Tuesday, February 20, 2007

One of Us

Well, okay, we had this big beach blanket bingo bash, right?

Yah, to celebrate being accepted into Time School.

Yah, it was pretty sweet, man, that first time, there was hundreds of socially repressed Time Nerds running around in their underpants and feeling the love.

Y'know how they are, man, dancing like that boogie was a patch of some serious business, talkin' all deep and existential and poemy and bleary-eyed 'bout partying and shit, hilarious.

And everything was going fine until we started running low on party supplies, y'know, like firewood and beer and Snacky Cakes.

Me and Chow were pretty wasted, and Smiling Mike was frickin' ruined, but it occurred to us that we could just go back in time and steal party supplies from the party before anybody used 'em, and bring 'em back to the future with us, and keep the party going indefinitely that way.

So we did that, but when we got back to the future, everybody was pissed off at us, 'cause apparently they were the guys we'd stolen the party supplies from in the past and they hadn't been having any fun while we were gone.

Yah, I dunno, it was weird, there didn't seem to be a way to get back to the people we'd partied with the first time.

So we gave those folks the junk we stole from their past, and that made them happier, y'know, but not as happy as it would've made 'em if time travel wasn't so stupid, y'know, they were still a little pissed at us.

And so, whatever, we started partying again, and we got even more wasted, and everything was going fine, but then we started running low on party supplies again.

Now, at this point, even though we were about twice as wasted as we were the first time we started running low on party supplies, and Smiling Mike, our Mastermind, couldn't stand up without Chow hanging on to his collar, we realized that if we went back in time again and stole the party supplies before we had a chance to steal the party supplies the first time, we'd just return to a future where everybody was all pissed off that they got robbed by us again.

And that kinda sucked, even though us guys who had gone back in time and done all the stealing were remembering everything right and we were getting to burn the same firewood and drink the same bottles of cheap scotch over and over again, nobody else was.

But then it occured to us, if we brought everybody back in time with us to just before we stole all the party supplies the first time, and we stole everything before our past selves had a chance to steal everything, we'd be able to bring everybody back to the future and continue our party, and they'd remember everything like we did, and we'd have made everything right.

Problem was, we could only fit about ten people in the time machine.

So, y'know, we had to leave a lot of skanks and lesbians and doinks behind.

But we figured we could just make multiple trips and make everybody happy, eventually.

So whatever, we crammed a bunch of 'em into the time machine, and went back in time and snagged the party supplies before we had a chance to steal 'em the first time.

But then we realized there wasn't enough room in the time machine for all ten people AND the supplies.

So me and Chow made everybody get out of the time machine while we packed the thing with party supplies (and Smiling Mike's unconscious body), to see how much room there was left over, y'know, and it was easy to make them do whatever we wanted, 'cause we were bigger than them and twice as drunk and scary, heck man, only reason me and Chow even got into Time School in the first place was 'cause Smiling Mike owed us one.

Anyways it turned out there was only room for about four more people, so we had to leave some of 'em behind when we went back to the future, but realized we could make two trips, so we told them we'd be right back and we'd just get them in a second load, y'know, no problem.

So we get back to the future, and the skanks we had just left behind in the past are still standing right outside the door to the time machine, giving us evil looks, 'cause they waited the whole time right where we left them in the past, 'cause they were afraid of meeting another version of themselves at the party or something.

And everybody at the party is all pissed at us for stealing all the party supplies, again, but to them, we'd only stolen all the party supplies once, so they weren't twice as pissed at us, or anything, even though we were getting twice as tired of hearing them bitch about it.

Anyways, that made us realize that making multiple trips from the future to the past, y'know, to make everybody happy, wasn't gonna work, 'cause the future kept changing back to the Pissed Off At Us Future every time we went back in time and stole stuff.

But there didn't seem to be any reason why we couldn't go back and make things right with the folks that we'd left behind in the past when we ran out of room in the Time Machine.

So we headed back to the past, and picked up the folks we'd left behind, and brought them back to the future, and when we got back that time, there wasn't another copy of them standing outside the door of the time machine, giving us evil looks, so at least that worked.

Anyways, me and Chow were really starting to get tired of all this Time Crap by this point, 'cause thinking about it makes us dizzy, and Smiling Mike was unconscious, so he couldn't do all the thinking for us, but we started partying again, and everything was fine, until I went to get a refill and I realized that somebody had stolen all the party supplies.

Yah, so that's when I realized stuff was really starting to get out of control.

I probably would've started reading my Time Manual at that point, to try to figure out what the hell was going on, and what we needed to do to put things right, but somebody had stolen that too.

And that's when another version of me walked up, with a Time Manual in his hand, and tried to get me to read it for him, 'cause he said he was too drunk to figure all this shit out and his version of Smiling Mike was still unconscious.

I got really pissed, y'know, 'cause I knew right away that these were the jokers that had stolen all our shit, and the last thing I was gonna do was read some frickin' book fer this guy and straighten out all his mistakes, so I was just about to start beating the hell out of him (which would've been easy, 'cause he really was more wasted than I was) when another version of me with a Time Manual in his hand and a broken nose and a fat lip limped up and started gurgling fer me to stop.

This third me said him and Chow had waited for Smiling Mike to regain consciousness, somewhere in the future, and Smiling Mike had figured everything out.

Yah, apparently, when we went back in the time the very first time, we created another set of ourselves, complete with a Smiling Mike that never had a chance to get drunk.

And those guys were really pissed off, see, and to make matters worse, they were really pissed off and cold sober and fully operational and they had the least-wasted Smiling Mike to mastermind all their evil plans.

So this busted up version of me says that his version of Smiling Mike thinks that all of us wasted versions of ourselves needed to put our heads together and organize and work together pronto to get rid of our evil sober twins, before they had a chance to multiply in time and do the same thing to us.

Yah, freaky, huh?

We're in some pretty shit now, eh?

Hey, what was that noise?

Oh shit, man, look there, there's another version of me... er.. us, spying on us!

Get him!

Don't let that asswipe use the Time Machine!

Ah, whew, thank god, one of the Chows got him.

We gotta be more careful, man, I mean, look at you guys, yer pathetic, you guys can't run fer shit.

Hey, what's that guy's story?

I don't remember seeing that version of me around before.

You sure he's one of us?

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