Saturday, September 20, 2008

Lord of the Apes

Elephants blow water out their nose, y'know?

That's gross.

Its especially gross when they wash themselves in stuff they blow out of their nose.

S'like they're blowing their noses into their own armpits and over the tops of their own heads and cleaning behind their ears with the stuff.

Cooling themselves off with their own mucus or whatever.

Hey man, I don't care how hot you are, buddy, that'd be some gross ass shit if I did it.

Rubbing mucus into my skin and going "ahhhh that's better! I was so hot! And now that I've slicked myself up and gotten myself all nice and slippery, I'm going to latch my jaws onto your face and suck your brain out through your nose and eat it!"

Yah see, its all freaky like that.

Unless I was an elephant.

'Cause humans actually clap for that stuff, they even laugh when the elephants squirt human beings.

With liquids from their nasal passages.

Liquids that have been sitting in their long, gross-ass tubes fulla dirt and slimy wires and hairs.

And they say that elephants are all smart and junk.

So its like, you know they know what they're doing.

Blowing their noses on all the humans and laughing at the way the humans get all happy when they do it, as if they were a sprinkler or busted open fire hydrant or something.

They must think that we're idiots.

Elephant better not try to pull that shit on me, man.

Its the same thing with whales and their blowholes, y'know.

"Thar she blows!"

And then people wanna swim with them.

I'm not swimming in that stuff that came out of their noses, man!

Meanwhile, if I hock a gob, nobody claps.

Nobody wants to celebrate their connection to nature and dance under the glittering spray of one of my sneezes.

Nobody gets the sudden impulse to swim with me in a foamy puddle of my own mucus.

Or take a shower in that shit like Tarzan.

Yah, Tarzan, our embassador to the jungle, "he knows the animals!"

Meanwhile the elephants are all like, "omfg I can't believe he's letting you do that to him! I think I'm gonna puke!"

What an idiot.


Well, okay.

We do tend to clap and laugh and dance around a little when a human blows milk out of their nose.

Or coffee or whatever.

Or when somebody does a good spit-take.

And you can't get the "misting" effect if you ain't willing to fire some of that crap out of your nose.

Yah, y'know, a spit-take where the guy just horks the water right back out of his mouth in a stream ain't funny, that's just gross.

For some reason.

I dunno.

Well, I think its like watching a rich kid puke in that awkward rich kid way that they do everything else.

Y'know, s'like watching something pretending to be human, just to fit in with the gang and make folks laugh, and then halfway through the routine they realize that they can't go through with it, and then they get all scared that everybody is gonna figure 'em out, and they end up doing shit that's even more gross than a human would do, 'cause its so awkward and unnatural, and its totally uncomfortable and not funny at all for everybody involved.

Its like it starts out as comedy, gets disgusting, and then it ends with medical concerns and pity or something.

Way to ruin it, rich-boy!

Good times!

Milk coming out of an android's nose isn't funny!

Well, whatever, I guess we aren't that weird.

But still, laughing at a spit-take and wanting to take a shower in it are two different things.

So Tarzan is still an idiot.

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