Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Psychic Investigation Investigations

Man, all these "supernatural" reality shows really suck.

Y'know, like all those "psychic investigation" ones that never solve anything.

Hey, I got a prediction for you.

And I don't even need to look at anything or touch any evidence or ask questions or consult my spirit guide or anything, man.

I predict that you are gonna waste an hour of my time and not solve jack shit in the end heh.

Didn't see that one coming? AHAHA.

And that Ghosthunter thing, where ya spend an hour waiting around and watching a bunch of black-and-green belt-buckle night-camera Blair Witch shit, and then yer supposed to get all excited about some flashlight falling over at the end for the Big Grand Finale.

Like, dude, if this is all the ghosts got, making flashlights fall over and giving you spider bites and shit, then there's plenty of scarier things that you could make a show about, y'know, like the "dangers" of going camping or being allergic to milk.

"Dude all the misery and pain of this ghost isn't even powerful enough to keep my beer cold!"

"OMFG what a loser this ghost is! He can only knock over a flashlight AHAHA."

*panicky breathing noises in mic* "Oh god! Guys! I think I might be allergic to peanuts!"

That's just so cheesy man, they don't even bother to go and get some tired-ass half-frozen snake from a pet store and wrestle with it under a night-vision camera in their backyard like that Destination Truth guy, let alone go through all the hassle of making all the rubber monsters and computer graphics and shit like the guys that do Stargate heh.

And the Ghosthunter guys are plumbers, too, and its like, you guys gotta think about that a little, I mean, I can't be the only one with a brain that instantly jumps directly to the "its just the house settling" or, more specifically, "oh that's just the plumbing making noises, m'am."

There's gotta be at least some of you guys who can put two and two together there and figure out exactly how they got into the Ghost Hunting business in the first place, man, I mean, dude, seriously, c'mon, it don't take a goddam psychic to solve that mystery ahaha.

"Did you boys hear that noise?"

"Yah, I'm afraid yer gonna need a new Johnson Rod, m'am, yer Johnson Rod is all corroded, see how this part is all worn around the edging? And we gotta order overseas for that part, so its gonna cost ya something extry..."

"...but we'll leave you with the information of some professionals we know that can help you cleanse all these unclean spirits from your house and provide you with all the charms and mystical pixy sauce you'll need to keep up with your supernatural warding maintenance schedule."

Anyways the whole thing gave me an idea for a totally kickass TV show in the future where we investigate the ghosts of ghost hunters and solve crimes that were committed by psychics and try to get money out of their families with our own "crack" team of totally hilarious and over-the-top ghost hunters and psychics heh.

And it also gave me an idea for a totally wicked and yet, oddly enough, environmentally-conscious "ghost-manifestation-powered" heating-and-air conditioning company that we can run on the side ahaha.


Sundry Chicken said...

Yeah, stuff a bunch of old druid ghosts in a box and it kills two birds with one stone (actually three if you agree that offending druids with comments about killing birds if fun).

It creates a cool spot in one room!
It sends out groovy vibes to help the plant and animal life!
It helps the ozone layer by reducing our dependence upon damaging CFCs!

All hail the dead druids in a box!

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Yah you NEED to offend the spirits of the druids occasionally so that they'll draw the heat out of the air while attempting to manifest themselves in order to scare the shit out of you because that's exactly how they keep the beer in your cooler cold.

"Dude, the beer is getting a little warm, think mebbe you could stick your head in the cooler and say something about how awesome Hummers are or something?"