Girth

I got big huge skull-crushing gorilla-mitts for hands.

I ain't real good with measurements, y'know, but I'd estimate that my middle finger is like, at least nine inches long.

Yah, my knuckles are the size of marshmallows, man.

Mmm-hmm.

Yah, imagine that mouse you are holding was the size of a strawberry or a chicken nugget, that's what its like to be me, I gotta pick it up like its a robin's egg and be all delicate with it to keep from hitting all the buttons at once and mashing it.

Yah, see, I need me a mouse about the size of a truck tire.

That's why I went with the Microsoft Sidewinder one, I saw reviews where all these gorilla-mitt folks were like "thank Zek its big 'nuff for a guy of my enormous natural size!"

Heh heh heh.

I also got the microsoft sidewinder keyboard just 'cause its black and it glows red (OOH! PURTY LITEZ!) and I wanna see how crappy it is and if it can do anything cool with windows.

And I like the fact that Microsoft (or whoever designed the damned thing) has absolutely no clue about gaming and that I can't hold down more than a couple keys at once, on accident, y'know, since my fingers are so huuuuuuge HO HO HO HAR HAR HAR *cough*

(Actually I don't care about not being able to reload while I crouch and move forward or whatever, I been playing FPSs on ghetto-ass keyboards for so long it'd prolly paralyze me with confusion if I could do that haha).

See those two Big Huge Knobs on that thing?

Now see, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, man, I need me some Big Huge Knobs like that, 'cause of my tremendous meat-hooks, they shoulda put a whole big honkin' row of gigantic-ass knobs like that at the top of the thing, awhellyah, that woulda been awesome ahaha.

Dem logitech G-whatevers looked all cool and everything, too, wit dem fancy liddle display screenies, and dat mite be fine fer youse if youse gots cute liddle "chipmunk" hands or sumpthin like dat, but dats too liddle fer us Big Guys to use, dats like sumpthin dat goes inna tiny liddle dollhouse fer baby girlz and stuff.

And I like the whole Saitek 80s Plastic Toy Cyborg thingie but there are gonna be times when you don't want people to know at-a-single-glance that you are some kinda big huge scifi nerd from the 80s.