Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Say D'babydoyouwannalaydownbymyside

New Version of Mustard&Biscuits.

*took away the high level troops I was giving out at start-up now that I tested city sieges and stuff a bit (if you play the game too fast you really have to start cheating for money a lot to pay for upgrading everything)

*made Swadians all sword and board, y'know, no more glaives, I thought it made 'em look too barbaric and they're supposed to be the Advanced Society.

*changed their shields to something better

*gave 'em back their heavy armored horses and gave their recruits crossbows (no more throwing knife guys)

*gave recruits broadswords instead of whatever that broken model dagger or shortsword was that they were using heh

*added cheezy dialogue for all the companions and tavern keepers and other weirdos one finds in taverns for comedic relief (they weren't doing nothing before now heh)

*made them all change locations every 24 hours instead of every 3 days (so you don't have to wait fer that)

*didn't do any dialogue stuff for anybody else (most everybody else already has some dialogue)

*made village upgrades unlimited (don't know if that's a good thing over the long run or not really I've been watching but its sorta hard to tell with the way the entire thing shifts when you conquer a new sytem and the two economies flow together and merge)

*y'know sometimes I add periods on the end of these bullet points and sometimes I don't

*there's prolly some little stuff I did that I don't remember

Man I was playing it and its truly hilarious when Dave gets hit in the head with an arrow and he falls off his horse and does the splits with ragdoll physics, its kinda cheezy physics if you really stare at it, its like Dave's body is made entirely out of water balloons as it gets ejected and bounces down the hillside.

If you get Big Tuna early on he's pretty awesome y'know 'cause he's a Mounted Heavy Machinegun Crossbow Guy who ain't too bad with that broadsword either.

I was making each of us good at a different thing, like OBA is Polearms, Big Tuna is Crossbow, Dave is the Archer, Churchill is Polearm but he's only equipped with that Jousting Lance so hopefully his AI decides to joust more.

Churchill is actually the toughest 'cause at least he comes with some armor he usually survives the first few seconds on the fight (unlike the rest of us who get torn to shreds EVERY TIME man my guy doesn't even come with shoes some of us don't even MAKE it to the enemy line we either get pelted off our horse by arrows or our horse gets shot out from under us and THEN we get pelted to death with arrows heh).

I hope that shit don't work like Electronic Voodoo Dolls or something y'know with like all these people getting electronic sculptures of us pincushioned with arrows all the time and stuff man that will really suck Ole Bald Angus gets knocked unconscious every time I fight anything ahaha.

Dude even our horses have ragdoll physics they call it the "jellyhorse physics" AHAHA MAN there's a lot of planets that you could have been born on where the aliens never think up anything cool like THAT now I mean C'MON you gotta give us hairless carnivorous apes some CREDIT for THAT shit AHAHA.

Hang on I'll upload it and do the links.

Its kinda funny I got all these bullet points but it seems like I spend all my time looking through my own shit for typos ahaha.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

My Big Pickle

Welp I got towns conquerable through castle fights.

That AI stuff in native wasn't doin' it fer me baby I tried like three times to get my team to siege Downtown and they just wouldn't stick with it they just couldn't concentrate.

I was playing the Rhodoks so maybe they programmed their AI real bad on purpose to be a factional thing what the hell do I know ahaha.

So I got rid of all that town siege stuff and I replaced it with nice quick player-versus-castle fights y'know you win the fight at the castle boom the town is yours heh.

And I gave towns "trade" upgrades where they produce more tools and stuff that villages will want to buy so I can collect the tax money heh.

And I think the whole map might be conquereable now but that will take a long time and be a LOT of fights man with buggy AI man ahaha.

Well I give all the starting choices like 80 troops to start with now 'cause I'm sick of going around looking for more troops when I'm testing to make sure I didn't mess up anything with towns in my programming heh.

Now you can play on a more "galactic" and "macrocosmic" scale baby 80 troops OMG!!!

Hah and then like five minutes into the game I'm like damn I NEED MORE TROOPS to STATION AT ALL THE CASTLES ASAPOMFG!!!

I been testing the thing all morning and I still haven't made sure my "unlimited upgrade" code works.

S'pose I ought to do that.

My Skeletons Dressed Up As Michael Jackson For Halloween are working perfectly.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Oh Hellyah

New Version of Mustard and Biscuits Edition.

Replaces the castle and village in the middle of the map with a city, gives you tons more renown.

You need to go to the camp menu and turn cheat mode on to get your fellow lords to siege Downtown.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Not Enough Raz Mataz

Alright I just tested my crap and I think its working (I redid the way I granted boons for housing upgrades a little, I added some Big City Hungers as a village gets bigger).

Man I could do anything with this add a police department and a fire department and a Church with a Fancy Painted Ceiling and Chuck the Snowplow Operator ahaha.

Now what I want to do is add one more city, right in the middle.

I'll get rid of that Vincoud Castle and the village of Nemeja will go bye bye and I'll put a city there instead.

'Cause whoever controls that city and all the castles and villages around it will be an economic badass, and then, if your villages are good, you'll feel it in your main city, and you'll have way more money to spend on junk.

Yah I think I'm gonna do a thing where if you get two villages to Rank 5 in everything, then you can found a city in the middle on an anicent indian buriel ground ahaha just kidding no really.

I think I can figure out how to make an invisible city appear magically at the right time heh.

That'd be cool though.

Maybe I could use those Seneschal guys and give you lords and everything I gotta go take a look at that.

Shoe Maker

Alright so I added this "population" variable to all my villages.

And I assigned it a random number between 150 and 200 or something like that for starters.

And then I made it randomly rise and fall some amount, like -5 to 5, every twenty four hours, to make it look "organic" or something I dunno ahaha.

Anyways every time you look at it in the game (which is only after you get granted a village), you can watch the population of your village go up and down a random amount every day.

The number gets updated as the Villagers leave to trade in the city.

You might have a streak where you lose people seven days in a row its random y'know its not attached to anything there's nothing you can do to it ahaha.

Oh yah, so I did that, and then I tested it, and then, in the middle of the night, I added a bit on to it, where whenever a Village Upgrade gets completed, it adds like 15-25 people to your village population (I made the Housing one count more).

And then it does that -5 to 5 thing at the new number every day.

And then I started adding some "townie" negatives to upgrading your village.

Like, the more people you got, the more food you need.

And the more "fancy" manufactured products you'll want.

And you'll need more "tools" to run a mine.

Y'know, stuff like that.

And I put all that stuff in there, in a surge of inspiration in the middle of the night, last night, and I don't hardly remember doing it.

Y'know its like the Shoemaker Elves did it for me.

And now I gotta test it and see if whatever I did worked.

I already got a thing in there that determines the number of recruits by the level of Housing Upgrades a town has, so I don't need to change that, 'cause that already "seems" like it works heh, but I could change the number of farmers or reinforcements there were in the little "Villager" party, and I could make the population go up and down depending on something in the economy, and then tie it to the NPC Lords, to control the size of their armies or something.

Sea Monkeys

I keep trying to remember all the games I played like Warlords and I can't even remember all their names goddam my head is so full of crap ahaha.

There was a game that taught me what "fog of war" was and I don't remember the name of that one but it was pretty awesome you had black knight dudes that upgraded and you conquered villages too I think but even if you look back with a photographic memory its pretty hard to tell what the hell those Atari Icons were supposed to be ahaha.

Warlords had black knights AND dragons you could upgrade or some awesome shit like that, I remember the map for it was an island though, that's different than the fog of war one, where it was more land than sea.

It was a lot like Civilization but more medieval with sorcery and shit.

Oh man I think that was the one where you could have a party of like 12 wizards that would totally destroy everybody they fought heh.

Goddam organic memory ahaha.

I still don't think I could do fireball throwing wizards and lightning bolts and junk in Mount&BLade and that sucks 'cause man that would be absofrigginlutely kick ass in Mount&Blade y'know like Mag Glove ragdoll powers to throw corpses at your enemies and burning horses and stuff aw hellyah c'mon that'd be all kinds of drooly awersomes ahaha yah baby yah its so naughty.

But I can't do that stuff so forget about that and concentrate on the stuff I CAN do like fun Math Problems with Trains Heading East at one hundred and thirteen miles per hour and such.


Okay, so things I can do haha okay well that certainly narrows it down a bit.

Man I gotta think about how to simulate villages in a more interesting way.

I mean, what I really need to do is figure out what made Sea Monkeys sell, y'know, I mean, what was it that people saw in their Mind's Eye when they saw that Sea Monkey shit in a comic book, what was it they really expected, and then, once I figure that out, I copy that and I'm all good ahaha.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I'm Not a Redneck

When the number is busy for the pizza place, I'm all like, whoah, I hope nobody was injured.

And then I'm all like, not hungry ahaha.

Blood Drenched Monk To the Rescue

Rock Harder Than Your Friends

The Rocks Hit Harder Upgrade Is Out!

Come and Feel the Sting of My Rocks Now!


"That's not a stinging rock..."


"Ahh now THAT was a stinging rock that really hurt shit!"

"You are lucky you had a helmet!"

Complain About Painful Rock Expansion HERE!

Nothing For the Mentally Handicapped In This One Baby!



Careful there son that's a man-sized rock!

Character Creation Sucks

Alright I'm going back through my Character Creation thing and fixing it up, making sure everybody has the right starting equipment.

And I got to decide how much money and starting items to give to everybody for the different choices.

So I give the Vaegir Monks 10 denar, which is just enough money to commit a horrible sin in the Arena by making the smallest wager allowed.

And I took away their shoes and their gloves so they have to walk in the snow barefoot just like Grampa says He Had To and they have to carry that iron staff of theirs with their bare hands.

I figure that's how their grim god would start them out ahaha.

I let 'em keep their Green Woolen Stoner Lumberjack Caps to show them that I am a Benevolent God.

Plus you need a hat to protect your head with all those people throwing rocks in my game trust me ahaha.

Man that reminds me I gotta increase the damage rocks do when you get pelted with one heh.

Whatever, going back to my main thing, I gave the Nords 20 denar, which is enough for them to lose a bet and still laugh but not enough for them to still laugh and buy a buy so they better win the next bet AHAHA.

And I gave the Zinn 6000 denar, because they got Ali Baba's Gold baby, they can make big 1000 denar bets and lose a bunch of times and still have enough money to buy some cheese without having to reload the game like everybody else.

And I gave the Khergits 100 denar, which makes them the Richest of the Barbarians, the Lords of the Trailer Park, they can play just like the Zinn, if they pretend 10 denar = 1000 denar, but when it comes times to buy cheese, that's when they feel like they're losing half their money heh.

And I gave the Rhodok 9 denar, which means they'd be Loitering if they go anywhere near an Arena, they don't really have enough money to be evil so they pretty much always go to heaven that's why the Vaegirs like 'em ahaha.

None of this stuff really matters to the game 'cause as soon as you fight some River Pirates you see that I give you like 2900 denar for your part in running along behind the Sword Sisters while they kill them for you but I got to go through this stupid process so I might as well entertain myself with it.

What should I give the Swadians?

I'm gonna give them 600, 'cause then they go around feeling like they're rich until they find out how much the Zinn get and they're all like "shit man if I'm a poor barbarian I shouldn't have to wear tights" and I'm all like "nope too bad so sad you have to wear de Woolen Hose its a Rule" and then I laugh ahaha.

There, I'm done with that.

Monday, October 22, 2007


Ah, smell that fresh country air.

Its positively bracing.

So how much money did you lose?


Gambling is for Primitives, man.

This place is for savages.

This one time, I was caught by the Army of Darkness, y'know?

With only these six trusty swadian knife throwing lads at my side!

And so of course I am soon fighting the entire Army of Darkness all by myself!

And then my horse was cruelly murdered and exploded between my legs!

And then we were all treated to a sound bashing and much discomort!

And they bound us and they dragged us around in the dirt and stones for days and days and days before I finally noticed my chance to escape and took it!

And then I had to go back and fight them again and rescue my men and I got the wheel of cheese and the loaf of bread they took from me back too!

That's pretty fucked up when the Army of Darkness takes your wheel of cheese and your loaf of bread, and then you get them back, don't you think?

What where we talking about, anyways?

This Arena smells like the back of the monkey cage at the Zoo let's get out of here and rescue some peasant women or something man.

Friday, October 19, 2007

the MUSTARD and BISCUITS edition

Behold my Fine Army of Floating Rocks!

You need THIS (894 Version of Mount&Blade) Download it here.

You need THIS (Thing) Downloaded and Installed as well.

Mustard&Biscuits Source
You need Optionally Need THIS (Source Code) Downloaded if you want to knock yourself out fixing all the floating rocks I left for you to fix!

And THAT is just so that you can sit there and think your computer is broken for TEN WHOLE MINUTES while it loads all my Floating Rocks Up into the Air!

Mustard&Biscuit Thread
And then You Can Go Here and Take Out Your Frustrations on me and my Miserable-Ass Floating Rocks Show ahaha.

And if you REALLY wanna check out all my Floating Rocks in Style you can do it in Matrix Mode Bullet Time with the Hilariously Awkward ctrl-F9 Combination Toggle!

Village of Heating and Air Conditioning

Man I should just put a Dialer on all the towns and cities so I can dial their productivity up and down like a thermostat while I'm in the game and see if they get poorer or richer on the fly heh.

I got a way to turn it up I just don't have a way to turn it down, and I'm wondering if that's gonna be like the Mickey Mouse and the Broom Thing ahaha.

Maybe I should add plagues and draughts that lower the numbers on certain things so you gotta invest money to fix 'em.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Mechanical Breath Tubes

The last things I messed with was making the different kinds of upgrades for villages increase the productivity of the village.

Every time an upgrade completed (and I made them complete three times faster than they did in Native) it adds a random 0-9 to your villages productivity of certain items related to whatever the Upgrade was, like if you invested money into the Mill, you got more Flour and Bread in the Village Every Day.

I added a Mining thing so you can get your village to produce Iron and Salt.

I'm not totally sure if increasing production of an item will HURT you over the long run but that's the way I got it and I guess the Trick is to try to whip it into the shape I want ahaha.

I made all the Villages produce vegetables and raw materials, and I gave the manufactured stuff to the Big Cities, and then I split things up by Geography, so that Spice and Velvet comes from more villages in the South, and Furs and Iron comes from villages in the North, and I made everybody a little hungry for something so they'll all wanna wrassle with each other for bones in the dust.

That fur-spice thing makes the caravans do the Long Treck through the Noman's Land in the Middle, that's why I can't leave it where each Kingdom is Self Contained and produces exactly as much of every item as it needs every day, I could set the economy to that in like two minutes and the only thing I'd see moving are bits of code that found a way to squeek past my roadblocks and destablilize everything heh.

My Cities produce a constant +10 to this and a -30 to that, and those numbers do not fluctuation at all, Cities are like Giant Clockwork Machines, come back in thirty minutes and its still +30 to this and -20 to that, exactly the same way it was the last time you saw it, only now it generated money by collecting taxes as people came to trade with it and while my villagers go up and down with how much they want of everything, the People in the City Walk Up Every Morning the Exact Same Way and Want the Same THINGS in the SAME ORDER Every Day WITH NO CHANGES to ANYTHING 'cause THAT would mean MORE PAPERWORK ahaha.

Yah the funnest thing about this Economy Game Simulation junk is how messed up its Science is 'cause its so 2D with only a little 1960s 3D and Leave It To Beaver 9 Planets Science thrown in there, this Economic Math we're doing is Really Old and Two Dimensional with no Accelerations and Derivatives and stuff, like farmers produce Crops, and farmers trade their Crops in the City for Tools.

Jupitor and Saturn have like thirty moons spinning around 'em nowadays Old Timer.

The Programmer Guy who wrote most of this stuff actually counted how the population fluctuated in that Battle for Sicily Mod, so this thing I did ain't even really half as far as it could go as for adding on to its Already Quite Considerable and Officially Frightening Tee Minus to Launch.

"Welp there's only forty-five minutes to wait before the Big Launch."

"AW man forty five minutes of waiting around here that suhhhcks."

Electric Mustard

I made Woman Upgrade to Men.

Well I wasn't gonna leave it the way it was, where Men Upgraded into Women, that was just too fucked up and illogical and like Totally Against All Three Kinds of Science and stuff.

I would have had to pretend I was sacrificing the guy to the gods to get a woman in his place or something if I woulda had to do that Upgrade a Man to Woman thing.

Yah so my Nords start out as a Swedish Bikini Team and then they transform slowly over time into Guys With Beards and Axes and Naked Chicks on Horses.

I woulda done The Classic Sarge Strip Tease, where your Amazon Woman Got More and More Naked as She Levelled Up, if I woulda had more parts to play with, but I din't, so they're just running around in leather armor bikinis all the time.

I did mention that my mod should not be tested on pregnant women and children with creepy little arms and Electromagnetic Diseases, right?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Hopefull I didn't fuck up the Installer Thingie ahaha.


I am like the snake, hypnotizing you with my oogley woogley hypno-eyes.

In Real Life you can't have an economy where everybody gets 20% richer every day.

Or can you?

Eventually some of us are gonna have to be put in Pods because there'll be too many of us and not enough room and being awake will be a luxury item that you have to camp mobs for, and everybody will be bald because Master Control doesn't like wasting his clock cycles on having to clean our hair out of all the nooks and crannies of the Real World, but let's say we had unlimited room or that we put the Bald People Pods on spaceships and sent them to other planets where there'd be more room and we could look at everything from a place outside of the regular flow of space and time like I can with this game I'm fooling with where we only care about when starsystems trade back and forth so the whole "getting there" time is "skippable" since there's no communication.

When I do the economy in this thing at first I made each country its own island, where it produced enough of everything and worked like a biodome, thinking that a fluctuation over time due to npc bandits or a typo or something like a Neo Remainder Problem in my Matrix would cause it to be less predictable than it is and there'd be something they'd want extra, but now I'm just making north side places produce extra iron and south side places produce spice so there'll be a little more cross country trading for spice from the south and iron from the north and it'll make it all dramatic.

The main cities all make tools, pottery, wine, and ale, and need 20% more of everything else.

The suburbs make either linen and velvet or spice/iron and salt, and need 20% more of everything else.

And the villages all produce a 0-9 percent surplus of food and grain and wool and furs and stuff like that.

I think mebbe I need to give my villages a little more than that 0-9 surplus or I'll operate at a perpetual loss until the Big Cities are out of money and food, the villagers need to be a bigger part of the economy than Zero that's for sure what are they a bunch of hillbillies that live Off the Grid in the woods or something?

I need their tax money baby!

I could control how rich a country is by changing how much it produces of something and trying to find the sweet spot where it keeps the price high and doesn't create a surplus.

And then everybody can have a 5% raise and work 5% less every year until they don't have to work anymore haha.

Man this is kinda fun.

I gotta dial things up and down with how much they produce, too, I think 300 is too much, I think I should set it to something like 30 maybe, zero is "produces just enough" and anything less than zero means they need to buy that from outside to have enough for everybody inside.

I gave all the towns -20 in foods (and -20 in wine and ale except Main Cities which made a surplus of 300 heh), and villages and a 0-9 percent surplus of foods and raw materials to trade for manufactured and processed items, and the game was exactly like it was before, except the merchant caravans were making mucho cash like 4000 denar a load and stuff ahaha.

I'm gonna make sure all the villages have at least 9% liquid cash (and get rid of the possibility of some zero sum economy hillbillies ahaha) and lower how much surplus I put on stuff to see if it drives up the money but creating a small perpetual demand.

Oh man there's a Secret Smoked Fish Bonus for the Nords and the Zinn, 'cause they're the only countries with ocean access and they're allied together, I wonder if them having two villages each that produce more smoked fish than usual will actually make them poorer or richer over time ahaha.

Both of the Fish Bonus Villages are tied to the Main City so we'll see who ends up the poorest its gotta be SOMEBODY haha.

I'm gonna make the Rhodok really poor ahaha.

Man if you ride a horse into a pile of my Rhodoks you are dead fricking meat evern with all the cheats on you gotta hit ctrl-h for heals like a madman to survive bad tactics like that.

I jacked up the strength of weapons by reducing armor to the way I remember it in the old days so arrows do a little better, nobody has a 100 hit points and arrows do a pretty heft chunk to a heavily armored guy.

Oh man I made it so you can use sniper crossbows while riding a horse.

Maybe I can make 'em reload as fast as bows, lemme see.

Hey man I like these fights where there's all these arrows flying over my head ahaha.

I wanna change staves to be like a sword so you can swing the stick all ninja style back and forth swishitty shwack.

Hey man I could add smugglers who try to avoid paying taxes that you could kill.

Man I could mess around with the faction of the tower in the middle, or maybe make a rich and highly contested city there in the middle instead of just a castle.

I can't add more castles I don't think, 'cause I'd need to add more villages, and I don't got any more slots for the merchants that make villages run.

I'd have to get rid of four kinds of bandits or something to add two castles and two villages.

Maybe I could get rid of all the king's wives, I don't use that family code for anything, I dunno if it cares if it don't work, there's like 18 wives or something I could get rid of, then I could add a village and castle to each corner and have a few left extra ahaha.


Alright, how about Moustache Network Edition.

Or Mount&Blade: Mooth And Thquirrel Edithin.


Or The White Mouse Is On the Loose Productions.

Or Hairless Baby Monkey Boilers Productions.

The Violence to Horses in this picture was brought to you by the Fine Folks at the Scapegoat Production Island Corporation haha.



Millionaires Versus Billionaires


Moustache&Bleep what the Bleep is this Bleep Productions ahaha.

Ooh Mustard and Bologna.

Oh no its gotta be Mustard and Biscuits Edition ahaha.

"What we need is some scenes of people doing snowboarding flips wth some snappy bubble gum music and then BLAM we rip their fucking faces off with the axe guy in the goalie mask."

He Rambles On

Here's what I got in my version of M&B Native:

A New Map with Six Kingdoms

1. Swadian - heavy armor, mounted Knights, swords and shields, and crossbows, they're most Fashionable, they wear tights sometimes, for the appreciation of the ladies and whoever else might appreciate a good sweater and fashionably worn looking leggings and poetry and fine wine. They're allied with the Khergits.

2. Vaegir - heavy armor, mounted Templars, bardiches, axes, and bows, they're all the Sons of the Abbot, from many different mothers and villages. They start out wandering the game with a ragged pack horse, a heavy iron staff that punishes their sins with its cold weight, and a black robe of disgrace, after being cast out of the villages where they were raised for looking a little too much like the Abbot.

"Oh no, see, he has your red hair, darling!"

"He's bald as an egg! He just has that Don Johnson five oclock shadow thing going on that you can't get rid of!"

I think I might take away their bows and give 'em crossbows though.

They're allied to the Rhodoks through the Mining Men that keep them supplied with Iron.

3. Khergit- medium armor, everyone is mounted, katanas, spears, and bows, the Mongol Horde guys, everybody is mounted from birth and spends most of their life on a horse, their archers are totally out of control because of line of sight checks when they try to shoot if someone on their own team is in the way they charge in to help instead of risking a shot and they get chopped up. They're allied with the Swadians, there's the velvet and spice trade there.

4. Nord- medium armor, great axes, axes, spears, shields, throwing axes, and bows, they don't have horses but their Infantry throws axes (while Swadian and Vaegir Infantry don't throw anything.). They're allied with the Zinn, velvet and spice trade there, too.

5. Rhodok- medium armor, spears, shields, and bows. their infantry throw javelins, they sorta look like Scottish Miners with their Kettle Hats so I gave em military picks too. I took away the crossbow stuff they had in Native and gave 'em bows 'cause I couldn't imagine a spear guy with a buddy crossbowman, where I could see a Rhodok Sniper as a light on his feet woodsman with a spear and a bow. They're allied with the Vaegir.

6. Zinn - medium armor, scimitars, shields, voulges, and bows, I gave them the gold Khergit Armor that wasn't being used 'cause it looks a little too swishy for my Khergits ahaha. They got terrible bows I gotta fix that right now. They're allied with the Nords all 13th Warrior Style.

Every Kingdom has the same amount of Towns and Villages, one Main City (where the leader of the Kingdom lives) and two Suburbs.

The Vaegir start with an extra Castle and village in the center of the map, but aside from that everybody has the same amount of Castles (with attached support village) positioned at "gates" of the kingdom, which are usually the first things won or lost (although I've seen cities get sieged first too so its pretty random).

You get more renown per battle, with a minimum of 5 or 6 I think.

You get a hefty chunk of renown for fighting in all the different arenas (I totally redid the Arenas to be factional, so there's a Knight Arena with no Ranged, a Guard Arena with Throwing Weapons Sometimes, and a Archer Arena where everybody has bows or crossbows) so you can do that to get a ton (you need a ton for some things heh).

I added a lot of new troop types and troop trees and bandit spawns and stuff (spawns only spawn once a day if the thing they spawned was killed or captured or whatever but they can wander REALLY far from where they started).

I had to get rid of horse merchants (cause I hit the maximum amount of troop types you could have haha) and so I put horses for sale on the Goods Merchants, and I added a lot of new troop types.

I redid all the clothes for everybody in every town but I didn't mess with most of their faces to make them look like they come from whatever town it is they live at.

I added files for all the villages and fixed that up so that you can edit them in Edit Mode with ctrl-E and it will save your changes.

I enabled the cheat mode so you can do crazy experiments and play with a boat and command other parties to follow you and attack and stuff 'cause that's fun and you might as well have it on all the time 'cause you never know when you'll want to use it.

The only bad thing is that the game takes like five minutes to load already and I still ain't done messing with it heh.

Yah its like the Last Days man ahaha.

I was in the middle of specifying what each town and village produces and needs (instead of having it be sorta random, y'know, to make it more realistic), but then I started wondering what a Starving Town would be like, so I started making Sargoth into a Starving Town where it didn't have enough of anything (-30) but it had a surplus of Tools (+30), just to see what would happen, when I came here.

Well, actually I was a little deeper, I was setting all the Suburbs to be (-20) starving, and wondering what I should be setting Suburbs at, when I came here haha.

Yah, and then I was gonna make all the villages be (0) Not Starving but (-30) Hungry for Tools and Cinnabons or something from the Suburbs ahaha.

Yah, and now I gotta see if it will compile and then I'll have to fix all my typos and brain farts and fuckups AHAHA.

Oh man, I wanted to make different farmers and villagers of each faction, to fight with when you defend a town, but I didn't do that yet.

I know where to do it, though, I marked the spot with an X, I'm a code pirate and I know where all the treasure is buried first thing ahaha.

I think I gotta set up the economy first and make sure it works before I'd know what they'd look like.

Man maybe I should look at that crafting mod and see how that works, it'd be cool to have a village that produced Katanas or something that you could "help" get better at making katanas, and have all the item be distributed through the world like that.

Holy shit that'd be a lot of item editing though.

Hmm, it'd be cool to see Khergit Items for sale in Khergit Areas, I gotta think about that, I mean, I could go so far as to use a variable for the type of armor troops use, like I do for the guys in the arena, so you could change it "on the fly" if you didn't like what I picked ahaha.

Man that'd be a lot of typing too.

I wanna make all the stuff like furs and wool and food come in from the villages and processed goods be sold at the suburbs and have Tools be distributed from the Main Cities and then have Spice and Velvet be produced in the Rich Places and wanted by all the poor places.

If I get it set up right, I can get to a spot where I can can edit JUST the items file to monkey with the economy by making something worth more or less money and the rest of it will cascade in a predictable pattern from there (AHAHA I HOPE IT WORKS BUDDY KEEP DREAMING AHAHA).

I still haven't figure out how to use the thing I need to use to make it into an Easy Install Program but I could just zip it und let you unzip it where ever you got yer Modules folder, the only difference there is how smart one of us is with a computer, either I gotta get smarter first or you do ahaha.

Maybe I could get the guy that wrote the Easy Install Thing For Your Thing to make one of my things for me.

I think he runs that Module Repository place, maybe he can even do the download of the whole thing and the Source Code and whatever.

Maybe we can get him to do some other stuff for us too, like make us some scrambled eggs and pancakes and crispy bacon and breakfast sausage soaking in maple syrup, or, I dunno, whatever.

Yah maybe I should see what I gotta do to get a login to that place.

Dude I need an Icon for Tobacco.

I can't just use Cabbage all the time haha.

Oh I'm just kidding I didn't do anything with that I got enough headaches ahaha.

My game does have Stoners who are guys in pilgrim clothes that throw stones really hard, they're from the Vaegir Woods.

They got Witches up there too, their Master Archer guy is called a Witch Hunter, I think I might give him a sniper crossbow instead of a bow, though.

They got Templars for Knights and their infantry are called Crusaders.

Swadians are Royales With Cheese, moustaches, fine wine, beautiful ladies, swords and poems.

Khergits are the Ghengis Khan Guys.

Nords are the Vikings, they got a Berserker line, a Warmaster with a Shield who throws axes, and Longbowman.

Rhodok are a cross between an Elf and a Hobbit and a Dwarf, they're miners who become Guardians, spearmen who become Impalers, and archers who become Snipers, with no cavalry, 'cause dwarves hate horses. I gave 'em all spiked red hair, moustaches, and those kilt looking things.

And the Zinn are a little Arabian Nights flavored, with scimitars and voulges, they coulda been a little more Arabian looking than I made them, but I didn't really want to say that they were really supposed to be somebody from history when nobody else really is.

I didn't use any new artwork, I just rearranged the stuff that was there, and put more of it up for sale, and added "good" versions of things like bows and crossbows and "watered steel" versions of swords.

Man I can't wait to see the results of my Economy Fundamentals Experiments, I wanna know how I should do it, should I set a town to starving, with like a surplus of one thing, or should I give them a mix of surpluses and cravings, and at what level should I do it, Main City, Suburb, Vilgage, y'know?

I think the way I got it now my Suburbs are gonna be super rich and my Main Cites will be starving heh.

I can make Suburbs hungry, or not hungry, or producers of a thing, those are the options.

Same with Towns and Villages.

I got it set to Tools from the Main City and nowhere else, something special like Wine and Velvet from the Suburbs, and food and furs and stuff from the peasants, who don't have any of the processed stuff, but I could change it around to anything.

There's bandits that'll attack villagers and there's even some npc parties that will protect 'em so that can really slow them down as they try to run back and forth to the city once per day to trade and that's where all your tax income comes from so that's the incentive to keep your lands free of bandits every day heh.

The cheat mode tells you how much money all the towns and suburbs and villages and merchant caravans are making.

Oh yah there's caravans that will make more money the faster they are and the less they're kept from their routes too, I'm not sure how they'll work on the economy, but they buy things in boundles of 100 Units, so like, in their inventory, where you see 1 Dried Meat, its actually 100 Dried Meat to the cities they trade with.

And the npcs lords on your side use that money to buy troops.

Welp, I'm gonna go see whether making Sargoth Hungry makes it more aggressive ahaha.

Indoors and Outdoors

You could walk to a place where the sky was blue and the birds weren't afraid to sing.

Some place where you could take your coat off and sling it over your shoulder and leave your sword in your pack.

And there might be some friendly peasant folk there having a picnic.

And they might ask you to join them for a high quality backyard barbecue dinner experience with all sorts of homegrown vegetables and spices and if yer lucky you might even play a little of whatever is the local primitive screwhead equivalent of frisbee.

Well these people won't even be able to read and write, and they don't have any knowledge of electricity or all the TV Shows there will be to watch in the Future, so they're pretty limited in the conversation department.


You could play inside.

And you could lead a charge of faithful men on heavily armored warhorses into the arms of an evil army of darkness with ragdoll physics.

If you wanna play indoors.


You could go to both places and check them out a little, both indoors and outdoors, to see who was laughing more and who had all the good spots to sit and stuff, and make your choice that way, that's what I did.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Dungeons & Draggins

Tuna is saying he don't wanna have to do research to understand the shit I write about dungeon's & dragons.

That's the only time you get to use that `&' key combo on your keyboard besides M&Ms and Bartles&James ahaha.

He's asking "is dungeons & dragons the thing with the black guy, the chick, the midget, and the wizard?"

And then he's like "the black guy is the wizard, right?"

And I'm thinking about the super smart black wizard guy that was the nemesis of Conan.

The guy who summoned demons from egypt.

Amon Thule or Thoth Amon or something.

Hard to believe the guy who wrote that stuff was a tall tale cowboy who shouted out the words as he wrote that shit at his mother's house in Texas.

And then I think about how James Earl Jones played the Thulsa Doom in the movie and he could bend people to his charisma and turn them into his slaves and he shoulda been Darth Vader under there when they took off his helmet but that would've made Luke a half-black guy and George Lucas din't want to do that so he editted the thing together to give a wrinkly old white guy this kick ass black dude voice.

Talk about a missed opportunity to look as good as the guys who did Star Trek, y'know?

Star Trek always makes Science Ficiton look good with that shit.

With Ohara in her fucking go-go outfit awyah holy shityah man.

Roddenberry gets all this credit and George Lucas turns a black guy in a helmet into a white guy when you take off the helmet its so sad really ahaha.

Tuna says he is a Sherpa.

Tuna is insinuating that he was some tibetan shepherd guy and Dave was his goat in a past life.

You only have that one goat for milk 'cause you know why people don't drink sheep milk and he likes goat cheese.

You get Delicious Dave Cheese from Dave the Goat.

Shake & Bake oh there's another one of those `&' ones.

I was a White Devil summoned by a Wizard in Egypt that got out of hand like that cartoon with Mickey Mouse and the Brooms.

And then Dave said no he was a blacksmith.

Not everyone is named after a career but he says he was ahaha.

And now Tuna is lighting Dave's sock on fire with that Colonial Space Marine Hand Torch that you are supposed to use to weld doors and metal chairs together against Aliens.

I'm gonna show 'em what I got for the Moustache Edition of Mount & Blade ooh there's another one of those `&' things.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Shahazeeba Musafeeba

Oh man I was laughing my ass off trying to come up with Arabian-ish sounding names for the towns and crap in my M&B thing, y'know, like Shahalamabeeb-musaheeb-mahazeeb and shit, and I was starting to get into that dangerous area where yer laughing so hard you might rupture something, y'know?

Reminds me of my Hindu buddy tellin' me that him and his little street-urchin pals in India used to imitate english by adding "ing" on to the end of all their words heh.

Its "Ing-lish" ahaha.

So whatever, I decided to use the internet for some help and so of course I learned a lot of serious shit that I didn't want to know and then I found this kickass Arabian Nights thing.

I like that guys introduction, man, he's such a cock about translating shit but he's cool heh.

I never knew that translating it was so impossible and that nobody has the complete thing and its supposed to be the Thousand and One stories half-told by the wife of this king to keep him from executing her, where she'd leave the stories hanging so he'd have to let her live to hear the rest of the story tomorrow, that's kick ass.

What About Purple

If you are red-green color blind, then what does the color orange look like to you?

Haha I'm just kidding you can't actuallly explain it to me because you are all defective and shit.

It must be really weird to eat gray-colored fruit all the time though, y'know?

Although I guess its not weird to you, because you've been eating that gross-ass gray fruit your whole life.

Oh wait, I'm getting it messed up.

Grass is the same color as blood to you guys, its not all shades of gray.

Yah see I was trying to think of apples and limes being different shades of the same color and I got messed up.

Hey man, its really hard to imagine it that way, y'know?

That's why I used that grayscale crutch there for a second.

Whew, so, I guess gray fruit is still pretty gross even if you are color-blind, then?

See, that's still pretty fucked up, because pink and light green are the same to you guys, right?

So everybody has green lips and green-shot eyes and green tongues and shit to you.

All us pink people are kinda greenish looking to you, suntans are green and everything, actually.

And you can't tell if a guy is an alien when he starts to bleed green blood and stuff either.

Man, that is a pretty goddam grim universe!

Hey, don't you start yellin' at me, man, you're the one that's all fucked up, y'know?

I'm just trying to help you ahaha.

"What is this color red that you speak of? We do not have this color in my country."

Thursday, October 11, 2007


Y'know, you can make stuff, and you might be great at making stuff.

And you might be some kinda renaissance man who is great at making all sorts of different stuff.

And you might even be great at making stuff that you don't even particularly like heh.

And you might even be handsome with killer sideburns and a really sexy voice on top of it ahaha.

But in order to make something that is truly awesome in my mind, y'know, like that Name of the Rose movie, or the Cadfael series, you need a humongous fucking shitload of guys who are great at making stuff like that, all working together.

You ever seen the credits to the Name of the Rose?

That thing is like ten thousand names long, there was like five hundred dialogue coaches and shit ahaha.

That's really what I think George Lucas is all about, y'know?

I mean, let's face it, he can't write a line of dialogue that doesn't make you wanna claw your way out of your own skin to escape from it.

And the names of his characters are totally retarded, Count Dookoo, I mean, c'mon, like, that's even better than something I'd think up if I was trying to be stupid on purpose ahaha.

And although there ain't nobody on Earth that can do a better race car chase scene than him, you gotta give him that, (James Cameron is only about half as good, and he's more than twice as good as the next guy, so that's really saying something), if it wasn't for the four hundred other super geniuses (including the dude that designed how everything looked, and the special effects guys, and that sound genius, and all the original actors like Harrison Ford and shit) that put all their stuff into Star Wars, it woulda sucked.

Well, mebbe it wouldn't have totally sucked but it'd be a lot more like the original Battlestar Galactica, probably.

The thing is, its like totally fucking impossible to get a bunch of geniuses like that together and make them work together, and that's what George Lucas is really a genius at.

He didn't design the Storm Troopers or the Millenium Falcon or anything, y'know?

But he did get somebody to do that for him, and he got the guy to put the sound effects to the lightsabers and the John Williams to write him some music and however many musical genius dudes it takes for John Williams to play his music.

So when I think about whether I could make something awesome myself, I usually get about as far as comparing the shit I would want to do to something like Night of the Living Dead or Monty Python's Flying Circus, and then I think, shit man, there's no fucking way I could do anything that good without a shitload of different kinds of super geniuses helping me, y'know?

Not all by myself, no fucking way, not even if I am the equivalent of four or five regular super geniuses who don't have my Split Personality Advantage heh.

So why even bother.

Meanwhile a bunch of goddam cartoon characters can work together and produce the entire works of Shakespeare eventually if they just keep throwing monkeyshit at the wall long enough.

And really, when I think about it, every great thing I ever had anything to do with was more like that, y'know?

Definitely more Thousand Monkey Style and not so much that some particular guy was a super genius that deserves all the credit for it or something.

Which is where I see a lot of game dev guys going wrong, they all seem to have that Evil Super Villain "You''ll see! You'll all see! Muahaha!" thing going on or something, you hardly ever hear or see anything about anybody working together with nobody, y'know?

Not like the Monty Python guys did.

Which is how you need to do it, to do anything really good, I think.

Who is gonna pick the fucking music?

Even if you just steal the music from somewhere heh.

Are you a genius at that?

I'm sure everybody is gonna just love my Medieval Adventure Game with the Cameo Soundtrack and the Red Cod Piece of Vanquishing.

But I know, game dev guys can't work together, y'know, 'cause the only thing that makes 'em different from each other is what they think is their Top Secret Ultimate Game Design Thing or something, and the Other Game Devs might wanna steal it.

Meanwhile I give away ten ideas better than that thing you got a month and it don't seem to hurt me none, has it?

Oh sure some dude in China is making my zombie tag game but I told you that was never gonna work longterm heh.

And everybody knows what your Top Secret thing is anyways heh.

Gawd fer a bunch of Super Geniuses you are all so retarded sometimes ahaha.

Yah that's prolly not something George Lucas would say but at least I can write a fucking line of dialogue that doesn't make half the people get up and leave the room AHAHA.

Well, I mean, if I really put my mind to it AHAHAHA.

Okay mebbe not.

Here, think about it like this, if every single semi-genius dude we ever heard of like Raph and The Brad and Dundee and Lum all the other guys and all their fans and the scientists and everybody just sorta lurking around the mmo game industry scene put their brains together, would they come up with anything as good as Aliens?

I think not.

I don't think they could do anything even half as good as Thumb Wars AHAHA.

I think that guy from Ask A Ninja could take 'em all even if I held his arms behind his back AHAHAHA.

And that's if they all work together!

Call me an armchair-game designer or whatever, its all the same to me, its like telling me there's six different kinds of nothing ahaha.

Oh, I see, now its "just" a game AHAHA.

Starship Troopers mighta kinda sucked but it still took a Heinlein and a Doogie Howser and a bunch of math and computer science and special effects geniuses and at least one guy to think up the gory stuff that actually made me laugh every once in a while.

We might have a humongous surplus of Doogie Howsers and gory joke guys layin' around but we ain't got even half of a Heinlein.

And that's just what we'd need if we wanted to do something as good as Starship Troopers!

For the love of mike, man!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Mount&Blade Moustache Network Edition

Sorry guys I just been goin' all Mad Scientist with this M&B modding stuff.

Made a couple new maps for the Native game where everybody ain't all jammed together and each faction has its own flavor of terrain, and then I figured out how to edit the cities and add new ones and generate fancy scenes and all that sorta stuff.

That was fun 'cause it was like torturing little AI rats in a maze to see if they were smart enough to figure out what I did and work with it.

They're pretty damn smart, actually, whoever programmed 'em has an interesting slant on the old Wandering Salesman problem, where they use curves... but... you guys prolly don't wanna hear about that ahaha.

And I added new upgrade paths and classes and rearranged all the gear and redid all the items in the game to try to balance shit out some and stuff, gawd that's a total pain in the ass.

Redid all the lords and kings and races too, made all the Rhodoks little Red Headed Guys with purple gnome hats and spiked hair and moustaches, made all the Vaegirs bald-headed lumberjacks, and all my Swadians wear tights heh.

And I screwed around with all the bandits and made some new kinds, right now I got 'em all turned off 'cause they're just a hassle when I'm trying to test something.

And I played around with the character creation thing so I could do anything I want with that, y'know, so you can start as one of the different races, instead of that thing they got.

And then my code got so scraggly-looking after all my experiments that I had to start over just to clean stuff up some.

And now I'm thinking about adding Mad Arabians as a sixth army to the game.

Or mebbe a race of Naked Amazon Chicks or a Necromancer Army or something, I dunno.

They sorta gotta be friends with the Vikings 'cause of the way things are arranged mathematically, so I thought the Arabian thing would fit 13th warrior style, plus its Desert and I ain't used that yet, but I could stick Amazons and Dead Guys in a desert too.

Mebbe I could make it a race of Naked Arabian Amazon Dead Chicks or something ahaha.

So whatever, all three of my brain cells have obviously been working together for once and since they're all focused on that there ain't nothing left to come here and blabber with lately.

And the only things I'd have to blabber about is that kinda junk anyways, y'know.

But I'm having fun and I ain't dead or nothing.

Mebbe I'll have something you can play with soon, if any of you guys besides Winst even play M&B, but I ain't really hit a spot where I'm slowing down on changing stuff around yet.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Dancing Cowboy Strikeforce

Here ya go Ex-B.

Here's s'more stuff from Primus, in case yer just stumbling through here and yer fresh off the boat from Easter Island or you just stepped out of a time machine or one of those cryogenic tubes from the 50s or you just wanna watch a lot of claymation cartoons and dancing hillbillies or something.

My Name is Mud
Sailing On the Seas of Cheese
Tommy the Cat
John the Fisherman
Mr. Krinkle
Lacquer Head
Devil Went Down to Georgia.

Its kinda funny that my little brother is all Ward Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver-looking, y'know, now, but his favorite band has always been Primus and he used to go around lookin' like a cross between a pirate and a court jester in high school heh.


Meanwhile their music usually reminds me of the alarms and sound effects that go off when you fuck around with the control panels of a nuclear reactor or a spaceship or somethiing.

"Oh shit! What'd I do?"

Its also kinda funny that I can understand the words better in the original Making Plans for Nigel than the Primus cover of it that I've apparently been misquoting at people when they're wasted for years ahaha.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Farmers and Townsmen

I'm still hacking the hell out Mount & Blade, redoing the troops the way I want 'em and stuff.

And for a minute there, I thought a farmer upgraded to a townsmen.

They don't upgrade to townsmen, they're equal to townsmen, both farmers and townsmen upgrade to village watchmen type guys.

I guess I thought they upgraded to townsmen 'cause I really was a farmer that upgraded to a townsman in real life.

Or at least that's how a part of me thinks of it.

But as far as fights go, I think I'd rather have a skull-crushingly strong farmer kid on my side than some city dude with a cup of coffee in his hand and a cigarette dangling from his lip heh.

And I don't care if the coffee guy says he knows karate, man, they all say they know karate and shit, and then every fight I ever seen between a farmer kid and a city kid is like watching a fight between a gorilla and a paper bag full of groceries.

Or a fight between a gorilla and a Big Headed Alien, aw hellyah.

Go ahead and give the alien a laser gun, so he can piss the gorilla off a little and burn some fur before the gorilla uses his teeth to open him up like a bag of chips.

Damn, I'd pay good money to see that shit,.

I'm telling you man, those gorilla fights are an untapped goldmine.

Yah, it really sucks that they're vegetarians, it'd be so much cooler if they were carnivorous.

Man, its too bad we killed off all the other carniviorous apes, if we woulda been thinking straight we woulda kept some around for entertainment purposes.

Mebbe we can use Science to fix that shit.

Wouldn't be the first time Science helped us correct one of the more obvious mistakes of the gods ahaha.

What the hell was I talking about originally anyways?

Some kinda farmer shit?

Aw who gives a crap about that stuff, there's no way a farmer could beat a properly trained genetically enhanced carnivorous war gorilla, even if he teamed up with that city guy that said he knew karate.

Now, a farmer guy, a city guy that says he knows karate, and a Big Headed Alien with a laser gun might just stand a chance, if they put their brains together and used the city kid's corpse as a distraction while the farmer kid used the Big Headed Alien's laser gun to put a blast into the bionic war gorilla's brain through one of its eyes.

Of course, that won't work if the war gorilla is wearing those mirrored shades that cops and helicopter pilots always seem to wear for some reason, 'cause then the laser blast will bounce right off.

Hmm, y'know, now that I think about it, its kinda weird that the same kinda guys that always wear those mirrored shades are the ones that usually have moustaches, what's up with that?

They prolly fight a lot of aliens or something.


How about polar bears versus sugically altered super goriallas!

I saw a show once where a polar bear couldn't even beat a walrus, though, so we'd need to wire a boat propeller to its head or something to keep things interesting, probably,

A New Bartles Graph

I'm super smart.

For a professional wrestler-looking guy.

So lemme explain the different types of players in Massively Multiplayer Online Games.

Its super simple.

See, pretty much everything that has to do with Massively Multiplayer Online Games has to do with whether you like it in the ass, or hate it in the ass.

Some people like it in the ass.

And other people don't like it in the ass.

And some other people really hate it in the ass.

For some people, having it in the ass is the worst thing that could ever happen to you.

And for other folks, it all depends on the delivery.

Some of the people who hate it in the ass, hate it in the ass so much that they think nobody should like it in the ass.

Not even wimmin!

Those are the Haters.

Some of the Haters don't even want anyone to talk about whether people like it in the ass or not.

And some of the Haters actually like it in the ass, but they think they shouldn't like it in the ass, and so they try to externalize their own guilty feelings in order to try to solve their own internal ass-liking conflicts by projecting it on others with the hope that somebody outside themselves will come along and set them straight.

That kind of Hater ends up talking about people liking it in the ass a lot, and if they talk about it too much, then they're in danger of becoming Roleplayers and Socializers.

So there's two kinds of Haters.

Some of the people who hate it in the ass actually do hate it in the ass, and yet they don't mind the people that like it in the ass.

Those are the Apathetics.

Some of the folks that would normally be considered Apathetic go around telling everybody how they don't mind people who like it the ass even though they don't particularly like it in the ass themselves, a little too much, and thus they become Roleplayers and Socializers too heh.

Some of the people who hate it in the ass actually prefer the people that like it in the ass to the people that don't like it in the ass.

And some of the people who like it in the ass actually prefer the people that hate it in the ass to the people that like it in the ass.

Those are the Explorers.

Some of the people who hate it in their ass actually pride themselves on their conquests of people who like it in the ass.

Those are the Achievers.

And there are some people who hate it in the ass that pride themselves on their conquests of people who don't like it in the ass.

Those are the Killers.

Some of the people who like it in the ass pretend they hate it in the ass, because they don't want any trouble with the people who hate it in the ass.

And some of the people who like it in the ass pretend they don't like it in the ass just because they're shy.

And some of the people who don't like it in the ass actually pretend they do like it in the ass, just to be funny or to seem fashionable or something.

Those are the Roleplayers and Socializers.

Some people hate it in the ass but they are willing to pretend they like it in the ass for money.

And some of the people who like it in the ass will make you buy 'em dinner and diamond rings and mink coats and stuff before they let anything into their ass, even though they like it in the ass, they're willing to suffer in order to control the supply to increase the demand.

Those are the Merchants.

So those are all the different types of MMO players.

Yer damn lucky there's some professional wrestler-lookin' guys like me that aren't afraid to finally spell it all out for you once and for all ahaha.