Swaggering Key Janglers

We're all on late night guard duty at the Gate, and here comes the New Guy, in a cloud of Steamy Animal Funk Cologne.

And if he wasn't a walking victim of his own fucked-up mental programming then he wouldn't be swaggering and jangling his keys like that.

He's got something to prove, he's into Domination and Submission, he's gonna find his place in the Pecking Order.

And we all roll our eyes and laugh, and he demands to know what's so funny, right?

Tell me that's not exactly what happens.

And there's what, like, ten of us that were telling jokes and laughing until he showed up, and there's just one of him, right?

And every single one of us outweighs him by like eight hundred pounds of muscle and brain and experience.

Yah, its the same damn pattern every frickin' time, man, and they always wonder why we're laughing ahaha.

And of course one of us might decide to do the guy a favor and try to explain the actual nature of the universe and untangle all the fucked up shit he's filled his head with, or maybe one of us will just try to beat all that stupid shit out of his head so he's physically forced to give it up.

But you can't just avoid him like apparently everybody else managed to do so far, 'cause that'll end up costing you a lot more fucking energy in the long run, trust me.

Yah, if you ain't gonna set him straight right off the bat, then its better to just make him like you and put him on a psychological leash like a pet monkey so you can at least use him for entertainment purposes and keep him from giving you a headache later.

Don't look at me like that, I didn't do that to you when you first showed up.

Yah, somebody else had already set you straight before I ever met you, I don't think you were one of those swaggering key-janglers back then and shit heh.

And even if you were, and even if I did, monkeys-on-a-leash tend to evolve into regular people eventually anyways, just by having smart shit rub off on them, I'm pretty sure that's how I got where I am today ahaha.

Anyways, fuck that Pecking Order shit, that junk is for animals and little kids, there's always somebody bigger and tougher than you, and there's always somebody smarter and more perceptive than you, there's guys that are ten times more handsome and charming than you, and there's dudes that have us all beat six ways to sunday.

And that shit is always changing minute by minute and day by day, sometimes you have a good day and you don't suck quite as much as you usually do, sometimes the guys that are better than you have a bad day and you don't seem to suck quite as much as you usually do.

But there ain't nobody better than all of us.

And even all the swaggering key janglers are only jangling their keys 'cause they wanna come inside but they need our help to find the door.

"What's so funny?"

"Its an Inside Joke."

"Then let me Inside where its funny, you jagbags, my pants are too tight and I'm fucking freezing out here by myself."