Thursday, July 26, 2007

Leg Men

I'm a Leg Man.

And I can't concentrate and do my usual mumbo-jumbo bullshit around the smooth curves of a woman's legs.

That's my kryptonite.

Well, its not that I get totally stunned, it just locks up my brain in a certain way, its kinda like the way I can't do math with people staring at me.

If I don't look away, right away, the gravity of appreciation is overpowering, but it's not nasty, don't get me wrong, y'know, its more like standing in a ray of sunshine.

Tits don't do anything for me.

I grew up on a dairy farm, y'know.

They could change the law to make it okay for chicks to go flopping around topless just like guys and it wouldn't have any effect on me at all.

Although I'd have to be more careful about where I was flicking my cigarette ashes, I guess.

Naw, really, wouldn't gross me out or make me horny, no matter what they look like, they're just tits, man.

So that tends to make things sorta awkward and funny fer me when a woman thinks that her tits are her best feature and that we're all Boob Men, y'know?

Yah, I learned the hard way to pretend that I like tits a little just to keep those chicks from getting pissed at me and trying to have me killed.

But there was a poet who basically said that the greatest moments in the universe happen whenever a woman steps out of a car, and I understand exactly what he was talking about, that guy nailed that shit.

One of the best jobs in the world in my mind has to be being a Doorman for a Fancy Hotel heh.

So whenever I gotta work with a lady who is showing off her legs, I just come out and tell her straight up that she needs to put those damn things away somewhere 'cause I can't concentrate around 'em.

Its nothing personal, y'know, if I'm supposed to be using my brain fer business or something insteada poetry, it just ain't gonna happen with those legs of yers swishing and shwacking around all over the place.

And I've worked with a lot of female versions of Hannibal the Cannibal, but I've never met a woman who wasn't kind-hearted and understanding about that, yet.

Yah, its probably 'cause they can tell I'm being honest, and that I don't got any evil intentions, I can't remember a time that a woman didn't take it as a compliment, and they usually blush a little but then they get that twinkle in their eye and that smile that makes my evil little heart sting with fear.

'Cause the truth is that its kinda scary to have a weakness like that.

Naw, its not that I'm afraid I'd do something all slobbery, I really don't have any compulsions like that, I never sucked my thumb or enjoyed blowing things up or setting shit on fire or pulling the legs off ants or anything like that, either.

Its that I'm afraid of how easy it'd be for some random chick to hold me helpless in the magnetic field of her legs, if only they were a little more wicked than they are.

And the worst thing is, there's almost no women with bad legs, this ain't some Barbie Super Model Thing, its just that your legs are feminine.

Luckily, Leg Men are pretty rare, Boob Men are far more common, y'know, so chicks don't usually even think to use Leg Strategies in Sexual Combat, even if they woulda been wicked enough to use 'em.

And I've had chicks try to get me drunk and pick me up in fancy cars and all that weird sorta shit that men usually do to women, but none of those ones ever seemed to figure out what my kryptonite really was.

I'm so glad I'm not a Boob Man, though, those dudes got it bad, man, us Leg Men have a pretty easy time maintaining eye contact, y'know, all I gotta do is stand up and get close to the chick and the source of my problems is blocked from view unless she busts into a handstand or something.

Anyways, if yer a chick, and you couldn't figure out why you couldn't get that guy you like under yer spell, until now, then go easy on him.

'Cause men aren't the only ones with strange weaknesses like this, and us Leg Men stick together.

And if I hear that you been taking advantage of us Leg Men, mebbe the next time I notice my Hmm-meter going crazy 'cause I'm practically being begged to wreck some poor girl's life with my horrible crap I won't decide to just smile a quick warning shot and pass ya by like I usually do heh.

That's right, you better just stick to those pathetic Boob Men, you might be biting off a little more than you chew with us Leg Men ahaha.

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