The Weed

When our band first started out, we were smoking the weed and writing songs about how awesome it was to smoke the weed.

And everybody who smoked the weed frickin' loved it, and we got famous.

But then the cops started following us around everywhere and arresting us all the time and it was a huge headache and a horrible hassle and we were all totally miserable because we never got to smoke the weed anymore.

And so we started hating the people who smoked the weed, 'cause we were so frickin' jealous.

And being famous for smoking weed and singing songs about how awesome it was to smoke the weed while we were actually cold sober and getting hassled by cops and peeing in cups for scientists all the time was just making it even worse.

And there was no way to get away from it, y'know, I mean, it seemed like every single thing on TV had some dude smoking weed in it, doesn't matter if they're trapped in an antarctic research base or a frickin' submarine!

So we started writing songs about how much we hated the people who smoke the weed, about how awesome it must be to arrest those stupid weed-smoking bastards and steal their weed and make them pee in cups.

And all the cops and pee cup scientists and all the other people who hated the people who smoke the weed started loving our music and we got famous all over again.

And some of them even started sharing some of the weed they stole from the people who smoke the weed.

And so we got to smoke the weed again.

And so we "went back to our roots" and started writing songs about how awesome it was to smoke the weed again.

And we made a comeback.

But then we got in trouble all over again, and we had to do another one of those crappy cop-n-pee-cup-scientist tours to get out of it.

Yah, believe you me, by that point the existential horror of the whole weed thing was becoming readily apparent to us!

So we sat down and started writing music about how horrible it was to be trapped like a ping-pong ball between the people who love to smoke the weed and the cops and pee cup scientists, and how we wished we weren't so afraid of naked clowns riding around on bicycles and honking their horns and yelling at us in Amsterdamlish, so we could move to Amsterdam.

Naw, nobody bought that record 'cept for one of the two dudes from They Might Be Giants, it was a huge frickin' flop, our tour consisted of one stop in Ohio and only one guy bought a ticket.

But at least he brought some weed.

Ugh, now that I think about, I'm sorry for doing another one of those things where I remind you about how everybody, even people on submarines, is having fun smoking the weed 'cept for us.

Good thing we can just get drunk and forget all about it.

Hey, in the old days, booze was illegal and weed wasn't, and all their movies had dudes in submarines doing shots 'cause nobody wanted to do wimpy legal drugs that make you giggle and give you the munchies, they wanted to get smashed.

Yah, they even sung songs about awesome it was to drink it.