapped in to the bigger picture and stuff.

Even though his power and the stuff he has to do is anything but sympathetic and gentle heh.

That's pure gold, baby.

And I like Syler, the bad guy, but I think they totally screwed up when they did that stuff with his mom, where they made him into one of those serial killers that was abused when he was a kid, as if that explains everything.

That's the same kinda thing as any movie where the serial killer is a serial killer just because he's gay, as if that explained everything.

Syler woulda been a better character without that "I was abused so I became a serial killer" shit, y'know?

He woulda been better as a regular guy, with a horrible-to-use needs-to-eat-brains super power, who gave in to using it just 'cause it made him incredibly powerful.

Its like the choice between morality and power right there, you can be good guy, and be all weak and stuff, or you could eat brains and fly and lift things with your mind and read people's thoughts and live forever.

You don't need any "mom whipped me in the tub" shit for that, that's a tough one even if your momma didn't love you enough heh.

Aside from the dumb reasoning, Syler is totally kickass as a badguy, I loved the junk where he was driving around in Mexico with that girl with the black stuff that came out of her eyes and her brother and that dude that they busted out of jail, that was award-worthy writing and directing and everything right there, they coulda easily had a spin-off show based on Joyrides with Syler or something heh.

Well, aside from the way they clumped it together with the Big Cowinky-dink that made everybody groan, where they're driving along and they find Syler laying in the middle of the road, ugh man, that was beyond terrible, and the Recovery of Syler, previous to that, with that chick who do illusions (which was cool), made no sense at all.

But I assume they'll go back and make more sense out of that later, in a world where people can travel through time and read minds and predict the future and stuff, its easy to explain away bad bits of plot with a quick flashback or whatever, I assume that the illusion chick was only working for the people who fixed Syler up, that she was sorta like a tasty little mouse dumped into a snake cage, and that there's more to that story.

As far as the rest of the folks on the show go, they're just kinda marching along in place, I wouldn't quit watching the show if any of the rest of 'em got killed off.

A lot of 'em had good setups, as characters, and they got some really good and likeable actors, like that almost-too-pretty-to-be-a-man Mohinder guy, but they haven't really gone anywhere with 'em, the Policeman who can read minds is bottoming out and losing his humanity (which was the only thing he had going for him as a character), the flying senator never had any humanity, Claire's "you don't know what its like to have super powers" crap is really getting old.

And they're completely ignoring the murderous internet porn chick with split personalities, who is the show's version of Wolverine.

And I really don't like the good guy Neo-wannabe version of Syler, the guy who doesn't have to eat brains to steal everybody else's power, I mean, it seems so unfair to have that dude be the "superman" that fights Syler, 'cause his power was so easy to aquire in comparison, where the bad guy actually had to put some elbow grease into it, to say the least heh.

I seriously hope that Syler eats his brain, and gets that guy's power, 'cause then Syler won't have to eat brains anymore ahaha.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Medicine Isn't Working

I've got a cold and hay fever and the flu and everything, and I'm sorta wavering in and out, between bouts of crystal clarity and a hot fog that's hard to breathe through, the leaves began to fall from the trees and they sound overly loud, crackling like wood-chips when they hit the ground, the hummingbirds (there's two of them) chase each other around my head a few times, for a moment, and I know I'm a real life picture of a dizzy cartoon character with birds flying around my head, but it doesn't even occur to me to laugh, and so they land (I've never seen a hummingbird land before) and we stare at each other and I can see how small they really are, they're just tiny little birds the size of your thumb.

I think about how cello and violin music is really good, the serious stuff, like the stuff they had in Arcanum, that was all class, man, that's style, that's what you should use in a game, it isn't just classical music that makes something timeless, its that cello and violin stuff.

But I don't really know anything about classical music, I'm like a guy that has never seen star wars or something, when it comes to classical music, I mean, I love Beethoven and I can talk some shit about Mozart and Grieg and a few other ones, if I got cornered, but that's like saying the Beatles were a good band or something, y'know, I couldn't name that music I like from those airplane commercials or anything, that stuff I always think of as Turn of the Century Music, looking forward to some science fictional future full of awesome inventions (which we have, but we lost the music that was supposed to go along with it, on the way, somehow).

I don't know what kind of music the cello and violin stuff I like is, there's probably a name for it, but I've never talked with anybody about classical music, I've never met anybody that knew as much as I do about it, in real life, and I don't feel like I know anything about it, so its just like some strange and beautiful ocean out there that I believe in but have no proof of.

I'm smart enough to know that if you do a Peter-and-the-Wolf type thing, where you tie a character to a theme, then you need to make sure their theme can evolve along with them, or you'll be stuck with static characters that never seem to change or grow, non-dynamic characters.

That's not always a bad thing, sometimes people want characters that are always the same, its comforting, in a way, like your favorite ratty-old t-shirt, the t-shirt that's so worn out that its become almost filmy and ghostlike in places, its pattern is staying the same but its growing fainter, this is how it exits the stage, by fading away right before our eyes, insteada making sharp turns and stomping about, there's something to think about there, but I can't think of the words to take me down those alleyways, at the moment, the thoughts escape me, weighed down by the flu, or whatever it is that I got, I can't follow the things that stay the same and fade away.

I know that its because I'm trying to figure out how sick I am all the time that my senses seem sharper than normal, I'm paying more attention to how they work than I normally would, now that I don't trust them completely.

Normally I just go around squinting at everything all the time, hardly noticing anything, ignoring everything on the sidelines, like the birds and the way that the leaves sound when they hit the ground, that's why its surprising me, its like I've never bothered to listen to them before, never noticed how strange they are.

So in a way, this is like a cool little vacation, a strange little trip, and the way my nose is all raw from our skirmishes with the box of kleenex, the way that my eyes are hot and weary and my head is heavy with fog, the way my thoughts are a like a bunch of logs half rolling and half sliding down the stairs, leaving a trail of black and dirty smudges and bark, well, that is a small price to pay for this temporarily heightened sensory state, right?

Just a Centon

I think you need to integrate your fantasy life with your menial household tasks a little more.

Perhaps that half-filled can of tomatoes is the very last half-filled can of tomatoes in the Intergalactic Wagon Train, the last tomatoes from our home planet, now that it has been destroyed by a terrible robot apocalypse.

And thus great care must be taken with the freshness of its contents, for it carries one last taste of a place called "home," a limited-use potion of childhood memories that must be used soon and can never be used again, with every passing moment the chemical bonds within it weaken, and it must be preserved!

And now you have been tasked by a sexy (and potentially dangerous) alien woman to find some strange and colorful little piece of xenopological pottery amongst the air-sealed panels and lockers and assorted storage areas of her mysterious ship, something that will, without doubt, turn out to be an intentional example of how different or similar this civilization is, from and to our own, designed by some prop-and-special effects guy who had never intended it to actually be used, and you must ponder the alien woman's impossible-to-guess storage methodologies to locate it, perhaps they sort things alphabetically, or by smell.

That's actually not that much of a stretch for me, I have no idea where an exotic alien female might store her futuristic-looking ration containers heh.

You can add in some stuff about being the last of your kind and the continuation of the species and all that classic shiznit if you require some motivation to perform her simple tasks as assigned, and you can always season it to suit your tastes, spice things up with some exotic alien mating rituals, perhaps her alien physiology is different, her erogenous zones may be located in previously undiscovered and unusual places, y'know, whatever.

Thanks to your healthy science-fiction-fueled imagination, and the Trapped in an Elevator Effect, pretty much every chick can suddenly transform into that barefoot chick from the Forbidden Planet heh.

See, you didn't have to work this hard when the Sopranos were still on the air, 'cause that show was all about cooking and eating ahaha.

Saturday, September 20, 2008


It might surprise you to know that I, the Greatest Roleplayer Alive ('cause all the other ones have drown in mysterious accidents), am a horrible, terrible liar, when it comes time to actually lie about something.

Being able to do little song and dance numbers and funny voices and going off on crazy tangents to make folks laugh and being able to spin yarns and read minds and detect micro-changes in air density and stuff doesn't really lend itself to lying as much as you'd probably think if you weren't any good at that stuff.

I never lie.

I never lie 'cause I'm one of those guys cursed with that thing where everybody can read my mind.

Seriously, most of the time, when folks ask me a question, I don't even have to say anything, everybody can just reach right into my hat holder and get at whatever answers they need, its like living in the Village of the Damned and shit and being the only guy without any super powers.

But even if you never bother lying to yourself, or for yourself, you can still get stuck in positions where you've got to try to lie for somebody else.

Like when they tell you a secret that they don't want somebody else to know, and then it never fails that the very person that they don't want you to tell the secret to the most homes in on you at a party with a terrifyingly accurate line of interrogation (like a dude being careful with a djinni wish), as if he can see the secret through the skin of your forehead, and you're stuck, either lying, or telling him the secret.

And I always have to choose to lie, then, 'cause I'm from Chicago, and that's just how we have to do it, even though I know it ain't going to work heh.

And that's when my total disregard for the arts of deception really becomes apparent.

I think what happens is tied in to the way that everybody can read my mind, its like an extension of the same property.

Its like my brain has to work so hard, in order to lie, that it has to reverse polarity on all the vibes I emit, or something, its like the earth stops rotating as my brain grabs for traction, and everyone in the room can feel it, there's this horrible jarring sensation that runs through everybody's nerve endings, a collective inhalation of breath, an inaudible shudder as an electromagnetic pulse goes flashing invisibly through the room and makes everyone forget what they were doing, discussions stop dead, there's a horrible silence and stillness, everything freezes, and everyone, even people across the room, turn and look at me, standing at the source of all this discomfort, to see what the hell is causing such a humongous-ass disturbance in the force.

And I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.

That's what always happens, right before I manage to spit out the lie, whether its something tiny, like a "yeah" when I should've said "no," or something more complicated, like making up some stupid ass story to cover somebody's trail.

I can't even get away with an "I don't know," 'cause I always do know, and everybody knows that I do know.

And "I have no idea..." doesn't work for the same reason, I always have at least one idea, and its almost always the right one heh.

And nobody has ever fallen for one of my horrible-ass weak little lies, I'm so bad at lying that people have actually started smiling and laughing out loud at how horrible I am at it, I usually don't even get in trouble for it, 'cause people think I'm just trying to make 'em laugh or something, there's like no ill will or anything ahaha.

Haha man my eyes are watering from the stress of just thinking about it, that's how bad I am at lying!

Yah, actually my eyes are all watery like this 'cause I got some kinda wicked-ass flu or something, seriously.

But whatever, that's why you can be sure that I'm not trying to trick you, baby, I would never do that to you, I couldn't do that to you even you wanted me to, I just don't have it in me.


There is one exception to the "arse" rule.

And that's when folks say that they "can't be arsed" to do something.

That doesn't translate into Americanglish properly, so that's still okay to do.

Saying you "can't be assed" to do something doesn't make any sense.

Which also makes it pretty goddam funny.

So I'm gonna start doing it.

And that means that you are on borrowed time if you are still "arsed" into doing things "ye olde" way.

Haha yah I'm giving you all Official Notice, the countdown clock on the last of the Arse Holdouts has begun.

"I can't be assed to switch to the new way."

"New way? What's this about a new way? There's been some very large talk behind my sleeping back, and no error."

"Don't worry, these are the blokes that still measure shite by the length of some King's foot."

One of the Top Ten Books of Some Year

I been reading High Fidelity.

Its a lot of fun, even though there's bits of it that are word-for-word what you saw in the movie ('cause it couldn't be rewritten into a script without losing some of the personality).

The main difference between the book and the movie is that its actually s'posed to be a bunch of british dudes in London or something, and that actually helps to keep it interesting.

Yah, like, every once in a while, the dude will say something like "that's a corker!" and I'll be all like, wtfizzat.

Y'know, 'cause a lot of folks say stuff like "sabre" and "colour" is the "European Spelling" of the "Americanized" words "saber" and "color."

But what is really going on there is that that kinda shit is actually Ye Olde English and the Antiquated Poetic and Vestigial spellings of those words, maintained by the equivalent of Amish people who refuse to adapt to the modern times for whatever reason.

I can't use that kinda spelling without people thinking I'm going into character or Lovecraftian Mode or something heh.

Hey man, people give Lovecraft a lot of shit for being an Anglophile and all he ever did was spell a couple words funny ahaha.

Anyways the character telling the story thinks its funny that Americans actually use the word "horny."

And I think "corker" is pilgrim-talk.

So its a fair trade I guess ahaha.

Well, whatever, on the back of the paperback copy I got, there's this quote.

It says "One of the Top Ten Books of the Year - Entertainment Weekly" without some of the caps.

And the first thing that latched on to me about it was that being "One of the Top Ten Books of the Year" isn't all that great.

Its not like being One of the Top Ten Books of the Decade, or Top Ten Books of the Century, or One of the Top Ten Books of All Times.

Couldn't they find somebody that liked it better than that?

There's all sorts of weird-ass people on this planet, there's gotta be some freakasaur out there who put that book at number one of all times.

Its like you didn't even bother to look!

Its a pretty good book, imho, I mean, it definitely deserves better than being put somewhere in the Top Ten Books of the Year (which really means that it must be somewhere between 5 and 10, or else he woulda said it was in the Top Five, right?).

And that's especially true if you only read a couple books per year.

'Cause if you only read two or so books a year, then the fact that both of 'em are gonna be in your Top Ten of the Year sorta goes without saying.

That don't mean they were any good.

Maybe you don't read many books 'cause the Top Two of the Year were pieces of shit.

They should have found somebody that only reads one book a year, and then paid him to read High Fidelity, 'cause then he could honestly say that it was the best book he had read all year.

And its also the worst book he had read all year but whatever that's what quotation marks were invented for *snippety-snip* ahaha.

And just because a dude reads more than ten books a year, its not like he read all of the books that were written that year, y'know?

Its not like the opinion and ordination of a ten-book-a-year guy would be worth a shit.

And its not like you can just say shit like "its in the Top Ten of the Year" and think its official without realizing that this book probably did not earn that title competing amongst millions of hopeful contestants in some kinda international gladiator ring for books with impartial judges.

Even if being in the Top Ten of the Year is kinda wimpy, it probably didn't even really earn that, somebody probably just sorta said that in an off-handed way, and then it became gospel.

And thinking about all that shit gave me the time to realize that maybe the critic hadn't even read the fucking book.

'Cause the book is all about Top Five of All Time lists, not Top Ten of the Year lists.

And if the critic was trying to be funny and clever, he totally fucked that up.

Or maybe the critic was trying to be a dick, by fucking it up on purpose.

I do stuff like that sometimes.

Sometimes I do shit like that and it isn't even on purpose.

But then again, I prolly wouldn't have read the book either, if somebody told me I had to 'cause it was my job, I would've just scanned it a little and came up with a cheerful quip, without overdoing it, y'know, in case, when the real critics who actually read the books they review all the way through show up, it turned out that the book sucked fer some undeniable reason, like the literary version of a mathematical proof that proved both that the book sucked and that you were a total fraud as a reviewer or something.

No sense in muddying up your journalistic integrity on some stupid book that you ain't even gonna bother to read by giving it too much praise or whatever, better to play it loose and just dunk it in the lower five of the Top Ten of the Year.

You don't want people saying stuff like "oh man, that's the reviewer that said that that fucking High Fidelity book was like, the 8th best book of 19-whatever! That guy sucks! He didn't even read it!"

Yah, Top Ten of the Year is playing it safe, that's saying there's like a twenty percent chance of rain.

Plus ain't nobody gonna keep track and actually count how many times you put a book in your Top Ten of the Year as long as you never list 'em all out somewhere and never specify what year you are talking about, so that's good to use on all the ones you ain't gonna bother to read.

Still, maybe that Top Ten of the Year thing was a slam.

That be a pretty fucking good slam, coming from a dude who actually read the book, y'know?

That'd be kinda like a smashed-it-out-of-the-park-and-into-the-side-of-Jupiter slam, if it was on purpose.

And maybe the people who published the book didn't realize it 'cause they hadn't bothered to read the fucking book either.

'Cause they saw the movie, just like everybody else, and thought that the book seemed to be pretty much the same as the movie, same as everybody else.

Except the movie was only an hour and a half long and the book would take like, a month to read or something (which would leave two books out of your Top Ten every year, if you read non-stop all year round).

They prolly didn't even notice the parts where the guy says stuff like "thats a corker" and "arse."

Which is what makes it worth reading, really.

Its the tale of some tragically hip musical trivia dude that talks like a medieval sailor, what's not to love about that?

Its all weird and twisted and interesting like that dude on Boston Legal who played the original Daniel Jackson.

Its like writing a book about people who are too cool to read books for people who are too cool to read books.

That's the witty and ironic kinda shit that makes the British sense of humor world-famous, but at the same time, its sorta like its no wonder that nobody can finish the damn thing.

And the movie doesn't help, 'cause its like, "oh man, I seen all this before, dude, that Jack Black was hilarious, heeheehee, I'll just flip past this part" *flip-flip-flip*

"Yah, fuck this, I'm just gonna do a review of this weird little buzz-phrase on the back of the book."

Don't Worry, Steve's DNA Is On Our Side

That show was the last time I watched Colbert.

Yah, seriously, I saw that on TV, and then I was thinking about what would be funny to say about it, and I realized that that was the last time I ever watched Colbert.

I used to love Colbert.

But that show kinda made me sick.

And I didn't really think about it too much at the time, y'know how we sorta automagically block painful memories and stuff so we can continue on with grits-n-gristle of day-to-day survival?

But now that I've gotten some distance from it, I think I'll be able to talk about it some, without bursting into tears.

Yah, see, when I saw that, I had a vision.

Oh yes.

A vision of Richard Garriott's DNA being picked up by aliens who used it to produce a clone army of blue leather-catsuit and whip-wearing Richard Garriotts, an army of guys that look sorta like a cross between Chuck Norris (without the muscles) and a Magician from the 70s, an army of Creepy Kings in Futuristic Latex that the aliens could use to take over the Earth and rule the world.

A Richard Garriott Apocalypse.

And I understood what Colbert was doing there, 'cause he realized that the Earth's only hope against such a nightmarish turn of events would be for him to make a latch ditch effort to get in there and make friendly with Richard Garriott and his Handservants, to make sure that the aliens had a sample of Colbert's DNA, too, so that they might also be tricked into creating a clone army of Colberts, one that us human freedom fighters in the Resistance could rally to our cause and use to turn back the tide of Richard Garriotts.

It was a great personal sacrifice for Colbert, 'cause he knew that I would never watch his show again, after he seemed to turn on us like that, in order to go undercover.

Hang on, I need a moment to compose myself, the memories are starting to... get to me *sniffle*

Okay, I think I can continue.

Anyways I applaud his heroism.

From a distance.

Okay, okay, I'm just jealous.

But I don't have a lot of time for TV, so I just watch Craig Ferguson, y'know, for the news.

Maybe one day I'll tell you guys the time-traveling parallel universe demonic possession black hole laser apocalypse story that explains why nobody on the internet spells "Fergusen" with any consistency.

Its for his own protection.

Happy World

Its not okay to use the word "retarded."

Its still okay to the use the word "stupid," though.

That's weird.

I guess the stupid people haven't gotten around to voting yet.

And nobody cares about the stupid people like they care about the retarded people, so nobody votes in their place, like they do for the retarded people.

Everybody is all nice and protective of you, as long as you're retarded.

But move one little bump up the ladder to stupid and its like they wanna kill you when they get stuck behind you in traffic.

Its okay to want to kill stupid people.

But you can't even say the word retarded, 'cause you might hurt a retarded person's feelings.

That's weird, man.

I wonder if, one day, in the distant future, it'll be against the rules to say anything negative.

Its interesting to think about, y'know, this eventual blissful utopia that these happy pandas who-hate-stupid-people envision, where they get rid of all the negativity and you can't even say shit like "I think this milk is spoiled."

'Cause you might hurt the feelings of spoiled people.

Haha yah that would never work, 'cause we can always say stuff like "nice pants" and "oh that was really smart" ahaha.

"Thank the gods, for in their eternal wisdom, they hath forseen all things, and provided us with sarcasm."

You can't even say that you can't say something without being super negative.

Well, you ain't on the team that's trying to encourage folks to do good stuff better.

That ain't what you're doing.

No, see, you are engaging the "bad guys" in combat and trying to take away their right to talk and stuff.

Did you guys ever think about that?

What if your "bad guys" are only bad 'cause they're retarded and they don't know any better?

Ah, but its okay to go and be inhumane to 'em if they're stupid.

Or spoiled.

Hey, I'm just being nice about it 'cause yer an idiot.

Hey now, don't you accidentally try to hurt me, you don't even know what you are doing, you might hurt yourself!

Lord of the Apes

Elephants blow water out their nose, y'know?

That's gross.

Its especially gross when they wash themselves in stuff they blow out of their nose.

S'like they're blowing their noses into their own armpits and over the tops of their own heads and cleaning behind their ears with the stuff.

Cooling themselves off with their own mucus or whatever.

Hey man, I don't care how hot you are, buddy, that'd be some gross ass shit if I did it.

Rubbing mucus into my skin and going "ahhhh that's better! I was so hot! And now that I've slicked myself up and gotten myself all nice and slippery, I'm going to latch my jaws onto your face and suck your brain out through your nose and eat it!"

Yah see, its all freaky like that.

Unless I was an elephant.

'Cause humans actually clap for that stuff, they even laugh when the elephants squirt human beings.

With liquids from their nasal passages.

Liquids that have been sitting in their long, gross-ass tubes fulla dirt and slimy wires and hairs.

And they say that elephants are all smart and junk.

So its like, you know they know what they're doing.

Blowing their noses on all the humans and laughing at the way the humans get all happy when they do it, as if they were a sprinkler or busted open fire hydrant or something.

They must think that we're idiots.

Elephant better not try to pull that shit on me, man.

Its the same thing with whales and their blowholes, y'know.

"Thar she blows!"

And then people wanna swim with them.

I'm not swimming in that stuff that came out of their noses, man!

Meanwhile, if I hock a gob, nobody claps.

Nobody wants to celebrate their connection to nature and dance under the glittering spray of one of my sneezes.

Nobody gets the sudden impulse to swim with me in a foamy puddle of my own mucus.

Or take a shower in that shit like Tarzan.

Yah, Tarzan, our embassador to the jungle, "he knows the animals!"

Meanwhile the elephants are all like, "omfg I can't believe he's letting you do that to him! I think I'm gonna puke!"

What an idiot.


Well, okay.

We do tend to clap and laugh and dance around a little when a human blows milk out of their nose.

Or coffee or whatever.

Or when somebody does a good spit-take.

And you can't get the "misting" effect if you ain't willing to fire some of that crap out of your nose.

Yah, y'know, a spit-take where the guy just horks the water right back out of his mouth in a stream ain't funny, that's just gross.

For some reason.

I dunno.

Well, I think its like watching a rich kid puke in that awkward rich kid way that they do everything else.

Y'know, s'like watching something pretending to be human, just to fit in with the gang and make folks laugh, and then halfway through the routine they realize that they can't go through with it, and then they get all scared that everybody is gonna figure 'em out, and they end up doing shit that's even more gross than a human would do, 'cause its so awkward and unnatural, and its totally uncomfortable and not funny at all for everybody involved.

Its like it starts out as comedy, gets disgusting, and then it ends with medical concerns and pity or something.

Way to ruin it, rich-boy!

Good times!

Milk coming out of an android's nose isn't funny!

Well, whatever, I guess we aren't that weird.

But still, laughing at a spit-take and wanting to take a shower in it are two different things.

So Tarzan is still an idiot.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Cheap Theatrics

Some actors definitely think scifi is uncool, that scifi is unbecoming, somehow.

Meanwhile Emergency Room Drama is the shiznit, I mean, seriously, that's where its at, pretending to be a pediatrician or a dude with cancer, aw hellyah, actors eat that shit up, they think that's all class, you get to cry and have tender moments with Tiny Tim and everything.

Pretty much every show takes a turn at some point where they have summa that cheesy ass medical drama stuff innit, I think its even more common than the "ticking timebomb" dealie, even shows like the A-Team had more than a couple tender scenes at an operating table and shit, I'm pretty sure ahaha.

And we sit through that crap and we don't say anything about it even though we know that we're just stuck watching that shit 'cause its something that actors like to do.

Nobody else likes that shit, do they?

Yah, mebbe the women.

Yah, you know how they eat up that disease-of-week garbage heh.

Hell yah I blame them too man I always punch out at whoever is closest to me when I bump my head on a doorway and shit ahaha.

But look at how happy the actors are, with their stethoscopes and clipboards, its like watching a bunch of kids in a treehouse.

And they really think they're doing something important or something.

When the chicks that like that disease of the week crap ain't really all that as far as discerning audiences go.

Its not like they're the toughest critics in the world, man, those are the people that go "awwww" when you hold a puppy up to the screen heh.

Well, they definitely ain't better than the nerdy and general well-read audience that watch scifi shit man c'mon I mean seriously, those are the kinda people that actually might know the name of the author of the thing you are working on and a little bit about the history of theatre in the medieval times and all that horseshit ahaha.

"I don't want to be famous for being the second Daniel Jackson!"

"Well you ain't gonna be famous for being the nine millionth Hamlet, buddy."

Serious actors are funny 'cause its like they've forgotten that they're really just a bunch of carnies from vaudeville with flowers that squirt water and chicks that are willing to flip up their skirts for a buck and stuff heh.