I'm a Near Death Experience Guy.
And while I ain't all cool like Daniel Jackson or Gandalf (I'm more like the guy that taught Gandalf how to swear and laugh and smoke pipes and light shit on fire behind the school house, if anything), I was a slightly Ascended Being.
For about five minutes.
Not that time is the same thing over here as it is over there.
But I don't want to get into all that junk about whether its real or not (its about a hundred times realer and larger than this little sitcom in a shoe-box of yours is to me, so just imagine what it'd be like to have a bunch of two-inch tall muppets trying to explain to you how you didn't see what you thought you saw 'cause they ain't seen it and they saw something on TV about it and shit ahaha).
And I don't wanna get into what I saw and all that stuff, either, 'cause there ain't no way to do it without it turning into a mess, when I gotta start out by explaining how there ain't no way for me to explain something Unearthly in Earthly Terms with any kind of accuracy (I mean, even if I could do it well, which I doubt, you would still be converting it into Earthly Terms in your own head, 'cause Earthly Terms are all that you got to paint with), and the more detail you want, the less accurate it gets, and it won't do anything good for any of us, and it doesn't really matter all that much to me anyways, except for the way that it keeps me from saying certain things.
'Cause there are Rules.
Sorta like the way Gandalf and Daniel Jackson had Rules about Not Cheating and stuff.
'Cept they ain't all cool like that.
And they ain't written down on a piece of paper or something, they're just something I sorta know, something sorta like the way the game of Operation makes that horrible-ugly electrical buzzer sound when you touch the sides, its a gross-ass little alarm like that that makes you feel a little sick.
Like the way I know that it'd just give me a headache to have to try to explain things to you that you were never gonna understand anyways, 'cause you aren't really interested in listening to or even imagining the perspective of an Ex-Slightly Ascended Being, you just wanna know the Secret of the Fire so you can run off and shoot yourself (or somebody else) in the eye with the shit heh.
Yah, the Rules are sorta like a cross between that and the Much Cooler Not Allowed to Cheat thingie ahaha.
Anyways you know how Gandalf had to find some hobbits to take credit for killing the dragons and shit, right?
'Cause he didn't wanna get busted for cheating.
Well maybe I gotta do something sorta like that too.
'Cause of the Rules.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm not afraid of responsibility and whatever else you are thinking, whatever it is that makes me choose things differently from you sometimes.
Maybe there's some Rules that I gotta deal with that you ain't aware of, Rules you ain't gotta deal with.
Trust me, sometimes I'm tempted to do the Gandalf thing where I grow fifty feet high and give you a whupping that'll make you walk funny for the rest of your life for thinking that I'm just some conjurer of cheap tricks, believe you me, I know some shit that'll leave y'all crooked and lopsided for the rest of your life and dizzy for two weeks after, and its really tempting sometimes.
But I'm a good guy, y'know, even though I swear and smoke a pipe and dig the daisy dukes (we're supposed to love all the gods critters, yah?).
Plus I dunno how to do that thing where I turn fifty feet tall and get all cool like that.