Saturday, September 27, 2008

Eat the Rich

The rich people need our help.

Oh sure, you're unemployed, the house you are paying for is worth half of what you still owe on it, your town is flooded with toxic waste, you can't leave because gas is so expensive, food prices are soaring and malnutrition is rampant, all the money you put toward your retirement got spent by somebody on coke and hookers, you don't have any health care, your educational system sucks, your kids are under constant surveillance, you're at war with ten or more countries that you probably couldn't even find on a map, there's terrorists everywhere, and the earth is melting.

But even with all that, we haven't been heartless and selfish toward the rich, we've provided the rich with all sorts of loopholes over the years, we've provided them with the time and materials to hire lobbyists and bribe officials with extravagant parties and gifts, and we don't even think to ask 'em for as little as a thank you.

But the loopholes we provided for them aren't enough, and our political system has failed, the politicians they hired turned out to be idiots, and now there's nothing left in your retirement fund to steal!

You don't understand the seriousness of the problem, rich people don't know how to take care of themselves, y'know, you may be comfortable living an post-apocalyptic wasteland where civilization is a thing of the past and rats are good eating, 'cause you're all resourceful and adventurous and stuff.

But these people need to solve all of their problems with money, and they're completely unequipped to deal with the vulgar details of day to day living that you peasants find so enjoyable.

So for only three hundred and fifty dollars a day, slightly less than it costs to fill up your tank with gas, you could adopt a rich person.

And let your show of heartfelt support give these poor unfortunate souls who are medically incapable of considering anything but their own self-interests the chance they need to get back on their feet and go dormant while you figure everything out and fix everything so we can all start cannibalizing your future again together.

Don't let their parents be the last to do it, that'd be like, totally unfair.

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