Thursday, July 12, 2007

Fat Cookies

Yes, we have indeed invented a special type of cookie that will actually make you shed those unwanted pounds and lose all that unappealing extra weight, here at the fine labs of Paradox Foods.

Oh yes, it really truly works, the Age of unpleasant physical exercise and activity is finally over.

The more of these cookies you eat, the more weight you will lose.

Oh no, they're quite delicious, actually, we can make them taste exactly like anything you want, chocolate cookies, oatmeal cookies, sugar cookies, we can even make them taste like potato chips, I mean, the only reason we've been pushing the cookie packaging format is to keep marketing happy.

Oh no, actually they're chock full of all the essential vitamins and minerals and proteins, they've been designed as a complete replacement for all your nutritional needs so that you can eat whatever else you like on the side purely for pleasure, and then neutralize all the unwanted weight you would have gained from all those dietary excursions by eating a few delicious after-dinner cookies.

That isn't the problem.

Well, yes, there have been a few unpleasant side effects that have popped up in testing, nothing extraordinary, y'know, its all the standard stuff, just nausea, mostly.

But that isn't a real problem.

The first real problem we ran into was people over-doing it.

Yes, there's really no way to stop people from eating too many of the cookies.

Yes, that sort of out-of-control weight loss can be quite dangerous, actually, sometimes I think we made the cookies a little too delicious.

So we went back to the drawing boards and had our Crack Team of Scientists invent another kind of cookie.

Yes, one that will fatten you up exactly as much as the weight-loss cookie thins you out.

Right, the Fat Cookie, to counter-balance everything the Skinny Cookie does, so you can fine-tune your own weight adjustments once you get down near your own ideal weight, just by balancing the amount of Fat and Skinny Cookies you eat throughout the day, no matter how many you feel like eating.

Oh no, we made sure the Fat Cookies taste exactly the same as the Skinny Cookies, there's absolutely no difference in taste or nutritional content, it wouldn't be an effective counter-measure to the Skinny Cookie if it tasted different.

Well, yes, the Fat Cookies do seem to have the same tiny bundle of side effects, you know, just nausea, mostly, and perhaps some minor psychological issues that have been hard to nail down, but we're still working on that.

On the bright side, for our stockholders, with the introduction of the Fat Cookie, we'll probably sell at least twice as many cookies as we would have otherwise.

Yes, there's actually no limit to how many of our delicious Fat and Skinny Cookies you can eat now.

But there is one more problem.

You see, mathematically speaking, with our Fat and Skinny Cookie System, there'll be many times when you actually have to eat at least one more cookie than you would've otherwise wanted to, in order to keep things balanced out.

And you might have to eat a lot more than one extra cookie, if you've been eating other things, besides our cookies.

Well, unless you don't mind being a little under or a little over your ideal weight from eating an unbalanced amount of cookies.

Which is also good for our stockholders, short term, but I think we might have the foundation of a pretty big psychological backlash against our cookies, once folks start realizing that they have to eat more of them than they want to, you know.

Well, we've gone back to the drawing board, but so far we've only come up with the preliminaries for a Fat and Skinny Mini-Cookie that could potentially cut the amount of extra Regular Fat and Skinny Cookies our customers will have to eat by approximately fifty percent while broadening our product line and potentially making us even more money, if we can spin the Additional Cost of Miniaturization.

Already ahead of you there, sir, I just got out of a meeting about the potential for Fat and Skinny Micro-Cookies, as well.

Right, that'd be another twenty five percent cut in the extra cookie mass that one would have to consume, while not cutting down on the amount of actual cookies that one would have to buy.

Right, so we're heading toward a point where we are actually charging them more for providing them with a means to eat less of our product.

It is a veritable goldmine, sir.

I'm glad we're on the same page, sir.

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