Gladiator

Sure, I still 'member my first fight, entering the Ring, lookin' out at this bloodthirsty crowd, seeing all these pinched faces and cameras flashing out there like stars in the darkness.

Yah, I din't have no little old bald-headed supportin-actor trainer-buddy spouting toughguy wisdom in my ear, like they always do in the movies, and I din't do that "float like a butterfly" foot-shuffling thing, and I din't make intimidatin' faces and stuff at the other guy, either.

I just sorta stood there, I guess, 'cause I din't know anything about fighting, since I never watched TV and I've never been to a gym, wasn't allowed to read no comic books or play any violent video games or watch the news like everybody else and stuff when I was a kid at the Mother of Mercy Orphanage, y'know, so I had absolutely no frickin' clue what I was doing, I know it sounds weird and shit but I honestly never even really seen anybody actually fight each other before.

Yah, I heard they improved the application process now, its not just some multiple choice thingie that you can accidentally guess your way through if you answer "no" to all the crane-kick questions.

Heh, yah, I was just answering "no" to everything 'cause I didn't "know" what the hell the answers were haha.

Well, I dunno, I think I was more confused than scared, really, when you don't know what to expect, you can't really be scared of it, y'know?

Yah, I just wanted to get the whole thing over with and get my money and get the heck out of there, man.

Well, I'm glad you find my honesty so refreshing, Barbara.

Anyways, the bell rings, and it din't take the crowd more than a half second to realize I din't know a goddamn thing about fighting.

Naw, it wasn't like that, it was weird, I think they actually felt sorry for me, I'm pretty sure just about everybody felt sorry for me, including the guy who was kickin' my ass, 'cause he was makin' really weird faces as he spun through the air and did all this whacko hollywood-roundhouse kungfu-pretzel-kick soccer-mom karate-class stuff on my defenseless body.

Yah, I could tell he was gettin' a little angry though, 'cause I guess I was ruining his photographs fer the newspaper or something.

Well, at first, I was just grabbin' myself in all the places where I got punched and kicked, screaming junk like "ow shit what the fuck you bastard that hurts!" and stuff, y'know, stumblin' and fallin' all around the ring, curlin' up in a pitiful little ball, tryin' to crawl away, and it seemed like an eternity before the bell rang again and the refs pulled the guy off me and dragged me into a corner where they just let me flop around on the ground like a stunned fish.

Well, I was pretty out of it, by that point, I was probably in shock or something, and I was definitely exhausted from screamin' myself hoarse, y'know, 'cause screamin' can take a lot out of you, and my arms were all sore and shaky from trying to drag my body away from danger, 'cause that's a real work-out, too, but I 'member one of my eyes wasn't all swollen shut, yet, and I saw this guy from the crowd come runnin' over to my corner, I'll never fergit his face, so long as I live, and he said, "hey! hey kid! wake up! what the hell's the matter with you, kid? you suicidal or something? you gotta start fighting back or something, man!"

And I tried to say somethin' like "dude, I give up, I don't think I could even stand up again if I wanted to, I'm just gonna lay down right here in this nice, cool, soothing place on the floor, the one place where the world wasn't spinning around so much, y'know, and I'll just let it soak up my juices until this guy tackles me and they count to ten, or whatever."

But I wasn't sure if the guy heard me, 'cause I couldn't really hear myself, y'know, I couldn't breathe through my nose and my lips felt like they were made out of hamburger and I was blowin' bubbles of blood and spit everywhere.

And that's when the ref in my corner told me the fight wasn't a wrestling match or a count-of-ten type thingie, it was to the death.

Hah! I was such a newb that I didn't even know fights to the death had been legalized!

So at that point, I had to decide if I wanted to live or not.

Well, I'll be honest, it wasn't an easy decision, like you'd probably think, I mean, my body was really pretty badly busted up, y'know, and it seemed like it'd be an awful lot of work to get my feet under me, let alone stand all the way up and do anything else like try to fight back and stuff, and the idea of actually winning the fight was a like a hot-air balloon floating miles above some strange and silent country on the dark side of the moon.

Anyways I'm not really sure how I got on my feet when the bell rang, but there I was, suddenly moving across the ring toward my opponent, even though I didn't really want to be, like a guy caught in an undertow or something.

I was basically just like everybody else in the crowd, watching things I couldn't believe were happening, y'know?

I mean, there was this weird buzzing and whistling noise in my ears, and I could hardly see what was going on through the window-crack that was all that was left of my one good eye, I could hardly breathe, my limbs felt like they weighed five hundred pounds each, and I didn't have the strength to make them do anything, not consciously, but my body was makin' them all move anyways, somehow, and there I was, shufflin' across the floor.

There's been a lot of talk about my fighting style, the scientific conjecture and stuff, and I can't really speak to all that theoretical mumbo-jumbo kungfu-of-no-kungfu junk they say about me, but I do know that I musta invented it right there, on the spot, 'cause I handn't had any previous exposure to any sort of violence.

Yah, it wasn't pretty, the thing I 'member most was the roar that swelled up from the crowd like a tidal wave as I watched my own, out-of-control body suddenly lurch forward, my arm lashing out, slapping him in the face.

It was just the first of many such blows.

Yep, that's why they say I'm the first of the Girly-Fighters, and I'm not ashamed of it, either, heck, the fact that all them guys is copying my fighting style makes it less embarassing, nowadays, but I never really cared what other people thought of my moves, even in the beginning.

I just do what comes natural, y'know, I mean, its all I know how to do.

Heck, to be honest, I don't really think I even know what I'm doing out there.

Hey, you can say whatever you want, but it takes a lot of slapping to actually bitch-slap a man to death, that fight went on and on like that for thirty-six rounds, two people went to the hospital about half-way through from laughing too hard, and a lot of people had to leave before it was all over because it was just getting way too gross to watch.

Yah I guess I basically slapped his head off, in the end.

Well I feel sorry the guy, to be honest, but I'm glad to be alive.

Yah, it wasn't 'till a few matches later where I started doing the hair-pulling and the girly kicks, but that junk is really just some stuff I made up to spice things up for the crowd, y'know, because it takes me a really long time to kill people and I don't want them getting bored.

Yah, well, I can't say I'm sorry about that, 'cause y'know, its actually the length of my fights that gets me all that endorsement money.

Yah, apparently they had problems, back in the old days, with fights being over with too quick, or something, not enough time to pack in all the commercial stuff they could've, I guess.

Yah, I've heard all that humanitarian junk, 'bout how fights to the death is inhumane and against god and whatnot, heck, I used to be one of those people back in the day, y'know, 'til I realized the reason we have to do it this way was because people could "cheat" and put a fix on the game in the old days, y'know, throw the matches and have it be all fake and choreographed like a dance number stuff, but nobody can cheat when its a fight to the death, so its just better fer everybody this way.

Well who the hell wants to watch and gamble on some weird kinda fake fights, y'know?

Fights where some rich guy and all his buddies knows what's gonna happen ahead of time?

Yah, well, that's why their ratings used to be so terrible, the common man just couldn't get behind it, 'cause it was all corrupt and stuff, y'know, but I guess the industry is a lot more profitable nowadays, 'cause its all on the up-and-up and stuff.

Ah, well, y'know, Barbara, now that I've won the title, there's only one thing left to do, right?

I'm going to Disney World.

Yah, thanks fer havin' me on yer show, sorry fer all the swearin' and stuff, y'know, I tried to do it good, ah okies, was my pleasure, you guys got good donuts, wish I could eat more of 'em but I gotta ride the subway home and its better to do that on an empty stomach.