Saturday, May 17, 2008

One Eyed Jack

"So I don't understand how we're supposed to stop this clockwork monster of yers, doc."

"Well, the wood burning stove located in the chest of the Steam Powered Man provides the heat that converts the water in the water reservoir located..."

"Yah yah yah enough of all that already, yer just talkin' in circles, doc, where do I need to shoot this guy?"

"I don't think you can stop the SPM by shooting him."

"What's this SPM stuff?"

"That's short for the Steam Powered Man."

"No it ain't."

"S for Steam, P for Powered, M for Man, so its an S-P-M."

"Yabbut Steam Powered Man ain't no shorter than sayin' SPM Man, izzit?"

"Uh, no, well, SPM is shorter, yes."

"Don't seem like it."

"Well, its one syllable shorter."

"Whats a syllable?"


"Okay, so where do I gotta shoot this SPM Man again?"

"I don't think you can defeat the SPM just by shooting him, you see, he's constructed..."

"Oh don't you start in on me with all that jaw dancin' again, doc."

"...he's bullet-proof."


"You can't hurt him with bullets."

"Ah. Can't I just shoot him in the eye-hole or something?"


"But that always works."

"Well it won't work this time."

"Ah, so, like, what's his weakness, then? How do I make him stop chasing folks up and down the street and ripping 'em in half?"

"If you can keep the SPM from aquiring more fuel for his wood burning stove, he'll eventually run out of power."

"What's that?"

"You need to stop him from gathering up more wood."

"Ah. No wait. How exactly am I s'posed to do that? He's just gonna grab up whichever wood I don't grab up. I only got two arms, doc. And where am I s'posed to be puttin' all this wood where he won't be able to git at it, even if he don't chase me down and kill me 'fore I can gather it all up? Hell, this whole damn town is made out of wood."

"Hmm that does present a bit of a conundrum."

"No it don't, that wood idear of yers is the stupidest damn plan I ever heard."

"Well, you could just try shooting him in his eye-hole."

"I thought you just said..."

"No, I'm starting to think that your shoot-him-in-the-eye-hole plan just might work."

"You ain't crackin' all wise on me, are ya, doc?"

"Um, no."

"Tryin' to get me killed?"

"Uh, no."

"I don't need two eyes to smell me a liar, doc."


"Well, I got me a better plan, anyways, doc. See, I'm gonna shoot you in the eye-hole unless you come up with a better plan to stop this SPM Man of yers."

"Uh, well, we could try to get the SPM to chase us down to the river until either the water put out his wood-burning stove and stopped him or he sank into the mud."

"What's all this we stuff?"

"Um, well, I suppose I could try to get the SPM to chase me down to the river."

"Now that's more like it."


"Now don't you worry none, doc, I'll be up here at the window all ready to put you out of yer misery if that clockwork monster feller gits 'is mits on you 'fore you make it down to the river."


"See doc, that shooting something in the eye-hole plan is pretty damn handy after all."


"And mebbe the next time one of you wise-crackers build one of these goddam clockwork monsters he'll have heard of yer story and made it so that I can kill it proper with a shot to the old eye-hole and save us all some trouble."


"'Cause they're prolly gonna have ya ride the short rope fer this, if you don't gitcher self killed tryin' to put everything to rights first."


"So this is like, three birds with one shot to the old eye-hole, if ya ask me."

"Actually it'd be..."

"Now you just gitcher boney wise-crackin' ass moving 'fore I've a mind to put another hole innit and mess up my whole three birds with one shot to the old eye-hole thingie, doc."

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