Sunday, March 4, 2007

Black Belt in Game Design

Players have a natural and tiresome tendency to gravitate toward these totally detached and useless Science of Amatuer Social Psychology Game Design and Database Management Theory Expert roles when they talk about games, because it seems better than just being some crazy waffle-ass shut-in shmuck with ten million cats who plays a lot of games or something.

Even a lot of Shoeless Joe "I Made a Game You Probably Never Heard Of a Long Time Ago That Was Famous In Japan" game design mummy expert guys do this kinda stuff, too.

Well wax fancypants theory no more, Jeeves, for I am about to tell you how you and your ten million cats can make your own game and become the Supreme Master of All You Survey, and you will finally being able to look down from the lofty heights with righteous wrath upon that spineless pool of powerless subhuman hamster wheel players with your hands on your hips and a wild masculine laugh that would shake the very foundations of the entire hamster habitat and make the mummified skeleton of Yul Brynner smile and raise his Legendary Purple Fist of Vanquishing in salute!

First, train yourself and your cats to use the latest Computer Aided Drafting system, like 3DStudio, or whatever is needed for your game engine, because more than anything else, you need a motherfucking ass-load of spider, snake, and rat models sized small, large, extra-large, mildy humongous and ultra-gigundous, and some mountain maps with beer commercial waterfalls and spooky caves, and some dollhouse clothes and swords, and horses are hard to draw, and that shit needs to have skeletal animation and dismemberment and decapitation and shit, too, and that junk that makes everything look all fuzzy and laminated, whatever the fuck that stuff is, or it won't look pro, yo.

Second, find a lot of really lonely ugly women with a lot of money and make sweet sweet love to them.

You need money, ho!

Plus, its just a nice thing to do.

Third, use that phat cash to hire me and my Crack Team of Dancing Cowboys in a Hot Pink (For the Color-blind) Jetplane to make you a Black Belt in the Secret Secret Forbidden Arts of Erotic Electronic Sausage Circus Game Design and Interpretive Dance, and if ya prove yourself to be one of our best earners, perhaps one day we'll even show you the Secret Half-Silvered Mirror Door to our Impregnable Space Fortress in Game Design Heaven, complete with the Yo Ho Magic Beans Hidden Map Rainbow Bridge Cat Amusement Park Easter Egg Addition and everything, yo.

Fourth, you'll need to find s'more pitiful sweatshop fools to publish and support your game, so get ready to make s'more sweet sweet love, holmes, you know gotta work that rope if you wanna climb the ladder, baby.

But at least those guys'll only take ya like two seconds to get done with.

Fifth, congratulations! Now you need to hire a Live Team who will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong with your game once it comes in contact with oxygen (as described in the Chapter Five: Die Young, Rockstar section of your Official Secret Secret Forbidden Arts of Erotic Electronic Sausage Circus Game Design Textbook) and provide you with the most spectacular never-ending train wreck imaginable that'll only serve to make you even more famous and highly esteemed!

Sixth, it time to go back to step one, we gots us a Sequel to make, baby, we gots some True Believers to rescue from that train wreck back there, and nobody is gonna pay to see the same ole snake, spider, and rat model shit, no matter how almighty and ultramanfabulous you are!

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