Thursday, May 15, 2008

Long Dark Tunnels

There's a part of me that needs to go to some place new, a part of me that says that it is dieing.

Its starving for things that are new, it needs new data and new ideas and new experiences to move through, because it needs to grow, because if it can't grow, then all that there is is maintenance, and if all that there is is maintenance, then we will die, 'cause we've never been any good at maintenance, maintenance is not enough for us.

And I know that there are actually a lot of places that might be full of things that are new to move through, very different places.

But I don't know which one to pick, 'cause they're all so different.

And I'm afraid that I'll pick the wrong one, and it'll wind up being another long dark tunnel, where the light dims so slowly over time that you don't even notice how dim everything is getting until it is too late.

And I'm afraid I won't be able to go back, if I don't like a place.

And I'm afraid that the world will get smaller and smaller and smaller, instead of bigger and bigger and bigger.

I've been trapped in long dark tunnels like that before.

And I'm even more afraid that I'll be using my strength to support something wrong, and that I'll be bringing other people into worse places by making the dark tunnels not seem so bad, when we really should've turned around and run back and switched tunnels a long time ago.

So I'm just sorta waiting, and not really doing anything, I'm trying to decide, but it doesn't seem like I'm going to be able to decide in time.

'Cause I don't have a lot of time left.

Hardly any time at all, really.

Maybe none.

And there's so many choices.

And these things happen in such long waves, you know?

The doors show up, and we must step through, we will all have to choose a door, or the doors will choose us.

And some of us will step through and get stuck in the long dark tunnels, and it will be an eternity before another chance to switch tunnels comes up, if one ever does show up in time.

And I don't want to be one of the ones that gets stuck in another long dark tunnel like that.

But its hard to tell how long and dark a tunnel will be, just by looking at the door.

And some of the best people are going into the ones that look like really long dark tunnels to me.

Should I try to go with them?

They're not all picking the same tunnels.

But maybe all the tunnels are long dark tunnels.

And so the best ones to choose are the ones with the best people.

Because maybe its all about the people.

Maybe its the people that determines whether a tunnel is long and dark or not.

Maybe we all build our own tunnels.

And maybe they're only as good as we make them.

And maybe they're only as good as the people we take with us.

So I guess its no wonder why all my tunnels have really started to suck after a while.

Eventually even the best clown runs out of magic balloons, baby.

And I never was the best clown.

I'm not even a clown.

You just think I am.

'Cause I stole some magic balloons from a dead one.

Way back there, in one of them long dark tunnels somewhere.

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