Monday, February 12, 2007

A Valentines Day Massacre

It'll start with the women who had a "nice" Valentine's Day, the ones with men who did something sweet, something that's Rated G and conventional or traditional and politically correct and easy to talk about in public and basically involves status and costs a lot of time and money.

"We went out to Don Muchos Nachos, y'know, that fancy new organic restaurant where they cook funny, and then he took me to that play about the kid with that disease, and he cried, and then we went salsa dancing, and then we went to a wine-tasting class and then when we got home, he gave me some jewels and treasure!"

"Oh how sweet!"

And then the women who had a crappy Valentine's Day will spill their beans, 'cause if they can't have a good Valentine's Day, they might as well milk their bastard for some comedic value heh.

"He bought me a washing machine!"

"Well all my stupid bastard gave me is a lecture on how commercial Valentine's Day has become, and how everybody was a whore, and then he said he felt sick and passed out!"

All that will be left after the My Man is Crap Round are the ones who either had such a terrible time that they're contemplating legal action, or they had such a wildly passionate and sensual experience that they can't really think of a way to talk about it in public.

There'll be a lot of pressure from the women in the first two rounds of the game to sort out the folks in the final round, not so much to hear the sad I Got Eight Kids and No Man stories, but to hear the hot and crazy juicy ones.

If yer a professional man, and you wanna win the game, either because you like to show off 'cause you know its good for business, or yer a hooker with a heart of gold and you just want to give this woman one of the best days of her life 'cause you ain't got anything better to do and its kinda fun, you know you need to provide your woman with just enough ho-hum We Had a Nice Dinner material that she'll start to talk in the third round, and then realize she doesn't have a lot of conventional ammo afterwards, at which point the other woman will begin to press in like crows on a worm, saying "is that it?" and she'll say "well, no" and turn red, which is the biological equivalent of going "Ding Ding We Have a Winner."

Whether she actually manages to gather the courage to spill the beans about the erotic experiences of being bathed and worshipped with all those bath and bodyworks ointments and oils, her quivering, perfumed body carried away and laid down like some kinda high priestess on a bed of roses in the Temple of Love, caressed and tortured for hours with a thousand tender kisses until she begged for release, doesn't really matter, 'cause it isn't necessary for the win, and like Hitchcock says, suspense and imagination is just as good fer business as showing somebody get hit in the face with an axe, plus its got class.

Of course, if you ain't a professional, and yer thinking you may wanna shoot for the Big Leagues, then yer gonna need a few of my sloppy little tips to pull this shit off.

First, clean the bathroom if it ain't already perfect, that's the Temple of Love, its gotta look the part.

Trust me, you'll get a lot of points for cleaning the bathroom, even if it doesn't usually show up in any Long Haired Pirate Tales of Romance and Passion.

Second, location is important, 'cause the last thing you wanna end up with is the same ole Al Bundy bump and grind, but actually any place can be fixed up and romantically prepared with smelly candles and new sheets and flowers and shit, which technically makes it a new location, and its actually easier to do that at home than it is to do it at a fancy hotel or something, plus there's that relaxing comfort factor at home.

Not that a fancy hotel is bad, 'cause the nervousness of being in a strange place can be good, too, and waking up in a place that somebody else is gonna have to clean up is worth a lot of points, but you need to be kinda smooth to handle it, and since yer reading this, yer probably a sucky love-newb, so don't bother.

Third, the most important thing to remember is that you are providing a sensory experience, think about all five of the senses, y'know, cook a sensual dinner, pick some good music, the smell of those candles and bath and body works and perfume and fresh sheets, whacko lighting.

Four, you need to take your religion seriously, and be self-less, when you are a love-slave worshipping your goddess in the temple of love, you need to focus your entire being on her in order to slowly stir yer woman into a frenzy.

But laughing is okay, laughing is good, it relieves that inner tension and shy stuff that you just can't get at physically, so take it serious, but don't be too serious, 'cause that's creepy heh.

And don't be some kinda yes-man pussy, either, jeeze, you gotta be worth having for a worshipper, and you gotta lead the dance so she can have her guilty pleasure without the guilt.

Okay, if you don't have any personality, I dunno if this is gonna work, mebbe yer better off with the salsa dancing and keeping yer mouth shut and shit haha.

Five, remember, you can still give presents, but you don't have to give them all at once like its a birthday party or some shit, its better to spread them out through the night, in stages, and its actually better to do the traditional kind, I mean, the reason they're traditional is that they're usually the things that don't totally interrupt the flow of the dance, y'know, like feeding your woman chocolates can be good, but "hey baby try this on" ain't too good, especially since she probably already picked something to wear to turn you on, or even worse, she's already naked and yer asking her to put something on.

Plus, that "try this on" thing is really a present for you, and you ain't supposed to be playing the part of the High Priestess squatting on a cushion in the Temple of Love on Valentines Day, you dummass.

Ugh, I hope you don't fuck this all up.

Well, whatever man, worst case, the look of pure horror on their face when you start to do the "get drunk and yell about how valentines day is hallmark holiday until you pass out" thing is kinda priceless too haha.

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