Sunday, February 18, 2007

No Such Thing As Magic

The dying race of the dwarves, with their fake scottish accents, retreated deep into their underground kingdoms, once they discovered that nobody was buying their cover story anymore.

There never were any dwarven women, with beards or otherwise, the dwarves have always been a race of homophobes that reproduced homosexually, which explains their over-compensating cat-calling construction worker attitudes and tendencies toward alchoholism.

Meanwhile the supposedly immortal elves, in their vanity, began sailing west for their ancient homeland, Hollywood, once their knowledge of plastic surgery began to fail them, preferring, instead, to interact with the lesser species only after being filtered through the softening glow of slighty-out-of-focus camera lenses and then projected on their Silver Screens.

The hobbits traded their "burrows" for mobile homes, and eventually founded several thriving amish communities in Indiana and continued to be a culture shaped by whatever was necessary to avoid taxes.

And as for the orcs and ogres, well, technically, they never were some sort of separate species of humanoid, and its been politically incorrect to call anyone an "orc" for a very, very long time, and even if it wasn't, it probably wouldn't be wise to say so, because many of them are professional wrestlers like George "the Animal" Steel, and while generally kind-hearted and gentle with children, they have still been known to fly into murderous orc rages on occasion.

They say there is no such thing as magic in the world, anymore, but they've always said that, because they'd like to think they could trick us into proving them wrong, for free.

The truth is, that's the one magic trick that doesn't hardly ever work, anymore.

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