Tuesday, September 23, 2008

What Is Good In Life

You people need some cheering up.

So I want you to imagine some hobbits.

Spending their entire day doing something related to the food they were eventually gonna get to eat, y'know, churning butter, taking care of animals, growing spices, perfecting recipes, making silverware, building booze barrels, baking bread, whatever.

That's all nice and everything, right?

And after a hard day of that shit, and a nice huge feast, they hang out on the porch in the fresh night air with a cool breeze moving through the trees and they eat desserts and smoke pipes and crack jokes and tell stories for a bit and they watch all the lights down there in town twinkle along with the reflections of the stars and everything on the lake or whatever.

Totally cool and smooth.

But they suck in bed, what with the weird little rubbery noises they make, and the way they're all inhibited and twisted, totally unable to express themselves and get comfortable and shit, its nothing but sheer sexual frustration there, the biting and hair pulling is actually the good stuff, there ain't no hobbits that know how to kick off their shoes and let their hair down and sink into each other with kisses, they seize up and freak out when they grab on to each other, their whole process of reproduction is all awkward and terrifying and unsatisfying and traumatizing to everybody involved, that's why Bilbo lived alone and never talked about it and shit man ahaha.

So don't be all jealous of the hobbits, man.

That's like being jealous of homeless people 'cause they get to go camping all the time.

Yah, Eating is only one of the Big Three.

Yah no, Shitting isn't one of 'em, Shitting sorta goes with Eating, I think.

Well, I'm not an expert or anything, y'know, so maybe you're right.

1 comment:

Sundry Chicken said...

Hmmmm, I'm unsure... does this sexual awkwardness mean Hobbits are more or less prone to watch porn? Cause then they gots some wicked fast internets down in the shire and they all gonna need some 1337 codin n innovashun n stuffs. max bandwidth ftw.