Saturday, September 20, 2008


It might surprise you to know that I, the Greatest Roleplayer Alive ('cause all the other ones have drown in mysterious accidents), am a horrible, terrible liar, when it comes time to actually lie about something.

Being able to do little song and dance numbers and funny voices and going off on crazy tangents to make folks laugh and being able to spin yarns and read minds and detect micro-changes in air density and stuff doesn't really lend itself to lying as much as you'd probably think if you weren't any good at that stuff.

I never lie.

I never lie 'cause I'm one of those guys cursed with that thing where everybody can read my mind.

Seriously, most of the time, when folks ask me a question, I don't even have to say anything, everybody can just reach right into my hat holder and get at whatever answers they need, its like living in the Village of the Damned and shit and being the only guy without any super powers.

But even if you never bother lying to yourself, or for yourself, you can still get stuck in positions where you've got to try to lie for somebody else.

Like when they tell you a secret that they don't want somebody else to know, and then it never fails that the very person that they don't want you to tell the secret to the most homes in on you at a party with a terrifyingly accurate line of interrogation (like a dude being careful with a djinni wish), as if he can see the secret through the skin of your forehead, and you're stuck, either lying, or telling him the secret.

And I always have to choose to lie, then, 'cause I'm from Chicago, and that's just how we have to do it, even though I know it ain't going to work heh.

And that's when my total disregard for the arts of deception really becomes apparent.

I think what happens is tied in to the way that everybody can read my mind, its like an extension of the same property.

Its like my brain has to work so hard, in order to lie, that it has to reverse polarity on all the vibes I emit, or something, its like the earth stops rotating as my brain grabs for traction, and everyone in the room can feel it, there's this horrible jarring sensation that runs through everybody's nerve endings, a collective inhalation of breath, an inaudible shudder as an electromagnetic pulse goes flashing invisibly through the room and makes everyone forget what they were doing, discussions stop dead, there's a horrible silence and stillness, everything freezes, and everyone, even people across the room, turn and look at me, standing at the source of all this discomfort, to see what the hell is causing such a humongous-ass disturbance in the force.

And I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.

That's what always happens, right before I manage to spit out the lie, whether its something tiny, like a "yeah" when I should've said "no," or something more complicated, like making up some stupid ass story to cover somebody's trail.

I can't even get away with an "I don't know," 'cause I always do know, and everybody knows that I do know.

And "I have no idea..." doesn't work for the same reason, I always have at least one idea, and its almost always the right one heh.

And nobody has ever fallen for one of my horrible-ass weak little lies, I'm so bad at lying that people have actually started smiling and laughing out loud at how horrible I am at it, I usually don't even get in trouble for it, 'cause people think I'm just trying to make 'em laugh or something, there's like no ill will or anything ahaha.

Haha man my eyes are watering from the stress of just thinking about it, that's how bad I am at lying!

Yah, actually my eyes are all watery like this 'cause I got some kinda wicked-ass flu or something, seriously.

But whatever, that's why you can be sure that I'm not trying to trick you, baby, I would never do that to you, I couldn't do that to you even you wanted me to, I just don't have it in me.


Sundry Chicken said...

Words such as quandary, internal conflict and epic tautology come to mind. Its been a long held belief of mine that everything on the internet is categorically a lie. I was never any good at these games of who is lying to you, the guy who is lying, the one who may or may not lie, or the one who is telling the truth. Clearly I cannot chose the first, nor the second, which leaves the third, but he is clearly selling non-organic soap as organic and pocketing the mark-up. Therefore they all must be liars.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Ain't that the truth ahaha.