Thursday, July 19, 2007

Planet X

"So what's the worst planet you guys ever seen?"

"Any Amazon Woman planet."

"What're you, nuts?"

"Naw man, everybody who never been to an Amazon Planet is always blabbering about how great they must be, but they're horrible, actually."

"Yah, the Amazons always figure out a way to ruin it for you."

"Yah, those mind control collars they use suck, man, you can't even remember anything."

"It's 'cause they ain't anything like regular Non-Amazon Women, y'know, they aren't sensitive to your needs or anything."

"They don't shave or anything either."


"Yah, they're still hot, though."

"Wouldn't be such a tragedy if they weren't."

"I went to this planet once where all the plant life was sentient and sang opera at sunrise and sunset."

"That don't seem so bad."

"Yah, that shit never shut up though, the grass was always bitching you out for walking on it, gardens were always arguing with the weeds, flowers were always begging to be pollinated, the trees were always giving you sales pitches to eat their fruit, everything was always crabbing about how thirsty they were or about how you were blocking their sunlight, it got old real fast."

"I tried to take a vacation on Planet X once."

"Whoah, I heard about that place."

"Yah, I didn't last five minutes, I had to be taken out of there in an emergency medical transport, spent my entire vacation on the space station in subsynchronous orbit, horking my guts out and praying to a space toilet."

"What wrong with Planet X? I thought that place was supposed to be some kinda Tropical Party Planet?"

"Planet X revolves around its axis once every thirty seconds."


"That means the day-night cycle is really quick, the stars in the sky never stop moving, the moons go whirling all around your head, and its in a binary star system so there's all these constant lighting changes and strobe effects that make the shadows swirl around all crazy under your feet."

"The planet has a ring too, fricking giant hula hoop."

"The flowers bloom and close up shop for the night over and over again right before your eyes, its like being stuck on fast forward."

"And everybody on the planet is wasted on something, so they're always coming up to you and asking you if you are feeling okay over and over again."

"Yah, that's 'cause they're trying to psych you out, that place is a test of stamina, I don't think anybody can stay down there on the dance floor for more than a few minutes without curling up into a fetal position."

"Well, I got my Planet X t-shirt at least."

"So what about you, Donny?"

"What about me?"

"What's the worst planet you ever been to?"

"Well, I haven't actually travelled that much yet, y'know."

"Oh, c'mon, Don, you must've seen something."

"Well, there was this place that we had to do a delivery to, where the entire surface of the planet was under five feet of warm water."

"That don't seem too bad."

"Place smelled like rotten eggs."

"Dude, you really suck at this game."

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