Saturday, February 17, 2007

Vampire Upgrades

"Dude, you really should just let me turn you into a vampire, its awesome, I got like super powers, I got Super Strength and Super Jump and the Wolverine Healing Factor and check this shit out, I even got Snickety Snick Retractable Claws and everything."

"Naw man, I mean, I appreciate the offer and everything, that's really cool, but I'm too old and tired and fat and lazy to get into that kinda shit now, I don't really wanna be stuck like this forever and ever, plus it wouldn't look right to have an old flabby-ass wolverine guy flying through the air and stuff."

"Dude, it doesn't even matter if yer all old and fat and shit, chicks'll still dig yas, us vampires got all these Bela Lugosi Sex Appeal Powers and we can read minds and make chick's hearts beat faster and shit, and the promise of immortality is a little better than buying 'em a dinner, I mean, c'mon, seriously."

"Yah, that's great and everything, don't get me wrong, I'm just not really interested in all that sex junk, y'know, I'm like a rusty old hobbit or something, man, all I care about is a nice meal, some good pipe-smoke, nice warm place to sleep."

"Dude, nothing beats the way you'll feel when you drink blood, man, blood is like a combination of the best meal you ever had and the best pipe-smoke, and its not like its the same thing every night, its always different depending on who you snag it from, it tastes different and you learn all sorts of shit about their life stories and junk, and then we get all engorged and warm and sleep away in our comfy coffins, you'll love it!"

"Nah, really, that's cool, I'm just gonna stick with this regular junk and see what happens next."

"But you don't even know whats gonna happen next, yer just gambling on it being interesting, that's totally nuts man, a bird in the hand is worth two in a bush, the devil you know, blah blah blah, c'mon, man, don't be stupid."

"Yah but what if we get to hang out with all the other cool people who went before us? Like Jimmi Hendrix and shit?"

"Well, if anybody brings back proof of parties going down like that in Heaven, I'll be the first to walk out into the sunshine, man, y'know, 'cause us vampires can turn this shit off anytime we want, its just that easy, but 'till then, might as well enjoy ourselves insteada letting the worms eat our brains, don't ya think?"

"Hmm, seems like you guys got a frickin' answer fer everything."

"Yah, baby, we got it all, we keep getting upgrades every year, we're like the automotive industry and shit, man, yer lucky you're coming into the fold nowadays, when we all look like hairband metal sex-machines with super powers, insteada back in the days when we smelled like roadkill and turned into cheap rubber bats and couldn't cross running water and stuff."

"Ain't you worried yer gonna miss out on some awesome new feature they add to vampirism later, 'cause you didn't wait long enough?"

"Ah, now I see why yer pulling this shit on me, yer waiting for the deal to sweeten before turning into a vampire, so you'll get some awesome super power that I don't have 'cause I'm an older model, and you can spend eternity using it in my face and rubbing it in and shit, you bastard!"

"Hah yah, I'm waiting till you guys can do that liquid metal shit like that thing from Terminator."

"Yer such an asshole!"

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