Friday, February 2, 2007

The Apocalypse of Love

What did I tell you?

I warned you that something like this would happen, that space exploration was too dangerous, but did anybody listen to me?


So what happens, eh?

We make contact with our second alien species, and they promptly steal all our women!

Oh, of course they didn't actually steal all our women, but treating them better than we did amounts to the same thing, doesn't it?

Showering them with jewlery and chocolate and travel opportunities, talking about their feelings and how beautiful everything is all the time, being gentle, supportive, attentive, appreciative and understanding, sensual, sympathetic and nurturing, carrying their purses, washing their dishes, cooking exotic dinners, changing diapers, defending their honor, weeding the garden, sharing bank accounts, and listening to all that crap about their day!

Oh yes, we're in a pretty pickle this time, boys!

I just don't see how we're going to be able to win this one!

There doesn't seem to be any depths of depravity that these aliens won't sink to in order to claim victory over us!

They even love to work out and do sit-ups!

Well there's definitely no way we're going to be able to keep up with this particular nuclear arms race without completely sacrificing everything that makes us what we are!

And its not like we can rely on some dumb-luck meteor impact to save us, like we did the last time we ran into this problem with the god-accursed honey-tongued Elves!

Of course, recognizing the danger, our scientists have been trying to create a workable synthetic female substitiute in our laboratories for years now, but everything we've created so far isn't capable of even the most simple of traditionally female tasks, such as using a vacuum or doing the laundry, and they require even more energy and maintenance than the originals!

Yes, its far more expensive than sharing some french fries and buying extra toilet paper, and its still years away from deployment.

Well I think that the only hope we have at this point for the continuation of our species is to basically psychological and culturally poison the remaining females we have left through a planet-wide program encouraging repulsive behavior, so that they will become so horrible and annoying and hideously awful that nobody else will be able to put up their crap besides us.

Hey, wait a minute...

You don't think that our females could've been doing something like that to us, y'know, like back when we ran into that planet of Beautiful Amazon Women who didn't want anything to do with us?

Great Scott!

They could've just been biding their time all along, gradually forging a genetic "fallback" pool out of us unsuspecting fools, poisonous to everyone but themselves, operating like clownfish, just waiting for a chance like this to dump us and jump ship, knowing full well that if things didn't work out with their handsome new alien boyfriends, their artificially repulsive genetic pond of hopelessly weak and unattractive pot-bellied greasy-wife-beater-t-shirt-wearing ex-boyfriends would have no choice but to take them back!

Alright, alright, lets not all go into a panic, why don't you guys just go ahead and watch the football game while I take a trip out to the Amazon Planet and see if anything can be done to salvage our relationship there, in light of this grim new discovery.

Well, in my opinion, perhaps its time we consider the terms of our unconditional surrender.

I mean, the Amazons may force us to vaccuum and change diapers, but at least we won't have to listen to all that crap about their day when they get home from work, and they won't even think to ask us to change a tire when the car gets a flat.


Hey, now, wait a second there, guys!


Unhand me, you fools!

This is exactly what the women want!

Can't you see that?

They want us to turn again each other like this!

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