Don't Get Your Hopes Up

The funniest thing I ever saw was at this amusement park we got in Illinois called Great America.

I'm almost positive that I was hanging out with Linst, 'cause I know we had a bunch of chicks with us, and the other guys I'd go to Great America with never dragged chicks around with 'em.

Plus I remember wishing I had a camera so I could sell the video, and that usually only happens when Linst is around, 'cause he's my Film Expert Director Artist Buddy.

Anyways, you know how the lines that lead to amusement park rides have those rope dividers that they can reconfigure in different ways to make the lines longer and shorter and more and less twisty and stuff when they need to?

Well, on this day, there were no lines for the Biggest Rollercoaster at the place for some reason, so they didn't have any of the ropes up.

And there happened to be one of those metal poles they hang the ropes from standing in the middle of the path that led up to the rollercoaster.

And it was exactly at crotch height, and I guess its silver surface made it kinda invisible 'cause of an optical illusion or something.

'Cause every single person that went through there wracked themselves on this fucking thing, including me or Linst, I think, even with our cat-like country boy reflexes.

So when we got off the rollercoaster, we sat at this picnic table and just watched people cram themselves on this goddam pole over and over and over again for a while.

And it was truly horrible, 'cause people were all happy, 'cause there were no lines for the ride!

And they'd be running down the isle at full speed with these huge smiles on their faces thinking about how lucky they were and how much fun they were gonna have!

And then BLAM, without fail, right in the nuts!

Hideously, dangerously hilarious shit.

One after another, guys with their girlfriends, little kids (who avoided the crotch-punch by taking it in the chest), bikers, everything, man.

Some of the more athletic folks tried to sorta vault over it at the last second, but that just made it a Flying Crotch Punch, and there were a lot of folks rolling on the concrete, it was horrid.

The reason I remember the girls were there was 'cause they felt so guilty they made us leave after a while, and I had to agree, y'know, 'cause I was laughing so hard I thought I might have to go to the hospital.

Yah, right after this old lady rammed herself on the pole, 'member?

We were going "OH NO MAN! OH NO! I CAN'T WATCH THIS! NOT THIS! OH NO! NOT AN OLD GRAMMA LADY MAN! WE HAVE TO WARN HER!"

But she couldn't hear shit 'cause an amusement park is filled with screaming idiots and we were pretty far away.

And she was going so slowwww with her little cane, tap-tap-tap, but BLAM, right in the crotch, just like everybody else.

So then we all felt really bad and stuff like you're supposed to and whatever.

Definitely the funniest thing I ever saw in my life, though.

Uh, I mean it was the most horrible thing I ever saw, right.

Oh don't get all mad at me, man, we woulda been there all day rescuing people from that damn thing.

And what would we actually say to people to warn them, anyways?

"WATCH YOUR NUTS! EVIL CROTCH PUNCHING POLE, MAN!"

We'd get arrested for standing around saying that kinda thing at a family amusement park, I think, especially if we were successful at helping people notice the danger, 'cause then they wouldn't realize how insidious and evil it actually was.

And I'm warning you now, right?

Like ten or twenty years of crotch smashing action later, sure, but better late than never ahaha.