Saturday, September 20, 2008

Don't Worry, Steve's DNA Is On Our Side

That show was the last time I watched Colbert.

Yah, seriously, I saw that on TV, and then I was thinking about what would be funny to say about it, and I realized that that was the last time I ever watched Colbert.

I used to love Colbert.

But that show kinda made me sick.

And I didn't really think about it too much at the time, y'know how we sorta automagically block painful memories and stuff so we can continue on with grits-n-gristle of day-to-day survival?

But now that I've gotten some distance from it, I think I'll be able to talk about it some, without bursting into tears.

Yah, see, when I saw that, I had a vision.

Oh yes.

A vision of Richard Garriott's DNA being picked up by aliens who used it to produce a clone army of blue leather-catsuit and whip-wearing Richard Garriotts, an army of guys that look sorta like a cross between Chuck Norris (without the muscles) and a Magician from the 70s, an army of Creepy Kings in Futuristic Latex that the aliens could use to take over the Earth and rule the world.

A Richard Garriott Apocalypse.

And I understood what Colbert was doing there, 'cause he realized that the Earth's only hope against such a nightmarish turn of events would be for him to make a latch ditch effort to get in there and make friendly with Richard Garriott and his Handservants, to make sure that the aliens had a sample of Colbert's DNA, too, so that they might also be tricked into creating a clone army of Colberts, one that us human freedom fighters in the Resistance could rally to our cause and use to turn back the tide of Richard Garriotts.

It was a great personal sacrifice for Colbert, 'cause he knew that I would never watch his show again, after he seemed to turn on us like that, in order to go undercover.

Hang on, I need a moment to compose myself, the memories are starting to... get to me *sniffle*

Okay, I think I can continue.

Anyways I applaud his heroism.

From a distance.

Okay, okay, I'm just jealous.

But I don't have a lot of time for TV, so I just watch Craig Ferguson, y'know, for the news.

Maybe one day I'll tell you guys the time-traveling parallel universe demonic possession black hole laser apocalypse story that explains why nobody on the internet spells "Fergusen" with any consistency.

Its for his own protection.

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