Friday, February 23, 2007

Who Needs Enemies

I have a buddy that I'm gonna call Critter.

Yah even though that's what the Real Life Dwarf always called him and the Real Life Dwarf hated everybody so it wasn't exactly a term of affection heh.

Anyways, Critter is the guy who got me and the Real Life Dwarf to play Everquest when it first came out, he was a beta tester for it, and him and his Hilariously Evil Quake Clan had infiltrated the support staff of the game, which at the time was a bunch of part-time help-desk kids in college, so as soon as GMs and guides started getting assigned to servers, they were doing all this admin cheating stuff, not as bad as EVE or anything, y'know, 'cause they were too smart to get caught and they didn't really need a lot of help 'cause they were pretty hardcore.

Me and Critter and the Real Life Dwarf all lived across the street from each other in Chicago, while all that EQ shit was in San Diego, and I think his Quake Clan lived in Nebraska or some shit, so me and the Real Life Dwarf were sorta Critter's only real life buddies.

Anyways, as a regular player, Critter ended up romancing and marrying a cute GM chick from our server, but she never really gave a shit about Everquest, y'know, to her it was just a sucky job she did at college, and she quit and moved to Chicago before I could really take advantage of the situation to get any free goodies heh.

Him and the Real Life Dwarf got sent on a business trip to San Diego (I was their boss haha), and he infilitrated SOE and basically stole her from her boyfriend (who was the Head GM of our server!) and brought her (and pictures of all the other GMs in Real Life AHAHA) back with him.

Yah all three of us are kinda like Hannibal the Cannibal in real life, y'know.

Well, whatever, it occurs to me that his beautiful one-in-a-million love story would've never happened without the context of admin cheating going on in the background, so admin cheating can't be all bad ahaha.

Anyways, Critter is actually a really handsome dude, son of a half-famous rich guy who owned Jaguar Dealerships, although his old man never gave him anything and he usually goes around in shoes with holes in the bottom.

And in the years before he got married, women were always throwing themselves at his feet.

But he never did anything about it.

And after a while it really started driving me crazy, so I started bugging him about it, y'know, like "Uh, dude, that chick was all over you, are you gay or something? 'Cause its okay if you're gay, y'know, I need somebody to help me pick out new shoes anyway. Or is it like, sex is too gross and dirty for you? I know how you rich kids need somebody to cut the crusts off yer bread and shit 'cause yer teeth are too soft to chew through it, breadcrusts, y'know, you rich kids call 'em rinds, right?"

And he was always like "oh man gimme a break, I just don't want any of these skanky Dancing Spokes-model Chicks putting a Scare into me."

Now, I dunno how things are where you live, but around here, a "Scare" is the sort of long-term psychological damage a guy takes to his libido from waking up next to a strange and hairy pig in clownpaint that makes you wanna chew through your own arm to escape.

So of course I knew exactly what he was talking about, y'know.

And so I said, "Ah, something musta put a really heavy duty Scare into you in the past, that's why you're all fucked up and frigid and shit with women now! What happened?"

And he was all like, "Well, when I was younger, I had this girlfriend, and she was totally beautiful and everything, but then we started making out one day, and I started to go down on her, y'know, and her britches were so stanky and horrible, man, one whiff of that shit and I haven't been able to stand the idea of being with a women ever since."

And so I sat there for a minute, thinking about all the stankiest britches I ever smelt, and I figured I could see how an especially stanky one could put a five or six year Scare into a guy if you didn't handle it properly, but then I started doing the math.

"Dude, they don't all smell like that!" I said.


"Hell no, man, some of 'em even smell good!" I lied enthusiastically.

"Wow! I never would've realized! Thank you so much for help, Doctor Love! I'm gonna start hitting that shit right away!" he said as he fell for it.

And boy, that made me feel pretty good, y'know, helping him untangle his fucked up sex life, I mean, and not just the idea of him getting another Scare put into him by running directly into another pair of stinky britches.

I mean, what are the odds?

Well, okay, whatever.

So in a way, I feel sorta responsible for planting the seed that allowed Critter to be able to find love and happiness again, much in the same way that admin cheating sorta helped his love grow and flourish.

Which reminds me of another story, from when I was a little kid, my buddy Tiny Tim asked me which hole you were supposed to stick it into, the one where they pee from, or their butt?

Okay, after all the years of him denying it, I'm not really sure if that last one is true or not, anymore, but its was always so goddam funny when I told that story in front of chicks when me and Tiny Tim were in our twenties, when they asked us how long we'd been buddies, 'cause it sounds all cutesy and nice but you never saw a guy turn so red from a combination of embarassment and thoughts of murder in your whole life!

Yah that's one you gotta eventually let your buddy off the hook with, nobody is evil enough to keep that one going with a straight face for very long ahaha.

Aw, c'mon guys, I'm just kidding.

But you know its true!

And your stories might help all these other freaks and losers around here!

Bah, I dunno what yer getting so pissed off about, I didn't even tell the one about that guy who is still a virgin.

Well, naw, was mostly because it ain't funny, its just kinda creepy, y'know?

I figger the stanky britches story might help him, though.

Well yah, unless he's been gay all along, but then he should Do the Right Thing and help us pick out shoes and stuff, y'know.

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