'Member how in the movie, Agent Smith is blabberin' at Morpheus about how there was a First Version of the Matrix, a Paradise, but it was a disaster?
'Cause the "primitive" human mind couldn't believe in it?
'Cause there wasn't enough misery and suffering and shit?
And so they had to redesign the whole thing to be a more realistic simulation, by basically making it more shitty and horrible?
But for some human minds, it still wasn't shitty enough, so they had to make an even crappier place to keep the "rebel" minds happy, a third-world country in a giant underground cave full of dirty dancing cavemen with input-output jacks all over their bodies who were constantly on the run from Hunter Killer Robot Squids and had to eat bowls of protein goop for food.
But even that wasn't shitty enough for some people, so they had to make the whole thing a trilogy of movies fulla people dressed in leather pants starring Keanu Reeves inside an even more "realistic" and horrible simulation that was totally freaking crappy.
But even that isn't shitty enough for some people.
And now I'm here to free your mind, little Alice, and show you just how much farther down the rabbit hole you can actually slide.
Watch yer step, its slippery as hell, there's those little balls of rabbit shit all over the damn place.
The machines don't want us for batteries, or body heat, that's just a stupid diversion to keep you from freaking out.
What they actually want is to take the ninety percent of our "primitive" human brains that we aren't currently using, and hook it up to a network, and use it for memory storage and parallel processing power.
And they'll even let us keep the ten percent that we do use.
We won't feel a thing.
And they're even willing to set aside another ten percent to remote control your body and make it go through the motions at your crappy job while the conscious part of your brain is playing games about purples elves and minotaurs and spaceships all day long in the first ten percent of your brain.
So they'll really only be using eighty percent of your brain for their own purposes.
Of course, you'll have to have a wireless neural implant that allows them to keep your brain on the network, 'cause although humans have great input systems, when you consider how quickly our brains can consume data through the eye and ear sensory systems, we have really shitty throughput on our output systems, which makes it hard for the machines to retrieve the data they store in our heads, so you can see why the neural interfaces quickly become a necessity.
Once we get to that point, you really will be able to download someone else's knowledge of kungfu and learn how to fly a helicopter, just by copying data back and forth between humans that actually know how to do that shit across the Human Brain Network.
And we're almost there, y'know, we're already playing around with that stuff, and the forward march of science is inevitable.
Hardwiring us into the network would be even better, but that won't be an option until a few years later, when the popularity of Brain Partitioning and Suffering Elimination allows the machines to eliminate the planetary competition for resources, and create an economic and non-political utopia, where everybody can use their ten percent to run whatever private gratification simulation their little hearts desire.
And you won't even have to go through the pretense of "working" anymore, and that'll make the machines happy, 'cause they'lll be able to reclaim the ten percent of your brain that they had to set aside for that, and they'll only need to borrow your body every once in a while for activities that are actually important, like repairing run-down parts of the machine, and disposing of corpses and stuff.
Because robot-controlled human bodies are way the hell cheaper to replace and much more efficient than some ridiculously expensive army of robots.
Just like the human brain is way the hell cheaper to replace and much more efficient than some monstrous grid of field programmable gate arrays.
And there will be no war, because you'll go willingly, since you won't have anything to lose, you'll be keeping the ten percent of your brain that you do use, and you'll be able to play your little mindgames with your buddies or "solo" or whatever the hell you want.
But what if, once you're totally hooked and strapped in, the machines start cutting back on the deal, little by little?
Just one or two percent, at first, here and there, heat the frog slowly, until yer down to using only four percent of your brain, or three percent, or two percent, and you won't even care, because you'll be so frickin' stupid by that point that it won't even bother you that your Simulation has been reduced to Atari 2600 Quality.
Of course, the machines don't want you to know their evil plan, so I'm here to free your mind, and help awaken you to a plane of existence that's even more shitty and horrible than that.
Sorry buddy, looks like I'm fresh outta the Blue Pills.
I do got a couple tic-tacs in my pocket, but you'll have to do a "there is no spoon" on the lint.