Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Ladies Beautiful Ladies

I'm actually friends with a lot of women.

Four of the ones that I rode the train with every morning were all grandmothers.

One was Italian, she liked Jackie O, one was an Irish Punk-rock Hippy, she still had traces of her accent that you'd hear when she said "g'marnin' to ya," and one of them was Mexican (oh my god don't call her Spanish heh), and she was all classy and worked high up in the government, even though she was a Bad Girl when she was younger, hanging around on the hoods of hotrods in a bikini, I was always bugging her to take a job as an ambassador to some kickass place and bring me with her as her pet poolboy and limo driver.

Yah, she is also the gramma that runs the comedy mailing list where I'm bombarded by Men Suck jokes on a daily basis, but I can make her eyes brim with tears anytime I want by reminding her of exactly how and why she loves her husband so much so its all good, y'know.

And there was another one that was a Regular Old American Mutt like me.

All of them were extremely funny people.

They had daughters that were my age that I also got to know and be friends with, y'know how that works, even though they know I'm a goddam jerk ahaha.

And then there was five other women, one a year or two older me (the cool 70s Older Sister chick with the Seven Foot Tall Husband), and the others were a couple years younger, all of them smoldering hot and yummy in different ways, uh, sorta.

Two of 'em were cheerleaders in high school, both of them were hilarious, and one of them was a half American Indian Headbanger Chick who knew all about Slasher Movies, she's the daughter of the Irish Gramma.

And then there was me.

And Old Guy Bob, although he sat behind everybody and fell asleep five minutes after he got on the train, so he hardly counts.

And the whole rest of the train used to listen to us talk and chip in every once in a while, but they were sorta interchangeable.

That's it, that's the whole train crew in the morning (I rode home with Ex-bouncer and Soccerman and Triple A, so that was where the Man Show comes from, but before I met Ex-bouncer, I actually sat with the Other Cheerleader and this Blond Accountant Chick with a kick-boxer for a husband).

So that's kinda weird, I guess, especially since new folks probably think I'm awful about women.

What's even weirder than that is that I rode that train to a place where I worked with about two hundred employees, and only about twenty of them were men, and less than half of those weren't gay, and almost all of the straight ones worked in IT with me (although we did have a sex-change super-nerd networking dude that came in on contract a couple times).

All the bosses were high powered female dynamo types.

So I was basically completely surrounded by women all day long.

Oprah's BOYFRIEND even visited the goddam place ahaha.

So obviously I needed some kinda trick, right?

Well I had a trick.

My trick was to basically pretend that I was in love with every single woman I had to deal with.

And after a while, it wasn't even a trick, it was just sorta automatic, I really was basically in love with every single woman I had to deal with.

And now I really am basically in love with every single woman I have to deal with, I'm not sure how someone can even turn something like that shit off heh.

Its love as in the exercise of appreciation and understanding, which sometimes involves a little naughty stuff (for some women its not naughty, its nasty, and that's all it involves, women can be much nastier and more brutal than men can be in general heh) and sometimes doesn't (because women can also be delicate flowers that cry when they think they're giving you a hard time ahaha).

I treat everyone like we're all kids in a giant kindergarten class, before we learned all the adult bullshit that ruined us, I shoot for the human being underneath all the cerebral bullshit and cultural crap, 'cause deep down, we're all the same, with the same simple needs and pleasures and everything.

So that's my whole trick, minus all the awesome psychic super powers I have that you obviously can't do anything about.

And some folks probably think I'm some kinda he-man woman-hater or something.

But the reality is that the cow-and-milk and sit-up muscle jokes I just love to do actually come from the exact opposite sorta place.

And the original audience for them in Real Life was entirely female.

All fifty-seven flavors of 'em.

So that's why I don't have to pussy-foot around with that stupid Let's Not Upset the Poor Little Internet Women crap, that's so ass-backwards it'd be funny if it wasn't so twisted and sad and stuff heh.

Its men that tend to be the hopelessly delicate-and-fragile overly-cerebral-and-romantic H.P. Lovecraft dweebs ahaha.

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