Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Bawd Rate

There used to be these guys called "Bawds."

They weren't "pimps," and they weren't "drug-dealers," they didn't actually run any kind of illegal operation, and the "services" they directed folks to weren't always illegal or anything, either.

They were just like guides for people on vacation to things that were good and fun and stuff, things the Traveller might've missed if they hadn't hired someone "in the know" to act as their guide.

So they were sorta like travel agents, except they worked at the place that was fun.

Anyways, if we were Bawds, and we worked at a resort on a tropical island or something, and did what we were obviously designed for, we would never play Massively Multiplayer Online Games.

And we'd be even less inclined to wanna build them.

That's not something a proper Bawd would direct people to, man, I mean, I think you might even have your Bawd License revoked for that kinda shit, that's like Conduct Unbecoming a Bawd or something.

Oh, we might play some playstation, every once in a while, y'know, ain't nothing wrong with that, especially when you are too incapacitated, for whatever reason, to do anything else.

But that's about it, y'know?

That's where games fit into the Bawd Menu, y'know, so far down at the bottom that it falls off the goddam thing altogether, and mining for icons in MMOs are so far down there on the list that they actually end up on the bottom of the menu of the opposite of a Bawd, whatever that is, a Royal Torturer or something, I guess heh.

The only problem is that its really hard for Bawds to get money out of the folks they are Bawding for, y'know?

Its like, in order to make money, you gotta make deals with the people that run pubs and stuff, and get paid by them for reeling the suckers in or something.

And that compromises your integrity as a Bawd, y'know?

'Cause you basically become a walking commercial for the local "hotspots" that pay you and shit, if you let that happen, right?

Plus there ain't a lot of repeat business, considering the amount of vacation time most folks have, and how they're likely to go somewhere else for their next one, so maintaining your integrity and constantly proving your quality as a Bawd to folks is actually a bit of a waste.

And even if they got lots of friends that might be going on vacation soon, friends who might be in need of a good Bawd, its likely that the folks you helped would play the role of a Bawd in your place when they got back home, and they'd just tell their friends about all the places you sent them, so that their friends won't have to pay you for your services.

And all these things tend to sorta pile up and ruin the entire business of Bawding.

And so you end up not knowing where to go to have any fun anymore, where the really good places are.

And just to spite you, in a fit of unholy vengeance for the way you have all ruined my occupation as a Bawd, I tell you to go and play Massively Multiplayer Online Games.

'Cause goddam are those things ever fun, right?

You can run on the little hamster wheels and pull a lever and the little hamster pellet comes out and then you can talk to all your hamster friends about all the experiences you have in common and complain about the way that sometimes the pellet doesn't taste right or the way the hamster wheels are too slow or too fast or whatever heh.

See, you cheap bastards should've paid me better ahaha.

Have a nice day at the factory!

Enjoy your bread and circuses!

But there's a brightside, y'know, 'cause even if I do that, you can still find the good places, just by learning where all the bad places are first and solving it by process of elimination.

It'll just take a lot longer and be a helluvalot more painful.

And eventually it'll probably occur to you that the best places to go might be wherever all the disgruntled Bawds go when they ain't Bawding all the stupid tourists around.

But I'm not sure that's right.

'Cause the only thing you can really say for sure is that those are the places that a bunch of disgruntled Bawds think are the best.

Maybe you don't really need a Bawd.

Maybe you don't even really need to go anywhere at all!

Maybe you can just make your own fun!

But maybe you could do better than that.

Maybe you could go somewhere.

And maybe then you could find other people who knew how to make their own fun, just like you do!

And then you could all share the fun!

Yep, you just keep right on dreaming there, porkchop.

Stupid ass tourists ahaha.

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