Friday, December 7, 2007

The Man From Timeline One

So I invented a time machine in the year 1962, and I went back in time to kill this guy that caused the world to end in 1984.

And I was just about to take my shot when this second Time Traveller Guy suddenly showed up on the roof next to me and asked me to stop.

He explained that I was from Timeline One, the First Timeline, the Timeline that everybody had to live through once without the interference of any Time Travellers, which ended with the destruction of the world in 1984.

And he explained that he was from Timeline Two, which was a future that I was about to create by killing this guy that I was just about to shoot.

And he explained that Timeline Two really sucked, because of things that happened in 1986, after the world wasn't destroyed in 1984, and that he had come back to try to stop me so that it wouldn't happen.

And I was all like, well, what happened in 1986?

Did the world get destroyed in some other way?

And he's all like, no, some scientists realized that the reason everything was so messed up was because people weren't getting enough Love, and so they invented this Love Meter that people could use to measure exactly how much you Loved somebody and exactly how much Love you were getting back from folks, and everybody could compare Love statistics, and if you didn't Love people enough, they'd get rid of your ass, and redistribute the Love that was being wasted on you to other, more deserving, more Loving people.

And everything went downhill because everybody was jealous of everybody else's Love Ratings, even though the differences were only a few degrees, wives would complain to their husbands about how much Love they weren't getting compared to the Joneses next door, and the wife's Love Rating for her husband would go down, and the husband would quit loving his wife so much, 'cause she didn't love him that much, anymore, and that sorta thing started a bunch of horrible downward spirals into Hate and Jealousy, where there wasn't hardly any Love to be found at all.

And you can't really be forced to Love people, 'cause that just creates a lot of Fear and Resentment instead of Love, too, so that was just the icing on the cake.

And that Love Meter thing sounded pretty bad to me, so I put my sniper rifle down, and I asked him what the hell he thought I oughta do.

And he was like, I dunno, you can't just let that guy go, or the world will end in 1984, and you can't kill him, or we'll all be in for some horrible ass Love Apocalypse in Timeline Two.

So I was like, well, maybe I should just wing him or something, and then we can see what happens.

And just as I said that, this third Time Traveller Guy showed up and said "nope, that ain't gonna work, the World Ends in 1981 in Timeline Three."

And I was all like, shit, that's even worse than Timeline One!

At least we made it to 1984!

And the guy from Timeline Two was like, hmm, maybe my future really is the best we can do, that sucks.

And I was all like, "No wait, I was gonna wing the guy in the arm, but maybe I should shoot him the leg instead..."

And then this fourth Time Traveller Guy showed up.

"...or something."

And then the fifth Time Traveller Guy showed up.

So that's how we all decided to climb down from the rooftop and go back in time a few hours and get some coffee at this little place across the street and talk things over, y'know, to compare notes on the futures we came from and see who had the best one and to try figure out exactly what we oughta do.

And every time we felt like we'd decided on the best future (not that any of 'em were really all that great), a new Time Traveller Guy would suddenly show up and argue against it, explaining how crappy the Timeline he came from was and how we needed to pick some other way to handle things.

And nobody liked the future they were from, but eventually we settled on one that was sorta crappy, but not totally crappy.

And now you show up to change things.

It's like we're going backwards, man, one step forward and two steps back, we're never gonna get anywhere, 'cause as soon as we think we know what we're doing, another damn guy shows up and tells us our idea sucks!

So here's what I think.

I think I'm just gonna quit listening to all you people.

And I'm gonna go ahead and kill this guy, just like I was originally planning to do.

And then I'm gonna call it a day.

And maybe I'll bounce around and try to fix Timeline Two at some other point in the Timeline after that and we can all meet there and have coffee and argue about that.

Y'know, that way its just one problem at a time.

And all you people can keep arguing and go back and make me do something different or fix things or whatever you guys think you gotta do afterwards, I don't care.

I don't think some of you guys from weirder futures and higher level Timelines like Timline 484-D can actually even exist unless I go ahead and do my thing like I was gonna do it originally and make all the futures that you guys came from happen.

You might be a whole different bunch of guys the next time we meet at one of these divergence points on the Timelines.

And maybe I ain't even the guy from Timeline One like you guys are saying, maybe I just think I am 'cause the guy from the real Timeline One ain't showed up yet or didn't pick this place to interrupt stuff and change things, I dunno.

I might be from Timeline Two, and the guy that thinks he's from Timeline Two guy might actually be the guy from Timeline Four, and who knows what Timelines the rest of you guys are really from.

I dunno, I dunno, you guys are driving me crazy and this is all giving me a headache, so I'm just gonna go ahead and do my thing and get out of here, okay?

AH shit!

Goddam that shit hurts!

Who the fuck just shot me?