Loch Ness

Scientists say that there isn't enough food in the Loch for any type of large animal to eat.

And that may be true, if the beast was some sort of simple-minded low-income sea serpent with a bad portfolio, reduced to fishing in the Loch for his own meals because he was too afraid to take that first step that would allow him to take charge of his own life and become the master of his own financial destiny.

Now, on the other hand, any intelligent, virgin-eating dragon such as yourself, willing to put even the smallest percentage of his considerable hoard to work for him in order to cultivate future dining opportunities, would have been able to contract our PR firm to lure flocks of conspiracy theory nuts and cryptozoologists into the area, with the side benefit of increasing your own property values.

As you can plainly see in these projections, within six months your investment will have paid for itself through the black market resale of your victim's expensive electronic equipment alone.

That's a good question, and I'm proud to say our firm can gaurantee an acceptable percentage of human female virgin influx, these "fantastic animal" conspiracies are hand-crafted to appeal to the more delicious and nutritious sex of that species, you know how they love animals.

If you'd like references, I'm sure I can get you in contact with the good wurms we did the Sasquatch and Abominable Snowman campaigns for, they're very happy with our work.

Oh please don't even get me started about Roswell, of course I can't comment on what happened there, exactly, but I can safely say that our firm learned a valuable lesson and we'll no longer be doing business of any kind with half-mad blue dragons who live in the desert and insist on paying for everything in turquoise.