Unrated

Y'know how they got those movie rating thingies for cable TV, at the beginning of the shows, that lists what sorta violence and adult language and adult situations and stuff to expect?

Yah, they even got codes, like, AL is Adult Language, and AS is Adult Situations, and stuff, but you know that they'll never show you the Codes without the Definition, because they know we'll never remember their stupid codes, no matter how long they keep trying to train us on 'em, which makes it funny all by itself.

I mean, why even bother with the Codes, seriously?

Unless yer trying to build suspense by showing us the Codes, making us wait a few seconds, and then explaining it heh.

And we all know, even without anybody telling us, that Adult Language is saying shit like "Fuck" and stuff, which you can't even do on the Internet anymore, so the folks in movies are saying it wrong, because they don't have anybody to teach them how to do it right like a real human being would, y'know.

I'm serious, they say shit like "You stupid fucker! " in movies all the time, but every Real Human knows yer s'posed to say "You stupid fuck!" unless yer trying to be cute or something, its just simple logic when yer intent is to dehumanize the target as much as possible.

Anyways, this rating system thingie is absolutely fucking hilarious if you think about it.

First off, from the perspective of a regular couch potato like me, there's the way I might actually not watch something that doesn't have enough evil stuff to keep me interested.

Y'know, like a movie that only has Adult Language innit.

What the hell would that be like, I wonder?

I mean, how could you have Adult Language without any Adult Situations or any kind of Violence?

Must be a Kid's Show, right?

Or one of those boring talking heads movies, where a bunch of guys get stressed out in a submarine or some actors pretend to talk a bunch of existential mumbo-jumbo over coffee and you wonder when the joke is supposed to happen but it never does and that's the joke.

I mean, imagine there's two James Bond Movies on, and one of them has a big huge list of Violence and Nudity and stuff, and just for the sake of argument, let's say there's a even a New Warning Code that you've never seen before, but the other James Bond movie only has Adult Language, right?

Now which one are you gonna watch?

And then there's the Nudity and Brief Nudity thing.

Oh, they're two different things, y'know.

Yep, N and BN.

Now, I've never read the Offiicial Rating Guide, and how they determine the difference between Brief Nudity and Nudity Nudity, or anything, but when I see Brief Nudity listed, I always imagine it means theres a lot of shots of Man-Ass, or something, which for some reason isn't nearly as bad as seeing Naked Chick Butt, according to the Ratings People, at least, even though I find that being exposed to tons of Man Ass is a far more unpleasant experience for me, personally even though its apparently supposed to be comedic.

Or, if they show a girl from behind, and she doesn't have a shirt on, but you can't quite see around the curve of her breast to her nipple, then that's Brief Nudity.

Or if there's a poster of a naked chick in a movie about guys that work in a garage, then that's Brief Nudity, for some reason, 'cause the logic is that poster nudity isn't real nudity, I guess.

Brief Nudity is Harmless Nudity, then, right?

But if we could see around the curve of that breast, and the involvement of a full-fledged Nipple came into play, oh man, now that would be serious cause for alarm, and not harmless at all.

No, there's no separate rating that warns you if you might be exposed to the kind of soul-disturbing villainy contained in some actress's bush, there's no way to determine whether its nipple or bush from the rating system.

Yer right, there should be.

I mean, why the hell not, y'know?

Considering all the logic going 'round so far, at least.

They should just list out all the stuff right in the beginning, but then they wouldn't be able to fool us into sitting through all their stupid NBN No Bush Nudity movies half the time heh.

And Violence, y'know, in movies, is fake, right?

Yah, and like everything from totally cheesy fake karate chops to fake decapitation and dismemberment is just Violence.

I'm sure there's a harmless sorta of butt-shot campy Batman violence, and then there's a dangerous sorta of violence where they might show a female's nipple, but they don't distinguish between the two.

I just don't get any of this stuff.

And what's worse, I know they make movies thinking about how it will fit into this rating shit.

I mean, some movies are like thirty seconds of talking and building credibility and "suspense," and then one of the Rating Thingies, over and over again, and that's all they are heh.

And there's gotta be actresses and stuff that think of their entire careers as one long slow strip show ahaha.

Poor things, you know they have to accomplish whatever they're going to accomplish in order to be preserved for all eternity before they reach a certain state of decay, its so sad.

Man, we should get jobs working in the movie business, this stuff is awesome.