Don't Write What You Know About

They say you should write what you know about.

But I don't think that's right.

'Cause if you do that, you'll end up writing shit about writing, just like they were when they wrote "you should write what you know about."

Yah, see, that sucks.

Oh, it could be worse, I mean, you could end up writing a musical broadway show about putting on a musical broadway show, man, I really fucking hate those things.

Keep that shit up and eventually you'll be writing about a mockumentary about a documentary about a bunch of people in a musical broadway show about putting on a musical broadway show who actually wanna be in a sitcom about a bunch of people who wanna be in a sitcom about a guy who writes musical broadway shows about a guy who writes about writing, like I just did.

Might as well write about writing about people talking about listening to people talk about sex, while we're at it.

But what is writing really all about, then?

Well, its very simple, but its also kinda like a dirty little secret, which is why you have to hear it from one of the bad kids that smoke cigarettes and stuff like me.

Writing is all about providing a guilt-free delivery mechanism for sexually stimulating material to those folks who require it to be gift-wrapped and obfuscated by tons of clever packaging and complex distractions.

Oh sure, you can lie to yourself and pretend its all about detailing the human experience of a beautiful young woman waking up in the morning and crying over a dirty glass of tang and shit, but right away yer already wondering exactly how loose is this chick's bath-robe, or how yummy was the guy she's crying over and what the hell did he do to make her cry, and who the hell did he do it with, I hope it wasn't some bitch-ass rich super-model chick, oh man, what if it was a another guy, and regardless of yer particular persuasion, yer both wondering if I'm ever gonna get to the good shit.

You can lie to yourself and pretend yer just using those semi-subliminal sex-jabs like that musician used cannon-fire to keep his audience awake, thats the lie I usually use, its pretty effective.

But the truth is that everybody is sleeping and waiting through all the parts where the cannons don't go off, y'know, just like yer sleeping and waiting through all the parts in the movie where there ain't any chance of a boob popping and flopping out of its holster.

Oh, its not as awful as I'm probably making it sound, y'know, 'cause even though you walk out of that movie theatre with all this wet sexual imagery bouncing around in yer head, the rest of the movie needs to provide some pleasant conversation topics that'll help you look like a sweetheart that can take care of a baby and shit, 'cause we sure as hell can't talk to the opposite sex about how bummed out we were that the chick in the movie only stripped down to her panties, and we definitely don't wanna hear about how big some dude's bulge was or a steamy review of all the juicy man-ass scenes while we try to eat dinner.

"Honey, can we not talk about this until I finish my burrito?"

And here I am, using a trick while I talk about it again, I'm so naughty.

Well, c'mon, let's face it, you were just sleeping through this whole damn thing I wrote, waiting fer me to get down to the panties and bulges joke and shit.

Oh, but wait!

There's stories that don't have any sex stuff in them!

Yah, yah, okay, ya got me, sure, there's a few of them no-sex stuff ones, like the story of Moby Dick, the Sperm Whale, with all those half-naked tribal guys running around on a boat with spears in their hands and no women, absolutely no sexual tension going on there, yah, that sucker is as dry as a bone heh.

"We waited through like eighty years of Katherine Hepburn movies before she finally gave us a little taste of that brainy ass!"

Successfully not writing about what I know about since 1812.