This Is Gay That Is Gay

A long time ago, I got in an argument with Bloom, who got all pissed off at me for using "gay" in a derogatory way.

Y'know, this is gay, that is so gay, ur gay.

Oh I was positively huge on calling people and things gay, believe me, I was one of the smacktalking crackwhores that played Quake, which is where all the most monstrous perversions of human language comes from.

Bloom is not gay or ungay, exactly, and he's not metrosexual, he's like, I dunno, enlightened or sexually agnostic or something.

And hey, I'm not gay either, but I think my ignorance and utter lack of eloquence and taste and the shit that's growing in my fridge makes that kinda obvious heh.

Anyways I tried to explain to him my reasoning for using "gay" so much, which is basically the same shit everybody uses as their cheap-ass reasoning for using "gay" in a derogatory way nowadays, like, "gay people should've picked something else to be called, 'cause that word already means Sucky Like Greg Brady, y'know, something prissy and cheesy that people used to think was cool that turned totally uncool, over time."

'Cause that is what the word is, an ancient word that used to mean "happy."

It's just like using "fantastic" sarcastically.

"Oh that is just fanstastic."

Same thing is gonna happen with "awesome," eventually, too, y'know, I'm already starting to move it into the "gay" area.

But whatever, the point is, I lost that argument with Bloom.

He said it doesn't matter how I use it, or what my intent was, what mattered is that gay people are getting their asses put in hospitals just for being gay, and the goddam mouth-breathers who are doing it might be thinking they're getting points with me for doing it, if I go around using gay in a derogatory way all the time.

And he had a point there.

'Cause a guy that would beat up a gay dude just for being a gay dude is the same thing as a guy who enjoys beating on women and children to me, at least.

So I quit using it.

But I do wanna go back and change my argument.

'Cause although it might be technically true to a philologist or something, it isn't the real truth, and Bloom knew it, but he let me off the hook.

The real truth is that among my buddies, who believe that all human beings are pretty much the same damn thing, including women (although it is more fun to tease them and pretend it isn't that way, so we hardly ever admit it), we use the homosexual meaning of the word "gay" and gay references on other heterosexual males with the intent to surprise and shock each other and make each other feel uncomfortable and awkward for a moment.

And the healthy response to that is to laugh.

And any other kind of response would be a cause of concern.

We're kinda checking each other's pyschological armor for kinks and bad reactions, y'know?

Making sure nobody on our team is gonna flip out and go psycho on us.

And its not just gay stuff we use like that, but I'm talking about gay stuff right now so I probably made it seem like it was.

Anyways I have had buddies with gay parents and relatives ever since I was a little kid, and I got more than a handful of gay buddies, so gay stuff was never anything other than a source of comedy to me, just like all my own stupid crap is a source of comedy.

But I know that most people don't have any contact with gay people.

Just like most people don't have any gay friends that got their asses put in the hospital just for being gay.

So Bloom's point still holds true.

But then again, those guys that beat up gay people are the exact same guys that beat up and murder everybody else, those asswipes are always gonna single people out in dark alleys, just like hyenas, whether its nerds or girls or people based on the color of their skin or their religion or whatever.

And the idea that I'm somehow responsible for their activities and that the answer to the problem is that I need to change my behavior is pretty frickin' aggravating to me, especially since I was always the kid that stood up for the folks who didn't have anybody to stand up for them, especially if I was outnumbered, y'know, 'cause I'm from the country and you ain't a man if you just stand there and let somebody get fucked with just so some jackass can get his rocks off.

And yet, I still have to agree with Bloom's point, those shitheels might think they're getting in good with me by doing that shit if I go around sounding like the poster child for homophobia.

So I don't use it in a "generally derogatory" way anymore, I use it to mean gay, as in, you really are gay.

And I still make gay jokes with the intent to make people laugh, not an evil "gay people suck" laugh, but an "everybody is at least a little gay" laugh.

I just think bleeding some of that bad psycho energy out can help prevent meltdowns, y'know.

Especially since a lot of the homophobes I know seem to be otherwise decent and sometimes even heroic people who seem to be struggling with their own gayness or something, y'know?

Well, I know I'm not the only one that thinks that, all the other big non-homophobic bodyguard dudes I know always nod to that one.

And we tried to get those homophobe guys to relax about it too, with all that old shit like "why the hell do you care about gay people so much?" and "you think every gay dude wants a piece of your fat and hairy ass? As if they have less taste than all the women in the world who wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole? They're known for their good taste, you know!" and "Watching wrestling and football is a little too much sausage for me, thanks!" and "Masturbation is inherently gay! Everybody is at least a little gay!" but I don't really know if any of that is actually helping them get over their hang-ups or making it worse.

I'm not even sure the source of homophobia is some kinda self-hating closet gayness thing, really, it could be some old reptilian complex thing to attack people who are different because they feel they're being challenged, like we all ought to be the same or something, instead of realizing that we're actually better off with a lot of diversity and we really ain't that different anyways.

I had a gay buddy who used to pick on women for their choice in shoes, and it was partly serious and partly to make everybody laugh, y'know, 'cause he was totally over the top like Doctor Smith and he liked to make us laugh, and we appreciated it.

So one day I asked him why he never bothered me about that shit, 'cause I'm a goddam idiot when it comes to junk like that, and he told me that I was so hopeless that it wouldn't be funny.

Which was funny.

Of course, that guy got his ass put in a hospital by a bunch of mouth-breathers and he had to move to another neighborhood.

And that is about as far from funny as things can possibly get.

Anyways I'm sorry to end on a manic depressive dark note, but that's really what this shit is, when you get right down to it, sometimes laughter, sometimes darkness.

Wish it was more laughter, is all.