Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Stupid Helmets Syndrome

First there was the Helmet Visibility Toggle in EQ1.

And we needed that Toggle because the helmets were so goddam stupid looking in EQ1.

I mean, seriously ruin-your-gaming-experience stupid looking.

My ogre had a variety of Football Helmets in Different Colors with Baby Huey Chin Straps and Rhino Horns sticking out of 'em.

And we used to call human paladins "Bucket Heads" but we were actually being nice.

But that's not how we got the Helmet Invisibility Toggle Bill Passed through the Court of the Vision, see, we had to tell "the Brad" and his crazy ass Helmet Artist that we needed the Helmet Toggle for Roleplaying Purposes or something before they got it through their thick-ass garabge can paladin heads heh.

"By the Flaming Sword of Aradune! We are saved!"

What the hell is it with MMOs and stupid helmets?

Every single one of 'em has the most unbelievably dumb looking helmets and hats that you've ever seen in your life.

Think about it for a sec, seriously.

The only ones that were any "good" were actually so bad that they sorta transcended their own badness and became amusing or something heh.

And they were bad in WoW too man, don't try to gimme that, dude, they got guys with Animal Head Hats and stuff where your face is poking out of some Animal's Mouth as if you entered the animal through its ass and that's where you got stuck when its body finally exploded man c'mon there's definitely something Hooey Going On in Hooville baby ahaha.

Well, whatever.

So first there was the Helmet Toggle.

And then the next one that came along was the Cape Toggle.

And that's 'cause Capes were a New Invention, we didn't have 'em in 3d in the beginning 'cause that was hard.

And we needed a toggle for capes 'cause we wanted the stats and armor from the capes but some of us played female charactes and we needed to be able to see our characters ass or what the hell was the point?

And there were always those of us that just think Capes are for Idiots and Small Children heh.

But that's not how we got the Bill Passed through the Court of Whatever Game It Was That Had the Cape Toggle First (DAoC mebbe?).

And we didn't use the It Makes It Hard to Roleplay Excuse for some reason either.

Nope, we used the "capes makes me lag" excuse for that one.

Thank god they made somebody lag and we could all jump on that bandwagon and save ourselves heh.

And now we come to Lord of the Rings Online.

Which has a Shoe Visibility Toggle.

To help Hobbits Roleplay without forcing them to take a stat and armor penalty.

But everybody can use it, including my geezery-ass human barefoot hippy Loremaster, y'know, it isn't just limited to Hobbits.

Now, that's all fine and good, really.

Except that it makes me wonder why don't we have a Toggle for Gloves.

'Cause it looks really weird to see a barefoot guy with gloves on (it don't matter if they're a hobbit or what heh).

And then, since I went that far, what about a Toggle for Shirts and Pants?

Well, its not like I can't take my pants off and run around sticking my character's crotch in people's faces whenever they sit down to rest any time I want in all these games anyways heh.

And its the same thing with shirts, there's never been a game that didn't let you take off your shirt.

That's just never been against the Rules.

So whats the big deal with making it an Invisibility Toggle?

Do they think the extra effort of "dragging-and-dropping" to get my pants off might make me think twice about going through with the whole no pants crotch-in-your face gag?

And I can make a Depants Hotkey anytime I want anyways, y'know, just drag my pants to Emergency Comedy Hotkey Button 8 or whatever, problem solved heh.

So why not have it be an Invisibility Toggle?

Do you think too many of us would use it?

Is that what the problem really is?

That the playerbase at large can't be trusted with a Pants Visibility Toggle 'cause it'd be Pants Anarchy and we'd ruin our own gaming experience by running around pantsless all the time?

Its not like my character is even naked when I take off his pants anyways.

And its not like I really need to take off my pants to do the stick-my-crotch-in-your-face-whenever-you-sit-down gag.

I'm just doing it because I'm a Great Roleplayer.

Taking my pants off shows I'm willing to go the extra mile for Roleplaying, y'know, it enhances the Immersiveness of the Crotch In Your Face Experience.

Bah whatever.

People running around barefoot-with-gloves-on seems way the hell creepier to me, in like a clinically creepy way, than a good old-fashioned no-pants crotch-in-yer-face gag heh.

That's all I'm saying.

Well, that and you gotta wonder what is up with the apparently incurable Stupid Helmets Syndrome in MMOs.

I mean seriously, I wanna know who gave the okay on that Jewel-Encrusted Pink Pope Hat I had in SWG.

And this hat I got in LOTRO that I can't even describe besides saying that it's kinda like a cross between a Purple Question Mark and a Nun's Cap With Earflaps.

And I ain't even gonna get into the rest of it with these orange tights I got tucked into my Official Lord of the Rings Lore Orange Sneakers and the weird-looking "quilted" orange sleeveless shirt I got with my green shoulderpads and cape and my creepy ass OCD strangler gloves heh.

You couldn't even get the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz to wear this shit man ahaha.


Jeff Freeman said...

Shay refused to wear a helmet, EVER.

Didn't matter what they looked like.

I added "fortified hats" to WoD or Ackadia (I forget) so she could wear a girly hat and still have AC on her head.

Though, if I could have modified the combat system at a lower level, I'd have just removed helmets from the equation altogether.

Fifteen-million different hair-styles, and they make you wear a hat.


I do like the way Guild Wars does it. Go into any non-combat place, and your uglier combat accessories just magically disappear.

Some other devs might try a more organic approach to encourage people to want to voluntarily remove their helmets, sheath their weapons and throw their shields over their backs...

... the weeniees...

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Yah there's all sorts of different intertesting stuff it makes me think about, like UO's way of letting clothes go over armor and your thing with the "looks" of things being sorta irrelevant and then farther along down the road it makes me think about the game mechanics for a game where Hobbits could just wear little suitcoats and vests and pocketwatches like they're supposed to and what it would take for all the Aragorns and Legolases of the world to be able to wear normal looking clothes and NOT have to go around in ten million pounds of Anime Dwarf Armor (that's Big Ed's Big Crab about it).

Y'know the Vikings weren't really into all that either, and it wasn't just 'cause they'd drown in heavy armor if the fell out of their boat, 'cause hardly any of 'em could swim anyways, there oughta be something guys could do with light-weight Dodge Rules or something, where a Gimli can take a beating and everybody else is quick enough to get out of the goddam way or something heh.

And it also makes me think about how we have CAPES right now when what we really wanted all along is CLOAKS but good CLOAKS and clothes that move in a natural way is still way too hard to do.

But it ain't funny to say all that so I just went with the Pants Toggle and Man I Hate This Hat gags heh.

Edit: Oh, and LOTRO is actually pretty cool with armor as far all that goes, when you get to the higher levels, y'know, it reminds me a LOT of UO (which was another one that was pretty decent when it came to that sorta thing) but the newbie stuff is absolutely horrible and THAT can't be doing anything good for their subscription numbers and stuff.