Saturday, February 21, 2009

Nascar Hillbilly Cyborg

Welp I ordered my new computer.

Some of it is currently on its way to Des Moines, Iowa.

And other parts of it are still sleeping in a warehouse in New Jersey, with no idea that they're going to be selected out of the pile to become the property of me.

Its awesome how you can track things nowadays, I mean, it'd drive me crazy, 'cause I hate waiting, but it would be kinda cool to see my stuff suddenly taking a wrong turn so that it ended up travelling all over world in the wrong directions, carried to exotic islands in the swamp on rafts and dragged by Yaks to strange places in the mountains, before showing up at my door covered in postal scribblings in ancient languages and cave paintings of extinct animals.

The parts that are on their way to Des Moines are probably in a truck right now, flying along on a snowy highway in a blizzard, while the truck driver and some skanky-looking hitchhiker he picked up at Denny's are all hopped up on amphetamines, listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd and Johnny Cash or something, up front.

Perhaps there is no skanky-looking hitchhiker, perhaps its all in the truck driver's imagination, and he's talking to thin air, or perhaps the skanky-looking hitchhiker needs to be swapped out with a pet chimp, or a pancake waitress from IHOP, or perhaps the truck driver isn't listening to Johnny Cash, perhaps he's listening to whatever kinda Talk Radio they got between California and Des Moines, some preacher cooking with oil and brimstone, or some fake-voice joker playing fart sound effects, or some old fashioned thing on National Public Radio.

And maybe he's just blabbering with folks on the CB, although you ain't really allowed to have "rousing discussions on the CB," y'know, there's laws, you gotta keep it clean and stuff, 'cause of all the bitter Rules Lawyers and Spelling Nazis with scanners from Radio Shack who'll report you to the FCC or whover is in charge of that junk ahaha.

If there wasn't rules like that, then CB's would be way the hell more fun fer everybody, y'know, bunch of colorful truck drivers from all over the goddam place out on the open road yapping about female bodyparts and what a Denny's Breakfast does to your digestive system and how dumb-n-ugly the locals in every town were would be way the hell more fun to listen to than anything they got on the goddam radio nowadays ahaha.

Plus it'd be full of super-useful travel information, between bouts of swearing and laughing and wheezing and coughing and stuff.

Ah well.

What the hell was I talking about originally?

Ah yah.

The heaviest thing I bought was a new humongous-ass Uninterruptible Power Supply which is basically a bunch of car batteries welded together, if you ain't a computer guy.

That's one of the things that's still sleeping away in New Jersey.

I'm kinda worried about how pissed off that piece of equipment is gonna make everybody who has to move it along the way.

I mean, most of the guys at truckyards and stuff have forklifts, but like, my poor United Parcel Service guy, he's gonna blow a main cable trying to move that thing between his truck and my house heh.

Now that I had to think about typing it all out, its kinda funny that an Uninterruptible Power Supply is one of the worst things that a United Parcel Service guy might have to deliver ahaha.

Meh, won't be so funny when it shows up at my door all stabbed and shot-with-arrows and smashed to shit and covered in blood 'cause of how much it pissed everybody off along the way AHAHA.

Well, whatever.

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