Merry Crotchpunch

The family tradition for Christmas at my mom's house is that I go over there early on Christmas Eve and spend the whole day wrapping presents with my step dad, the Professor (who is starting to look more and more like Santa Claus now that his beard is starting to turn white heh).

That tradition started 'cause my mom is usually the one who does all the shopping and so its only fair that us meathead guys do all the wrapping.

Actually I shop for most of my own presents to other folks but I don't have all the wrapping paper and stuff that she does 'cause she's a crafting packrat, her basement looks like a cross between a three thousand year old library and an arts store where the whole place smells like potpourri and there's hardly any room to move betwen the isles and you gotta duck at certain places to get through the tunnels heh.

Anyways its fun.

Especially 'cause me and my stepdad are the last guys you'd ever pick for your present wrapping team, y'know, the Mad Scientist and the Viking, I got Martha Stewart's head on a spike out in front of my house heh.

So me and him spend most of the day laughing at how bad we suck.

But we're finally starting to get a little better at wrapping.

And that's because its SIX HOURS of wrapping presents over there every year.

Seriously, six hours of wrapping presents, man, I started at 10am and didn't finish 'till 4pm and I only had a couple smoke-n-scotch-n-coffee breaks heh.

My arms are all freaking stiff and nasty and my back is killing me from holding my big gorilla meathooks out in front of me while trying to do all that fine motor control work ahaha.

Well, whatever, its worth it, there's nothing cooler than watching my brother's kids unwrap all the stuff I wrapped, they're at that perfect age, the oldest is seven, the middle one is six, and the baby girl is four and she can talk and sing songs and ham it up so she's starting to be totally fun to hang out with (I'm not a big baby fan, I don't really start liking people until they can laugh and tell me jokes and stuff, 'till then, yer just some creepy little mouthbreather guy heh).

Anyways for dinner we do all these different meats and sausages that my mom gets from this german butcher place, like Knockers (which are big ole fat gourmet hotdogs), and Hunter's Sausage (I dunno how to spell in german, if it even is a german thing, but its really called Lunt-yay-grr, and its basically a fancy slimjim heh), and there's all sorts of other awesome stuff like brats and italian beef and cajun turkey for sammiches, and ten hundred different kinds of fancy breads and cheeses.

The idea is to keep things simple so my mom don't gotta spend all day cooking (but she does anyways, y'know how that works, she just expands to occupy whatever size fishtank you put her in heh).

And that's pretty much it.

But its awesome, man.

I got my brother's two boys this Slot Car Race Track thingie, like me and my brother had when we were their age, y'know, the ones with the triggers where you spend the first couple hours learning how not to have your car go flying off the track all awesome every time you hit a turn heh.

Its got a place where the tracks criss-cross, like criss-cross-crash.

'Member that thing?

The Super Collider for destroying matchbox car particles?

They're still selling 'em, I saw 'em when I was shopping for the slot-car thing heh.

So anyways anyways anyways the kids noticed that criss-cross thing on the cover of the box and they spent a good half hour pulling on my shirt and asking me what would happen when the two cars collided at that point, they're insane little mad scientist super villains rubbing their tiny little hands together evilly and you can see the awesome infernos they're imagining in their eyes ahaha.

I got me a bunch of cool stuff too, like a new coffee maker and a couple of back-up keyboards for when I spill coffee on 'em, which happens way more often than I'd like to think about heh.

And that crap about how keyboards will survive a trip through a dishwasher is such bullcrap man, one lttle "awshit" accident with a coffee cup when I'm reaching for my lighter is all it takes to do in every keyboard I've ever had, and I've had a million of 'em.

I actually prefer to use the old-fashioned kinds of keyboards, 'cause I learned to type super fast unconsciously, over time, just from being a programmer, y'know, starting with two fingers and then adding a finger every year until I ran out of fingers, and my hands won't adapt to the ergonomic thing, and I dunno how to teach them to do anything, it totally messes me up if I think about what my hands are doing when they're typing, if I pay too much attention to my hands, suddenly they stop doing their magic trick and I'm left looking at the keyboard to do everythiung 'cause my brain doesn't know where any of the goddam letters and buttons are heh.

I got some other cool stuff like movies and comfy pajamas and junk, and a fricking ton of left-overs, man, but I'm typing on the new keyboard and drinking coffee so that's sorta in the front of my mind at the moment.

Oh man, I got my mom and stepdad the third season of Stargate Atlantis and more importantly the second season of Rome, so I can't wait to see if they get like Ex-b about it, where they'll go around saying how bummed they are that the show is over and all that other stuff I ain't gonna say 'cause mebbe you din't see it and I don't wanna ruin it heh.

Welp, that's about it, now I get to relax and play with all my new toys, woohoo ahaha.

I'd wish you all a very merry christmas, but I know some of ya might get all insulted or feel persecuted or something.

And I'd wish you all a happy holidays, even though you might feel insulted and persecuted because you think the word holiday comes from mashing "holy" and "day" together.

But I'm pretty sure "holiday" is actually a Hindu thing and that "holy day" bit is just another one of those modern things where "smart" people think English was invented in England and stuff heh.

And saying that would piss off the people that I didn't piss off with the merry christmas and the rest of it, so I dunno who is left at this point ahaha.

Pagans mebbe.

But let's not even get into that "Jolly" Season and "Yule" stuff man with the human sacrifices and everything heh.

So I guess I'm gonna have to wish you all a "planet that wasn't full of idiots that need to turn an archaic form of Have a Nice Day into a Personal Attack" or something ahaha.

"Oh, you better not be wishing me a merry christmas, you asshat, your sappy mysticism and sentimental idiocy is totally offensive to me."

"Yah well then I hope you have a very VERY merry christmas!"

Oh boy I'm gonna be cooking marshmallows in hell for a couple hundred eternities for that one heh.

I hope you guys are happy now ahaha.