Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Coming of Age of Coming of Age

Dude, this is like the Coming of Age of Coming of Age Movies, its like half the crap on cable is Coming of Age movies.

There's a few key phrases like "romantic comedy" and "coming of age" and "starring Gene Hackman and/or Dolph Lundgren" that just make me instantly keep flipping as soon as I spot 'em.

I like the dude that does the reviews all honest and just tells you what he thinks of 'em, "The Invisible" is "a not-so-super supernatural thriller" indeed!

Not only is it not-so-super, its also not-so-thrilling!

As a matter of fact, its actually more of a not-so-super supernatural coming-of-age story than a thriller.

And then there's the guy that tries to make every movie sound good, where every movie is a "slam-bang hyperkinetic action-adventure yarn" full of "powerful and compelling performances" and stuff.

That guy is so goddang fake he might as well have not even written anything, y'know, just put up the year the movie was made and the rating and a one word description like (comedy) or (drama) and I'd have the exact same amount of information in the end.

Y'know, if you ain't gonna help then just get out of the goddam way.

And then there's a guy that does his little mini-reviews all clever and cryptic and shit, like in the form a riddle.

Here's an actual info thingie by that guy:

"After their car breaks down, a group of teenagers decide it'd be fun to sit around the fire and tell ghost stories. Turns out, it wasn't so fun. At least, not for the them. So, anybody bring any marshmallows?"

I hate that Riddle Guy even more than the Everything Is Compelling Guy, leaving me no better off than I was when I started with a creepy riddle in my head is even worse than just not telling me anything.

And the worst thing about the Riddle Guy is that he seems to be assigned to a lot of the horror movies, so you never know whether the movie is gonna be a piece of crap or not, 'cause the dude's poems are always the same stuff, whether the movie is high quality or worse-than-porno quality with a constant humming noise in the background that gives you a headache.

Welp, that's it for another one of my not-so-slam-bang slam-bang powerful and compelling Coming of Age of Coming of Age Review Reviews, not-so-starring Gene Hackman and/or Dolph Lundgren.

So, anybody bring any marshmallows?

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