Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Get Out

I moved out to this old busted-up house in the country and right away I knew it was haunted.

At night there'd be all these noises like creaking floorboards that sounded like somebody walking down the hallway, and whispers, and some kid crying, and it sounded like shit was falling off the shelves downstairs, there'd be these huge creepy thumps that'd practically give me a heart attack when I was trying to get to sleep, and it'd get cold sometimes, real cold, cold enough to make all the glass surfaces in a room frost up.

And during the day I'd have all these "accidents," y'know, as I was trying to fix the place up, like almost cutting my hand off with the circular saw, and falling through a rotten step in the stairs and busting up my legs, every time I tried to do anything I'd end up with more cuts and bruises.

And I ain't seen my dog since I let him out of the car when we first got here.

Oh, and there are bees everywhere, man, I been stung like three times so far.

So the place is definitely haunted.

Yah, I don't know what bees have to do with ghosts but I'm keeping 'em in the list anyways 'cause they're really annoying and kinda scary.

Naw, screw that exorcism shit, I don't want these ghosts to head toward the Light, man, I want 'em to stick around.

'Cause the very first thing I'm gonna do when I die is come back here and kick the living shit out their ghost asses.

Yah, I dunno if I'll be able to do anything about the bees as a ghost, I'm not sure how ghost-to-bee combat would work, think mebbe I should just call an exterminator for that.

1 comment:

Sundry Chicken said...

screw waiting to kick their noncorporal asses. humans totally have the advantage of being in both the physical and the other worlds at once. you can affect this world, they pretty only get to sit and watch, kinda like at the end of being john malcovich. unless they are like some super powerful crazy resurrected Egyptian priest like in that wonderfully terrible brandon fraiser movie.

they want some... give it to them.
show them the real army of darkness. your army of one.
"Name's Ash"
they like terror and fear? well i for one wouldn't wait. who knows you may miss the opportunity and get shoved into a new body so fast you miss out on it.

so in fact i was renovating a house like that last summer in the middle of a city where a psychic had lived for like 8 years. she really got the place all screwed up... BIG spiders like you've never seen outside of the tropics, and stuff hanging round that basement that would turn peoples hair white. well... we came to an agreement. they moved the fuck away and haunted some other house. course that's the executive sanitized for children version. little bastards did track me back home later on that night... so watch it. course THAT got me mad. you don't fuck with a man in his home. nope.