Sunday, February 18, 2007


In the old days, we played games made out of wood.

Yep, wood.

Paper, pencils, books and dice.

Everything was made out of wood.

It was horrible.

The Rules of Wooden Games were all thick and confusing, and they said you were supposed to use all these little pieces of wood to help you imagine that you were having super awesome adventures in fantastic lands where kids didn't have to play crappy little games made out of wood.

It sounds really pathetic now, but sometimes we even used those little pieces of wood to imagine that we were living in the Computer Age.

And the Rules said that if you weren't having fun, it was your fault, there were whole chapters and expensive Players Companion Books, which you had to buy separately, that explained how your fun could be ruined by how stupid you were and your lack of imagination and social skills and your bad personality as a player.

So we all learned how to pretend to have fun pretending to have to fun, y'know, so we wouldn't look stupid and stuff.

Needles to say, it was a very sad time, but to make matters worse, everybody, including kids our own age, thought that our crappy little wooden games were so much fun that they would drive us crazy and make us have sex with the devil and stuff.

They wanted us to play those old-fashioned games made out of rocks, 'cause that's the only kind they knew how to play, and wood wasn't as good as rocks for throwing.

Now games made out of rocks were pretty fun, don't get me wrong, there's whole books that explain how the fun you have throwing rocks is only limited by how stupid you are and your bad personality as a player and your lack of an ability to imagine fanstastic worlds full of magic and heros and villains and monsters and devils and angels and stuff.

And I don't wanna look stupid and all that.

But it seems like those rock games were so much fun that they were driving folks crazy and making them have sex with the devil and stuff.

So actually, we're pretty lucky when you think about it, nowadays, in the Computer Age, where games are made of Electricity and we watch experience point bars crawl along and chat about Chuck Norris and Gold Farmers.

Because everybody knows all of our games suck, there's no danger of anyone imagining they were too much fun.

And our games actually prefer us to be stupid and have a bad personality and no sense of imagination and social skills, so there's no need to bother with expensive Player Companion books that made you feel bad about yerself, and we don't gotta pretend to have fun pretending to have fun anymore, just so we don't look stupid and stuff, we're finally free of the responsibility for our own misery.

And the devil wouldn't even want to have sex with us, even if he could figure out a way to penetrate our waffle-shaped asses.

People just don't appreciate how good they have it, y'know?

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