Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Some Conjurer of Cheap Tricks

I'm a Near Death Experience Guy.

And while I ain't all cool like Daniel Jackson or Gandalf (I'm more like the guy that taught Gandalf how to swear and laugh and smoke pipes and light shit on fire behind the school house, if anything), I was a slightly Ascended Being.

For about five minutes.

Not that time is the same thing over here as it is over there.

But I don't want to get into all that junk about whether its real or not (its about a hundred times realer and larger than this little sitcom in a shoe-box of yours is to me, so just imagine what it'd be like to have a bunch of two-inch tall muppets trying to explain to you how you didn't see what you thought you saw 'cause they ain't seen it and they saw something on TV about it and shit ahaha).

And I don't wanna get into what I saw and all that stuff, either, 'cause there ain't no way to do it without it turning into a mess, when I gotta start out by explaining how there ain't no way for me to explain something Unearthly in Earthly Terms with any kind of accuracy (I mean, even if I could do it well, which I doubt, you would still be converting it into Earthly Terms in your own head, 'cause Earthly Terms are all that you got to paint with), and the more detail you want, the less accurate it gets, and it won't do anything good for any of us, and it doesn't really matter all that much to me anyways, except for the way that it keeps me from saying certain things.

'Cause there are Rules.

Sorta like the way Gandalf and Daniel Jackson had Rules about Not Cheating and stuff.

'Cept they ain't all cool like that.

And they ain't written down on a piece of paper or something, they're just something I sorta know, something sorta like the way the game of Operation makes that horrible-ugly electrical buzzer sound when you touch the sides, its a gross-ass little alarm like that that makes you feel a little sick.

Like the way I know that it'd just give me a headache to have to try to explain things to you that you were never gonna understand anyways, 'cause you aren't really interested in listening to or even imagining the perspective of an Ex-Slightly Ascended Being, you just wanna know the Secret of the Fire so you can run off and shoot yourself (or somebody else) in the eye with the shit heh.

Yah, the Rules are sorta like a cross between that and the Much Cooler Not Allowed to Cheat thingie ahaha.

Anyways you know how Gandalf had to find some hobbits to take credit for killing the dragons and shit, right?

'Cause he didn't wanna get busted for cheating.

Well maybe I gotta do something sorta like that too.

'Cause of the Rules.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm not afraid of responsibility and whatever else you are thinking, whatever it is that makes me choose things differently from you sometimes.

Maybe there's some Rules that I gotta deal with that you ain't aware of, Rules you ain't gotta deal with.

Trust me, sometimes I'm tempted to do the Gandalf thing where I grow fifty feet high and give you a whupping that'll make you walk funny for the rest of your life for thinking that I'm just some conjurer of cheap tricks, believe you me, I know some shit that'll leave y'all crooked and lopsided for the rest of your life and dizzy for two weeks after, and its really tempting sometimes.

But I'm a good guy, y'know, even though I swear and smoke a pipe and dig the daisy dukes (we're supposed to love all the gods critters, yah?).

Plus I dunno how to do that thing where I turn fifty feet tall and get all cool like that.


Sundry Chicken said...

Heh. That shoebox thing made me laugh.

Cuz explaining to some friends that ghosts and all got nothing whatsoever to do with the reality just outside normal awareness didn't work so well.

Trying to explain why religion and mysticism or first-hand experience are all different and relatively ok, with some being better than others went over just about as well as superman vs batman.

Seemed like it was all just like "when's the show start? is this the part where I get to pet the goat and talk to the ghost of Samuel Clemens?"... or something.

Man, went to the sink, poured a glass of water, set it down and showed them the universe in the swirling bubbles in the water glass. Still nothing. Heh. It was cool and refreshing, and not everyday that swallowing the universe in the living daylight results puzzlement.

Yeah and those rules, reminds me of my yoga teachers fixation with OM... there, sure... everything, hmmm. It aint breaking any rules, bending and irritating the powers that try to be maybe... but there ain't no rules. Least aways offstage. No marionettes neither. Just some blind half-crazy dude who keeps handing me all these glasses of water.

Ole Bald Angus the Monk said...

Well, there's Rules you can break, like the Backstage ones you were talking about, which is about as bad as using the wrong fork to eat salad as far as I'm concerned, and then there's other kinds of Rules.

Y'know, like, you can't break the Rules of Physics without leaving the Framework of Physics, 'cause breaking the Rules of Physics is Exiting the Framework of Physics.

And then there's thing like, two guys make a bet, and if somebody that knows about the bet cheats for one side or the other, they'll lose the bet for the guy that they're hoping will win.

That's another kinda Rule that you wouldn't wanna break, but at the same time, that's the kinda Rules that are the most tempting to break, y'know, 'cause you really want the "good" guy to win or whatever.

So there's some variety there to the Rules.