Sunday, April 13, 2008

Noble Causes

See, war ain't hardly nothing to be afraid of, lad.

Not if ye join up with both of the armies that are fighting each other and collect twice the pay and meals from the hot headed idiot nobles on both sides.

And whichever side ye pick, all ye gotta do is hang at the back of the front lines on the Final Day, so ye can retreat and change armors to the stuff that the other side is wearing, ye know, if the side ye were fighting on loses.

Aye, I got me other suit buried out there in the woods behind the camp.

Aye, that's exactly why they don't do us with just the surcoats no more, boy, do we ever miss those easy days, right lads?

Naw, well, sometimes ye have to do that, but ye'll sweat yer arse off wearing two suits of armor, one on top of each other, just so ye can tear off the top suit in the heat of battle when ye see which way the winds of fate is blowing, see.

And all that extra weight makes it really hard to run, too.

Plus, ye gotta really be sure that ye know who is gonna winnit when ye decide to strip off whatever ye got for the top layer, 'cause its awful hard to get that damned suit back on quick if ye counted yer chickens too soon.

Better to just bury the other suit somewheres shady that ye can retreat to.

Aye, and sometimes the stupid nobles will even give ye a bonus and rewards and what-all fer yer "valor" in leading a "surprise attack to the rear flank" which will help ye pay off any gambling debts ye may have accumulated.

Only thing is that practically everybody that we're fighting against over there on the other side is in onnit with us, y'know, wouldn't work any other ways.

So ye gotta be careful not to kill 'em, in the heat of battle, and ye gotta cover fer 'em when they run off to switch their armor, at the end, 'cause if they get killed, ain't gonna be nobody to pay up on their bets.

Aye, we got a signal, a special wink, so we know not to kill each other.

Haha no, that's not a problem, see, 'cause the last thing the guys that actually hate each other are gonna be doing out there is winking and blowing kisses at each other heh.

Aye, see, we just wait till all the whackos kill each other, and everybody has a chance to get their rightful colors on, and then we all get to split up the dead folk's stuff afterwards.

Naw, see, the big money is in the gambling.

Well, ye can fight on whichever side ye wanna fight on, and ye don't just gotta help one side win, y'know.

I mean, that's not the only option, if ye got half a wit, see, ye could also help a side lose.

Aye, I think helping a side lose is easier, all things considered, when all ye gotta do is suck at fighting something fierce and fail at everything they order ye to do in spectacularly hilarious ways.

See, there's less strugglin' and gore and more comedy innit, that way.

That's what most of us are prolly doing over here, aye.

And that's definitely what the guys on guard duty right now are doing over here, I know all them guys, we got ourselves a little system we're working together.

Aye, well, see, ye also gotta be careful that the odds don't go down too much, or the payouts will dry up in the end, 'cause "sure bets" don't pay out so good.

So ye might have to fight on the winning side, just to keep the odds up, if things don't shape up rightfully fer ye any other way.

Aye, there be all manner of mysterious forces and black arts like Numbermancy and Presto-digitations and such involved.

Well, don't ever say I didn't never teach ye nothing.

And speakin' of teachin' ye things, let's go over to the other side, they got the better eats, most days, all them exotic spices and the little breads with the nuts, man, I love me them little breads they got, that's why I want their side to win.

And then we can come back over here for the beer and song singings and revelries afterwards.

Well, if it really is the last days of this bad-bread Empire they got over here, we might as well give 'em a proper send-off.

See, its all good, nothing to be a-scared of.

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