Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Enchanter

I lived in the days where everything was made out of wood and you could only communicate as far as you could shout and throw rocks and mail letters.

Them was like the ancient times when books were treasure that the more expendable relatives of rich people dug up in faraway lands and it was pretty easy to be the best Enchanter that the Swamp People had ever seen.

My mom actually had to use one of those feather-pens in school where you dip it into the ink like a sorceress or something.

Yah well she was lucky that they even let a woman learn how to read and write back in her day that's why women still get turned on by that genetic memory forbidden fruit shit, that was like something that even the nobles who paid for all the superexpensive-ass books didn't know how to do, they just looked at all the pretty colors and pictures in 'em as if it was a collection of lacey things and supernatural nonsense heh.

Yah man those were the days when being able to Read and Write gave you access to romantic phrases that you could use on the village maidens to just totally melt their minds like butter and have your way with their bodies like a dog playing tug of war with a sock.

It was like being able to cast magic spells directly from scrolls man it was like some magic words that blew all the magic doors off their hinges in a brainshattering blast of ecstasy.

It was only the women that could Read and Write that you had to look out for, those foul sorceresses.

And there was this underground punk rock scene among the villagers where you could get paid to teach 'em to read and write and then they could teach their kids how to read and write and then their kids taught their grandkids and so on and so on and the whole thing was very serious and no one ever laughed about it.

And they learned how to make their own paper and ink and stuff and it was like the first time letters were used for things that weren't magical.

'Cause any time you found a scroll with writings on it before that you had to find a wizard to read it.

But those damn serious villager people didn't really get what it was all about, man, and they totally ruined it.

Up until they ruined the magic of it all, people who couldn't read and write could pretend to be able to read and write and get away with it.

Y'know, back in them days when nobody in the village really knew how to do it.

And when one person really did know how to read and write in a village full of people that were only pretending to know how to read and write you didn't really know which one of 'em to trust y'know you had to either test them in some clever cannibals-n-explorers brain puzzle way or just give up and trust the one that sounded the best or whatever heh.

The king's messenger always had to find somebody in town that could read, there was showdowns where two guys that were pretending to be able to read had to make it seem like the other one didn't know what he was talking about.

Yah, them was totally awesome and hilarious times, man.

We totally screwed it up for ourselves when we taught the villagers how to do it.

All the sudden there were these slobs standing next to you saying "that's not what it says!"

And we have nobody to blame but ourselves for the way we let our magic get all dilluted like that.

And look at all the money the Illusionists are making now, with all that CGI shit and everything.

See, I told you we shoulda been Illusionists, that shit mighta been harder to learn but those fuckers ended up kicking our asses in the long run.

Even that School of Divination dweebery lasted longer than this shit.

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