Fricking Ewoks

We had one of those awesome summery days on sunday so I went over to my little brother's house and helped him put together the swingset and playground thingie he has for his kids (he had to take it down a while back to make room to put in his new pool), and afterwards we did the backyard barbecue thing, y'know, with brats and burgers and all that.

And it was goddam awesome, y'know, 'cause that sunday backyard barbecue stuff really is the awesomest thing on this otherwise pretty horrible-ass planet heh.

Me and my brother got wicked sunburn though, and he was wearing a baseball hat backwards so he got the funniest fucking farmer tan thing on his forehead where there was a pale line where the baseball hat snap thing was and a big half-circle of bright red above it like a rising sun ahaha.

Anyways all the kids in the neighborhood immediately flocked to the playground thing so we got some instant gratification out of busting our asses with all the log cabin shit, and his daughter got to go down the slide and use the swingsets for the first time in her life and that was really cool.

And of course my brother's two sons were all over me, picking my brain about scifi stuff and telling me their ideas about what would be really cool the whole time.

My brother's littlest son is at that age where he likes ewoks.

Yah, what makes it even worse is that he wants to be one heh.

So I told him that ewoks suck but he wouldn't have none of that.

So I told him that the ewoks were cannibals and they ate people and he was all like "noo!"

And I was like, yah man, don't you remember in the movies where they had everybody all tied up and they were gonna barbecue 'em?

But then C3PO pretended to be a god and saved 'em all from getting cooked up and eaten?

They woulda been munching on human body parts and licking the blood off their gross little faces it wasn't for C3PO!

But then, before his brain had chance to turn all its gears over my startling news flash, I felt bad about what I did so I told him I was only kidding.

Even though I wasn't, really.

But that cannibal stuff is not why I hate the ewoks.

I hate 'em 'cause they're cute.

Well, besides the way all the midgets in the ewok costumes were always licking the lips of their ewok masks from the inside for some reason, that was pretty goddam gross.

With their yellow teeth and stuff.

But they aren't really all that cute, if they really are cannibals.

Which I think they are, now, even though I never thought about it until I wanted to make my brother's number 2 son quit liking 'em so much heh.

I mean, if ewoks really would eat humans, then they're actually pretty goddam cool, y'know?

Especially with the bad teeth and the lip licking gross stuff ahaha.

They'd be even cooler if they were teddy bears that smoked cigars and had space pirate eyepatches and ate humans with their gross-ass licky-lips and bad teeth and stuff, but I guess you can't have everything.

Its just kinda funny that I hated 'em for being cute, even though they're actually cannibals, and he liked 'em for being cute, even though they're actually cannibals heh.

Anyways none of this junk is stuff my brother littlest son would like.

He's into the cutesy junk, y'know, even though he's definitely the next evil super genius of the family, he's the one that explains to me how the life support systems on spaceships should work and stuff.

He's just going through a yucky wussbag Likes Ewoks phase or something ahaha.

Where the older brother is totally into the scary shit with alien dinosaurs with cloaking technology eating space marines and stories with no survivors and stuff heh.

Its that Older Brother's Disease, y'know.

With the older one, I'm always like, dude, I love your stories, but you gotta have the space marines save somebody or something every once in a while, man, y'know, just to trick all the younger brothers into thinking there's some kinda redeeming and uplifting quality to your stories so they'll keep listening for the stupid "good" parts while you keep scaring and depressing the shit out 'em heh.