Thursday, April 24, 2008

A Metaphorical Apocalypse

In the oldest times everybody was simple farm folks, and they could barely think at all.

It wasn't their fault, it was just that thinking was new to them, back in them days, and hardly anybody did it.

And when they said something, it took a lot of work to put it all together, and they meant exactly what they said, and that was that.

They just weren't capable of imagining that a word could have more than one meaning.

Words simply didn't have more than one meaning 'cause it seemed like there was more than enough words to give a name to every single thing that there was.

And they had a word for every single thing you could do y'know too.

'Cause there was even less to do than there is in Wisconsin, since they didn't know that they could get drunk and screw yet, back in them Ancient Times.

And so they never even thought of using one word for two or more different things, 'cause there just wasn't that many things.

But then these two guys from the Big City came along one day and one of 'em asked a country guy, who happened to be standing next to his wife and a fine pig, "how much for the pig?"

And the city feller's buddy laughed.

And thus the Double Entendre was invented and the city people started pulling all this funny crap over on all the simple-ass country people.

And all the poor country folks were just left standing there scratching their heads and wondering what in the nine hells was so goddam funny, y'know, 'cause it sure didn't seem like there was anybody around that had slipped and fell on a banana peel or smashed their thumb with a hammer or racked their nuts on a fence or anything worth laughing about like that.

Which just made the whole goddam thing even funnier to the city folks.

See, 'cause in the Big City, the city folk had started using metaphors for things.

Well, no, actually they started using similes for everything at first, saying "oh man that woman is like a pig."

It was a new thing, y'know, to say that something was like this and like that and not like this and not like that.

And then they dropped the "like," y'know, 'cause city people are always in a hurry, and that was how they started using metaphors like "oh man that woman just is a pig" instead heh.

And then apparently the country people sorta started to figure out what was going on and they wrote this Wikipedia Entry.

And a million years after that Groucho Marx came along and he could just totally destroy everybody with that multidimensional meaning kinda stuff 'cause he operated on so many different levels and in so many different directions at once.

And there were just so many meanings for words and phrases and so many contexts they could be put in and things that they could be potentially referencing.

Y'know, depending on how many farm animals were actually present and stuff.

And there was all sorts of reversals and stuff layered on top of it like sarcasm and innuendo and feigned ignorance and being facetious (which is not what the dictionaries define it as at all ahaha) and jokes about jokes about jokes and you could refer to woman as "chicks" and "broads" and all sorts of other weird stuff like that and it was just totally awesome and hilarious.

But eventually, after many millions and billions of years of everything being great, something started to go wrong.

At some point, there became too many meanings for every single word and phrase.

And so it was that a mere nine frazillion years after the Golden Age of Groucho Marx, it became almost impossible to say anything that couldn't be taken wrong in at least three totally different ways by some chick heh.

And so quadruple entendres actually became some sort of default.

"Oh no baby I didn't say that!"

"Oh no baby I didn't mean it that way either!"

"Oh no baby that is not what I was saying!"

Anybody who was ever stupid enough to argue with a chick would know that there was at least three meanings for everything you ever said that was totally unintentional and incorrect ahaha.

Plus you risk digging yourself into deeper and deeper levels of "malevolent" and "false" entendres everytime you launch a rebuttal.

"Oh no baby I didn't say that!"


See, turns out that metaphor stuff isn't all fun and games, its more like falling down a well or something, and there's all sorts of negative levels to the Entendre Spectrum that you might have to fight your way out of heh.

And eventually there was, quite literally, a metaphorical meltdown, a metaphorical apocalypse, when good meant bad and bad meant good and yes meant no or "sometimes no" and all sorts of other stuff like that.

And the very last thing that people would ever think you meant was what you had actually meant to say.

And that goes double if you were trying to say something nice.

Uh, no wait, well, yah, okay, I guess, I mean, it's like sorta like that, right?

Oh whatever, you know what I'm saying heh.

Anyways going back to the beginning of this thing, my advice is to just sell that damn pig if some smart ass from the Big City seems willing to buy her off you y'know you don't wanna be the guy stuck paying for all the pig maintenance fees and pig insurance costs and pig medical bills, taking care of that damn pig day after day after day without any vacations and putting up with all the headaches and stuff.

And if I was you I'd move my ass to Wisconsin, too.

Like, seriously.

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